I initially came to this site because I "Googled" on "Fighting Depression". Little did I know that it was created by a woman here in the East Bay in my neighborhood. Spirit works in mysterious ways! As an unemployed tech writer, who knows why she is depressed, I proceeded to take "virtual red pen" and edit the site. I always "edit" websites with spelling errors, or that are grammatically inconsistent. That's what I do! For fun, even.
But I also realized that there are other women like me who are unemployed and depressed, because they are unemployed. I have tried to connect with "middle-aged" educated career women in my situation, and find I feel so alienated. I'm not supposed to be unemployed. I have taken my education for granted, my skills for granted, my career for granted, and I am left with my self-esteem in the gutter. I am not supposed to be in this situation - at this time - at this age. The stress on my body and soul overwhelm me and paralyze me. This is where I am at. For several years I have struggled with this notion that "you are not what you do", that who you are is not defined by work. That is a major issue. This post, I'm sure, is just the beginning, but given that I didn't know it existed 10 minutes ago, revelations are truly wonderful.
Would love to hear how others are coping with this situation.
Hi and welcome to the forum! If you agree that your request fits best on the depression forum, we could move it there, or if you want to be on the queer forum, that's fine too. Thanks to your help, I discovered I had misspelled "devastated" on the home page. I can always use some red ink!
In my experience, trying not to be "what you do" or not to be "defined by work" is an unreasonable expectation of yourself. We all have to feel like we are something and can do something. If work is the only way you know yourself or feel valuable, that probably means you don't know who you are or that you are valuable from any other source. The solution isn't to resist your need to feel good about yourself because of your work; it's to develop a sense of who you are and how worthy you are with or without work. Then when you don't have work, you still have an identity and a sense of value.
Often what you describe comes from a history (parents especially) of being highly valued for an exceptional talent (like writing). It may sound like a gift to be praised for a talent, but when parents focus on the one talent, the child learns she is only valuable because of the talent, so she has no value as a whole person. Parents do this when they have deficits in their own self-esteem and find they can prop it up by using their children's special talent to reflect worth onto them.
Do you relate to any of this? Obviously I don't know enough about you to say any of this is true for you, but it is for many people who share the kind of suffering you're describing.
Last Edited by on Apr 17, 2009 3:03 AM
Thanks Cynthia for your feedback. You could move this to the depression forum, but I haven't yet discovered where that is on your site.
In terms of self-worth, writing is my skill, my passion, my "what makes me ME". I have always known that. But I do other things, and at times like these I don't give myself enough credit for recognizing that I have survived the last 4-5 years with gardening skills, not writing skills. Everyone else acknowledges how hard that must be, but I thought it was very easy, considering I had those skills, but never paid bills with them.
The basics of parental/guardian acknowledgment never happened in my family, so I never got "mentored". I know that would have made a world of difference, both with self-esteem issues, and value and worthiness. I've tried over the years to give myself what I never got as a child. Sometimes it works. But I have found that the skills I learned as a child to survive as a child no longer work as an adult; the rebellion, acting out, being the "black sheep", etc.
Since each day is a regrouping of energies, I feel worn out. Getting out of the house is arduous; sleeping normal hours is difficult; maintaining normalcy when you know things are not normal - either with you or around you - creates pain, which sometimes is unbearable. At times, waking up in the morning and going to bed at night are my primary concerns, with everything else being secondary.
I'm a survivor, and I'm good at doing THAT, but my emotional sobriety is extremely precarious.
Ok, you sparked another improvement to the site; the depression forum is now called, "Free Depression Forum." The name I had before was obviously too obtuse. Thank you again!
You certainly sound depressed, and I take that very seriously. While there are limitations to what I can do on the forum, let me begin by asking you what is causing you to feel so depressed right now, if the gardening-rather-than-writing issue has been around for 4-5 years? Have you felt this way the whole time, or has something else come up recently to get you down?
Last Edited by on Apr 20, 2009 6:36 PM
Thanks for creating the Depression Forum choice, and my ability to find it. If you want to move my entry there, that would be fine. I'm hyper-sensitive to what I see on sites, but that's not your problem; it's mine.
I am depressed because I feel that choices I've made over the past few years have been induced from the outside. My financial situation changed when outsourcing changed my career expectations. I went back to school to get another certification in Systems Analysis and Design, and never got my foot in the door. Knowing I had to do something to generate finances, I chose to advertise on Craigslist to do labor jobs (anything that didn't require a resume), and I emphasized gardening. I still advertise, though because of this current economic environment, I can't count on any steady work. Ongoing clients have dropped me because of water rationing, and now clients drop me because of their own uncertainty in the economy. I truly feel like I have no control over my financial situation, and yet I see other people, and though I try not to compare myself, I think "why are they working, and I'm not".
Fear (stress), frustration, and low self-esteem exacerbate an already tenuous situation, and I feel like I'm fighting myself, being my own worse critic (that's not new), self-sabotage (again not new). I don't treat myself right, which translates into a cycle of procrastination.
There are days when I can cope, and do the work I have scheduled for myself, but there are days when I struggle.
I've just recently started to eat right again, and that makes me feel good. But in 90 degree weather, I can't garden, and I feel lost if I don't have writing or editing to do (although I do write for myself every night). Of course I could always clean house (which would definitely be a good thing). Getting out of the apartment everyday regardless of (whether I have) work, makes me feel "normal", so I do that.
I guess everything translates into motivation. I need to schedule projects, which will change my physical and emotional environment.
Do you have any suggestions about changing one's emotional environment?
Well, it sounds like you know yourself well, and that you are already doing some of the things you know make you feel better. For sure, keep up what you're doing. Here are some things you didn't mention that help many people:
1. Regular aerobic exercise--something that creates a constant elevated heart rate (but not so you're too out of breath to talk). Preferably jogging, because the alternating foot pounding helps too.
2. Psychotherapy. It sounds like you have some longterm underlying issues that keep you stuck. Therapy is generally good for that.
3. Cognitive restructuring. You can do some of this on your own. There are good books to guide you. Sometimes when people stop practicing saying, "I'm a fuck-up" to themselves and start consistently practicing, "I'm a good person," or "I've done many smart, capable things in my life, and I can do more," or whatever--these are only examples--how they feel changes from despair to joy.
4. Wellbutrin and anti-depressant medication, or herbs. Sometimes medication can provide the ability to motivate yourself when nothing else can.
5. If "eating right" doesn't include avoiding sugar, caffeine, alcohol, non-prescription drugs, they may be sapping your emotional energy.
6. Pretend you are your own good parent. You parent like the best parent you've ever seen (or imagined) in person, in a movie, or anywhere. What would that parent do with you to help you move to a better place in your life right now? Remember, I said "good parent," not your parents! If you can't do it with yourself first, try doing it with other people first. Talk to yourself about other people in a compassionate way. If you catch yourself being critical, gently re-focus on compassion for them. Then give yourself, or imagine a good parent giving you compassion, empathy, nurturing. Add protection and wisdom. Then, what's the first step of action?
Let us know what happens!
Warmly, Cynthia
Last Edited by on Apr 28, 2009 8:47 AM
