HI Cynthia, I might have posted this already and not in the right place so I apologize if it is a repeat or messed up your system.
I found your site while looking for EMDR clinicians and information. I am a survivor of incest and have been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years. I am thinking about requesting anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds but thought I would check out EMDR first--perhaps I have PTSD? I don't know but I am currently in a serious life transition and it feels like a crisis.
I have been married for 24 years to a man that I have loved dearly. We have been partners, lovers, friends, parents. We have a 13 year old son who is just awesome and we both love him dearly. Over two years ago I fell in love with my son's teacher (4th grade at the time). She returned the feelings and we had a passionate affair. After only a few months my husband found out and for the last 2 years I have gone back and forth between both of these people, hurting all of us along the way. I have broken up with the woman at least 24 times!
I moved out shortly after my husband found out but we have been in a weird struggle ever since. I feel stuck! I can't decide what to do, feel torn, heartbroken, angry, sad, confused. Even after I have broken it off I can't stop thinking about this beautiful woman but when I am with her I think about my husband and what a horrible thing I have done. I am filled with shame, guilt and remorse.
I was with women, out as a lesbian, when I met my husband so he knows that I have loved women before. After we got married I claimed my bisexual identity, never wanting to forget the women in my life that I have loved. But now I am confused--I broke a boundary--had an affair but can't seem to fully recommit myself to the man I married nor break free and divorce him. I'm scared that all of my decisions are wrong. I wonder am I really queer/ lesbian or am I just caught up in the Bay Area anti-prop 8 fervor? running from my marital problems? sabotaging my recent career success? I am filled with self hate, remorse, shame, guilt and want it all to end but I have a sweet kid so I won't hurt myself in any permanent way but the thoughts have crossed my mind.
Any suggestions? A queerness test (haha--that's a joke)
I haven't seen your question elsewhere, and I'm glad you wrote in! There are many questions here, so let me try to take them one at a time.
First of all, if you were serious, politics don't make people attracted to or in love with someone--that is you. Does that make you a lesbian--not necessarily, but mostly because we don't have one definition of lesbian. Trying to figure out who is a lesbian and who is bi-sexual, and who is just open, etc etc has led us to the word "queer," which pretty much covers everything except 100% heterosexual. So you don't have to label yourself, and don't let anyone tell you you do. But I get the sense that you think if you settled on a label, it would help you settle on which partner you want to be with. That would for sure be easier, but the reality is you have intense, intimate, loving relationships with two people, and that's causing conflict. I think in your case, their genders are pretty much irrelevant to the conflict part. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think if your husband happily ran off with someone, leaving you in the arms of your woman lover, you would grieve the loss of him, but not be struggling with the shame and guilt. That is, I don't get the impression that the shame and guilt are about your sexual identity, but about having two love/sexual relationships at the same time.
Some people resolve this by maintaining both relationships, but most people find that to be very difficult. You have, in effect, been doing it for two years, though, so is it remotely possible that everyone could agree to your having these two relationships so you could stop feeling guilty and ashamed and still follow your heart?
If not, then you are faced with having to choose. It's not a fair choice, though, because you don't fully know what you're getting with the woman, because it's too new. You can't really know how you feel about someone you're in love with until the dopamine rush of falling in love wears off, and that can take up to three years. On the other hand, you know your husband in all his glory and flaws, and have established patterns of conflict that you repeat over and over. The history and sharing a child with him makes it a relationship nobody can compete with. But the dopamine makes the woman a relationship nobody can compete with either. This is a very common problem, of course, but none of this helps you, because you are in the position of the tortured cat, with the fish in one bowl on the left and the bird in another bowl on the right.
If your husband or your girlfriend can't tolerate sharing you, how about a trial separation from your husband? You may find either a tremendous relief and know you are at home with your girlfriend, or you may find the reality of a relationship only with your girlfriend eats away at the solidity of it.
But what concerns me most about all of this is your relationship with yourself. It sounds like you are your own worst enemy right now. You are being mean to yourself, and you are not trusting yourself, and it sounds like you never get to just be content and loving in your relationship with yourself. Whether or not any of this is related to being a survivor isn't clear, but it is clear that you need support for loving yourself, and you need it to a dangerous degree. Do you have any way to do that? Does this make sense to you?
Warmly, Cynthia
Last Edited by on Jun 01, 2009 7:41 PM
Hi again, I just appreciate so much your reply! Yes, that is the situation. I get the chemical reaction stuff and I guess that's part of why I am not trusting myself--will I still love her after it fades away? Like her even? We have a lot in common and a lot not, I'm always late, she's always early, her friends bug me, the music I like is too loud for her--are those signs, etc...and yet I feel like I have known her all of my life and beyond. Like we were meant to know each other. I've only felt that way a few times before, my husband was one, my best friend another.
There is a piece of me that believes if they could both get along I could love them both and be good to both of them but neither of them agree with that and despite my best efforts (manipulative and passive-aggressive at times, whah) they say, make a decision and stick with it.
I moved out of the house almost two years ago (the house was a disaster-I was working, doing a major creative project (film), caring for our son, the house, the schedule--resentful) and have been in an apartment I can barely afford but love my independence and freedom. My husband threatened to take my son away from me if I was with my girlfriend, he was mean and hurtful. I was defensive and reactive. It got ugly and I kept thinking I could fix it and get him to be nice regardless of the circumstances. I broke it off with my girlfriend a month ago for probably the last time because I did it in a really screwed up way but the last few weeks I have been sick with missing her and angry and reactive to my husband. At this point I don't want him to touch me but then I feel bad for feeling that way...friggin' crazy.
I KNOW I am queer. I also know that I am afraid if I don't live my life now it will slip away and be gone. I don't want to be resentful, reactive, or hurtful to myself or either of them or especially not my son. I DO have insane guilt and shame at having the affair and wrecking my marriage.
I am working on loving myself. I am in sex and love addicts anon and al anon--they are good support groups with structure and so many of the people have similar feeling stories, so that helps. The focus is on self reflection, self love/ focus & higher power/ intuition for guidance.
I just wish I could KNOW for sure what my next step should be. I feel like my reactiveness IS connected to the childhood abuse and lack of a stable family. Would EMDR help with that?
EMDR might help with that, but I'd have to ask you way too many questions for this mode of communication to find out, and then we'd have to try it. If you want to come in, we can check it out.
I'm glad you are in SLAA and Al-Anon. It sounds like you might have some aversion to the steps or "the God stuff," because otherwise you'd probably be using those tools to help you through this. You certainly aren't alone, if you do have aversions to the steps or God stuff. We could talk about alternatives to the steps, or ways to use the steps that might work for you, if you see value in that.
You are clearly very bright and able to reflect on and communicate your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. You certainly know how to give and receive love. You have lots of strengths, and that bodes well for healing in therapy, if you decide to try again.
I can't tell you what I would pay for a crystal ball, myself, but so far I haven't found a reliable source for predicting the best path in life. Not knowing seems to be at the core of human experience. Sucks. All we can do is use our resources to make the best choices we can, and make peace with anything we have no influence over.
Warm Wishes, Cynthia
Last Edited by on Jun 02, 2009 12:31 AM
