Where am I in cynicism recovery? Umm, good question. I'm not sure. Since they say recovery from anything is an on-going process, I'd say I'm a work-in-progress. I tested the waters of 12 Step in my 20's but obviously wasn't ready to hear what they had to offer at that time. I was kind of an existential nihilist; I didn't believe in ANYTHING because I thought all of life/purpose/meaning was a social construct. Very jaded. Then, almost 3 years ago, I decided to stop drinking and treating myself (and others) badly. It was then I discovered I needed a spiritual life, but really struggled with the "God stuff". For a long time, my HP was the group, but I really needed something outside that gathering of people, because in my omniscient arrogance, I thought other people were the reason I was such a negative skeptic.
I've always prayed, but the prayers went to an unknown and unfelt entity. What's good about prayer in any form, though, is how much it centers the mind and anchors the heart. It gets me in a meditative state I'm unable to achieve otherwise. Sometimes I'm able to lose myself in playing music but I really needed something I could do any time, any where, like on the turnpike through Boston , or vegging in the "express" line at the supermarket. Sometimes, I use laughter but then people look at you funny (except in Manhattan ).
I also needed to learn forgiveness and humility. That has been the most difficult. But between 12 Step, working through a ridiculous amount of past rage and grief with a terrific therapist, and reading every loving, intelligently written book I can get my hands on, I'd say I'm about 70-80% de-cynicized. I do have my very own HP but I could never describe or share it because it's reserved for me alone. I still have a frown line (but I'm also squinting all the time because I need better reading glasses). I still roll my eyes at what I perceive to be immense stupidity (like when I hear a Sarah Palin interview). I haven't eliminated cynicism altogether or I will lose my gently, mildly sarcastic sense of humor. And that, as I'm sure you're well aware, is a defense mechanism that is very difficult to be completely rid of. There is still a lot of progress to be had. And I work at it daily.
Thank you for sharing your process with us! I've noticed quite a few people answered on the Fun Questions page that they would like to see a workshop on finding a spiritual practice beyond religion. I would love to have some conversation about this on this thread. Please tell me more about your struggles with seeking something spirituality might have to offer while feeling very cynical about religion, God, etc. Also, what kind of support might help you? If there's enough interest, I might offer a class or workshop or group or something. Just let me know what you think.
One thing I should make clear right off the bat is that my quest for a spiritual connection began way back in the 70's when I was still in jr. high. Because I was a problem kid, I spent a lot of time locked up (from 5th grade on),and consequently had a lot of time on my hands to read about things other kids probably don't even think about. I found philosophy and anthropology texts to be the most interesting, and for a long while, I worshipped the people who wrote them.
I wasn't raised in any denomination; my family moved around a lot and my parents didn't seem too interested in any kind of dogma. That changed later on after I was gone; everybody went Born Again (except for me). So growing up, I had no faith of any kind. I think that hurt me later in life, but then that's such a fine line. Do we raise our kids in a faith or allow them to discover "truths" for themselves? Anyway, I really needed something outside of myself (and other people).
What I did when I got to college was take every religion class that was offered, which at my school, was pretty slim pickings. But I studied comparative religion, sociology of religion, philosophy of religion, and psychology of religion. I went to every church, LDS temple, synagogue, Kingdom Hall, and even tent revival I could find (what a totally amazing and scary experience; the Holy Ghost people in the North Carolina backwoods!) I spent hours highlighting discrepancies and absurdities in the Bible (actually, I still do that!). I shrunk away from any mention of the name "Jesus" or "God"; figuring people who fell into that trap needed to eat bigger bowls of clue flakes for breakfast. What this left me was a sneering, mistrustful, angry, fearful, but still very charming and intelligent woman.
What I failed to understand is the difference between religion and spirituality. I didn't need a religion; I needed a faith unfettered and untainted by human hands. I needed something to explain the inexplicable. That's what I thought. As it turned out, though, I really only needed to learn that it's OK not to know EVERYTHING. Spirituality isn't always (and in fact, rarely is) logical. As I mentioned before, I'm still working on strengthening faith and overcoming cynicism.
Your process is very interesting! I'm curious, if you care to share, what advice would you give a young sneering, mistrustful, angry, shame-filled cynic about finding happiness and peace?
Me offer advice??? I don't think I'm qualified to do that! LOL! But I'll give it a try. I do think everyone should read "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It just puts things in perspective...like what's really important in life and what's not. And maybe try to find someone you can work through your bullshit with. All the anger, pain, feelings of abandonment, separation anxiety, addictions, etc. that so many of us need to deal with. I don't think any spirit wants to co-habitate with too much shit, you know what I mean? Is co-habitate a word???
