Header Graphic
December 18, 2021 @ 9:03 AM

We all make mistakes all the time. Depending on our temperament and experiences, some of us are devastated by our mistakes and have to consciously learn how to handle them. This is the process for those of us who don't naturally know how to heal from our own mistakes:
1. Rather than think about right or wrong, think about the consequences of each act and/or decision. Which consequences do you want to deal with--that will determine your decision/action. Every decision/action has consequences and losses--it's up to you to choose which you want.
2. Grieve what you lost by choosing or acting as you did.
3. Repair anything you can that you hurt by your decision/action.
4. ...

Read More
March 28, 2012 @ 4:58 PM

Yes, it often can boost confidence.  One of the things we can do with EMDR is use bi-lateral stimulation to reinforce experiences you've had with confidence, or even ones you can imagine.  It can also reinforce experiences with or imagining other people believing in you, or qualities you want to cultivate in order to give you more confidence. 

For example, I worked with a man who was afraid to speak in front of an audience.  We figured out that he was afraid the audience wouldn't love him.  When he realized this, we reinforced how much love he had in his life, and he realized he didn't need the audience to love him.  He realized he was there to give out information he had, and they were.........

Read More
March 11, 2012 @ 5:37 PM

It all seems to come down to daily practice.  Whatever you practice every day you will get good at.  If you practice telling yourself you are stupid, or ugly, or will never be good enough, you will be very good at living in shame.  If you practice forgiveness, compassion, perspective, gratitude, and committment to small do-able steps toward what you want and who you want to be, you will get good at that.  It's a simple concept, and doesn't have to be much more complicated in practice, but it's not easy.

Read More
February 10, 2012 @ 7:46 AM

Ok, I get it--you want to feel better about yourself, or you just want to feel better, but you don't want to put yourself through trying to meditate, or fill out a workbook, or fit in a daily practice to your schedule, or do guided visualizations of airy-fairy stuff, and if anyone tells you to do affirmations, you'll just barf.  You've tried that stuff, or you can't imagine trying it, but you're sure it won't work, and you think people who do it have just drunk the koolaid.  You don't want to waste your time or be a fool.

So where does that leave you?  You have two choices.  You can wait for something to happen to change how you feel, or you can do something to change how you feel. .........

Read More
February 7, 2012 @ 6:44 PM

If you read my last blog, you know  I believe that constant failure is a sign that your expectations are unrealistic.  However, frequent failure is normal.  How often do you make a mistake?  Count not following a traffic law, forgetting something, adding numbers wrong, being late, snapping at someone who didn't deserve it, dropping something, breaking something, getting a fact or word wrong, or bigger stuff--losing a business or job, making a judgment that causes problems, doing something badly that really matters, losing a relationship you once thought you wanted...?  We ALL make mistakes and fail to meet even reasonable expectations sometimes.  We need to meet that experience with the same .........

Read More
January 25, 2012 @ 4:14 AM

I think one of the worst and most common things we do to our self-esteem is have unrealistic expectations.  Women don't even realize we are doing it, yet may do it all day every day.  If you criticize yourself for the same thing over and over, feel inadequate frequently, or fail to meet a standard you believe you should meet, but repeatedly don't, you are undermining your own self-esteem and chance to be happy and successful.

Do everything you can to experience daily successes.  Set your bar for a stretch, but one you WILL reach most of the time.  Not one you think you should be able to reach, or one you could reach intellectually, if you didn't have to sleep or have a life.  One you .........

Read More
November 3, 2011 @ 7:07 AM

What are the other two elements of self esteem?

While compassionate self-parenting is the essential foundation of self-esteem, there are a couple of other elements as well.  One is repeatedly challenging ourselves to do something hard, but do-able, and nailing it.  This doesn’t have to be winning the nobel prize--in fact with a few rare exceptions, shouldn’t be winning the nobel prize.  It should be what is do-able, but a stretch for you.  I count giving birth as one of these things for me.  Even though bazillions of other women have done it, I felt like if I could do that, I could do almost anything.  When I was 19, I crossed the country by myself in a car, after having been agoraphobic when.........

Read More
November 1, 2011 @ 6:40 AM

Starting at the beginning: What is self esteem?

I believe good self esteem is having a sense that ones whole, real self has value.

What’s involved in developing good self esteem?

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three elements of developing good self esteem.  I’ll get to the other two in another post, but the first, and the foundation of good self esteem is being treated as valuable for our whole, real selves, and then incorporating that into how we think of ourselves, and treat ourselves.

How does this happen?

We learn to value ourselves by imitating others valuing us.  Lucky ones of us learn it from our parents who treat us with value, just like we learn how to dress ourselves .........

Read More



Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30+ years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

I can work with anyone who lives in California through Skype

Including San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, Los Angeles, San Luis Obispo, Monterey, Santa Rosa, Sacramento, San Diego, Ukiah, Marin...