First of all, I am from the South,, North Carolina to be exact,,, so I am in the midst of the Bible Belt. I knew I was different when I was 14 and I knew I was gay at 17. All of that was fine (well my parents didn't appreciate it but... )until I became 45, had my last relationship (I believed) with a woman, was depressed, confused, lost, etc.
So one night while surfing the internet,, i ran across an ex-gay ministry,,,,, long story short,, I joined up,, they would save my soul, walk me out of homosexuality if I did as they said, and if I really wanted it bad enough,,, for 2 years, I did just what they suggested,, i cut off communication with my gay friends, stopped going to gay hang-outs,,, made new straight friends,,, joined a church,, (a BAPTIST church- I KNOW!)That was in 2006.
I tried to do everything just right but something inside of me never changed. However at the present time I don't feel attracted to anyone,,, I am so confused that I am not sure I even have a sexuality identity any longer,,,I am not attracted to men at all,,, and I know I would still have feelings for women- if I were around them (gay women),, but again, I cut myself off from the old friends and well,,,, I don't really have other outlets to meet new folks except bars,, and I have been there and am over that,,,
My faith is important to me. My sexuality is too. I am 48 years old and I want another relationship. But I can't figure out if God really doesn't want me to be gay or if He doesn't care who I love,,,, My friends now of course say,,, you aren't trying hard enough to change,,,, or you aren't letting God change you,,, and my head and other things I read are saying,,, God loves you as you are,, He created you that way,,,
The closest MCC or UCC church is 50 miles+ one way- from my house,,, no gay friendly congregations around here,, but the most important part is how I feel about myself,,, Part of me feels like I can't even control my own life and the other part of me feels like a failure because I gave up who I was for an illusion that I could ever be anything else,,,
Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated,,, if I were in San Fran or Chicago (where i lived for 4 years) I would not have this confusion or any problems with depression or my self esteem...
Oh what a heartbreaking story! It sounds as if your problems would mostly be solved if you could live in a gay-affirming environment and attend a gay-affirming church. So I have to ask the obvious question, what is keeping you from moving to San Francisco, or even Ashville? I've been out for at least 30 years and have no ambivalence about it, but if I had to live somewhere hostile to gay people, I'd be depressed too! If you can't move, you must find other queer people (who are happy to be queer) to talk to and hang out with. There are very few places that have no queer people--we are everywhere. Meeting them is another matter. Bars are not usually good places to meet people, unless they are the only way. If there is absolutely nothing where you are and you can't move, then connect with other lesbians online at least. Would you consider using some dating sites to meet people?
As far as I know, nothing has proven that gay people can become heterosexuals, and most attempts (if not all) have failed. It's so sad that you lost your attraction feelings in the process of trying not to be gay. Obviously I have a bias; I think being gay is wonderful, so my inclination would be to have you nurture your feelings of attraction back.
But there is an important question underneath all of this that has to be addressed, and that's what led you to want to devote yourself to becoming heterosexual? Two years of compliance is quite a statement of something--what is it?
Warmly, Cynthia
Last Edited by on Nov 04, 2009 8:18 PM
