I feel that I need some professional help dealing with some things in my life. I lost my father about 8 years ago to Diabetes and just lost my mother this past June to Cancer. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this - even my husband. He feels helpless when I get depressed about it. On top of that, I feel like I'm obsessive of my husband and very insecure about myself at times and take it out on him, which is not doing us any good (we've only been together for 2 years & married for 1). He's trying to find ways for us to get through this, but I think that if I don't seek help now, I am going to ruin our marriage. I just want to be happy. I know that you probably can't help anyone via e-mail, and since you are in CA I won't be able to see you, but after reading your credentials and the information you posted, I felt that I could ask you for your opinion. Do you think I need professional help or is this something I can fix on my own? Please advise. I don't know where to start, and I'm very embarrassed about seeking help from a psychologist. If you know of any doctors - like yourself (compassionate and geared towards women)- in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area, that would be very helpful.
I'm so glad you reached out to ask me about this. Everybody who loses a parent needs to talk to people about it, and to cry, and feel sad and mad, and sometimes guilty, and alone, and any number of feelings. This is a healthy healing process that human beings are given for healing emotional losses, just like we are given coagulants in our blood to heal cuts in our skin. You must give yourself a chance to grieve. Grieving the loss of someone to death usually also requires telling stories of experiences you shared with that person, and telling them over and over. If you felt fully free to do this, and if you at least had a strong network of close friends you could do this with, I could imagine your getting through your grief without a therapist. On the other hand, every good therapist will help you with this process, and is a good sounding board for all those feelings and thoughts you need to express. It takes a long time to grieve a parents' death; the first year after the death is the most painful. After that it usually gets less frequently painful, and anniversaries of the death, or of special occasions that remind you of your Mom, or your Dad are the hardest times. People don't just go to therapists for mental illness, but for many other ordinary struggles we all have in life.
The second issue is your relationship with your husband, and I can tell you're very concerned about it. that is a very, very good reason to go to a therapist. Relationships are very vulnerable to miscommunication, disappointments, and resentments. It is important that you talk to a therapist you trust about your feelings and thoughts about your relationship for it to be a healthy, happy one. Eventually your therapist may recommend you and your husband see a marriage therapist together, but start with yourself. You need, and deserve to have your own therapist for yourself right now.
I wish I could tell you who to go to, but I don't know anyone. Ask any friends you feel comfortable asking; you may be surprised who has seen a therapist. Try looking in the yellow pages under "women." Also look for ads in newspapers that you enjoy reading, and if you have a women's bookstore or cafe, you may find business cards posted there for therapists. If you have a women's hotline, they may have referrals. You could also ask your doctor, if you trust him or her.
I know this will take a lot of courage for you, so I hope I can support and encourage you somehow to feel good and strong about giving this to yourself. Know that it's the best thing you can do for you and your husband.
When you find names of therapists, you may want to talk to or have a session with more than one of them for one session/conversation, so that you can choose who feels best for you. If you feel like they understand you, and what you need, and you feel as safe and trusting as you can with a person you just met, then you're probably in the right place. Good luck, and let me know what happens!
Warmly,
Cynthia
Julia
Guest
May 24, 2005
12:03 AM
Dr. Lubow,
I am so glad you responded. Thank you. Your message gave me the courage to seek the help I'm looking for. I spoke with my husband about it last night and I feel more comfortable now with the idea of seeing a counselor about the issues I'm having. He thinks it would be a good idea - especially because he knows I have a hard time discussing my mother with him. However, he doesn't feel that I need help when it comes to us as a couple - he thinks I can fix myself -but I would feel better knowing that I'm working to make myself a better person - which would in turn make both of us happier. I think he will appreciate it more when he sees results.
Once again, thank you for your compassion and giving me the strength to seek help.
I am a mother of 3 children at age 28 yrs.my husband does construction away from home 200 days a year.i feel very alone and very stressed i never get time just to relax and my husband thinks that i am always rude to him on the phone all the time but i am doing this all by myself he is a hard person to tell that i might need some help he would just say that this is so dumd.i have been on prozac with out him knowing because he would call me stupid.i quit taking it becauce i got very spacey and forgot to take them every day. i need something i cry all the time.please give me some advise
Last Edited by NATALIE MACE on Jun 22, 2005 11:07 PM
It sounds like there are many factors contributing to your feeling so bad, and I probably don't know all of them. Raising 3 kids is very hard work and depletes and deprives people unless they are very careful and/or lucky. Doing it without a partner around to help is way, way harder, especially if there isn't anyone to give you a break. Being called stupid (I'm guessing he is generally at least somewhat insulting to you) by your husband undermines self-confidence, which can cause depression, as can the anger and hurt that would be a natural response to being called stupid, if you have no way to adequately express those feelings. You also sound lonely, and don't have your husband's company, and probably not alot of other company either. Having children can be very isolating.
Part of depression is irritability, lack of ability to be patient, feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling overwhelmed by life, looking for a way out. It's common for people to find alcohol, drugs, or food (or sex, gambling, constant busy-ness, etc, etc) give them a bit of a feeling of escaping from all of this. Over time, though, those solutions cause more damage to self-esteem, and more depression and less ability to cope. I don't know if this applies to you, but people in your position are usually very vulnerable to addictions.
I can give you an idea of what to do in general, but I don't know enough about you to be able to say exactly what you need. I can only give you the benefit of my own experiences with other people. Also, just telling you what I think you should do is easy, but your trying to do it is much much harder. But here goes.
If at all possible, find a therapist to work with. Someone you think you can trust, that you begin to feel safe with as you see her. If you can't find a therapist, consider people with counseling training, like a church leader who has had this training, for example. You could also consider online therapy--there are websites where you can go and have instant messaging sessions with therapists, and there are therapists who do phone therapy as well.
Keep in mind that to change any of this so you can feel better, you will have to muster your courage, because change is scary and hard, and most of us tend to keep things the same even if they're bad, just because it's what we know.
I am making a lot of assumptions, without enough information about you, so tell me if any of this does or doesn't apply to you. I'm guessing you're isolated and lonely, and your children are your main contact with people. If so, you need to find a way to carve out some life for you as a person, separate from your kids. You need to have time with no responsibilities, time with adult friends that you feel good about yourself with, time to pursue anything you feel or have felt passion about (work, hobby, activity, creative expression, etc). Obviously you need to take care of your kids, but you can't do that unless you are not so depleted that you have nothing to give. You have to get recharged in many ways to be able to parent without feeling like it's killing you. If you are saying "yes, but..." challenge yourself to think of ideas for doing this that you never thought of before; question your assumptions about what is and isn't possible; look at trying something different than the options you've seen yourself as limited to. You are reaching out on the internet now, that's a good sign, keep reaching!
Get exercise--a brisk walk for as long as you can stand it, as often as you can stand it (try to make it fun/enjoyable--do it with friends, in a pretty place, with music, or alone if you enjoy that. If you like to dance, go to classes or dance in your living room for as long as you can. Check out my "depression tools," if you haven't already--it will tell you more.
At some point, you are going to have to deal with your husband more directly--at least not allowing him to be disrespectful of you, and possibly telling him how you feel--do you tell him lovingly how much you miss him, or do you just feel angry at him? If you have any positive feelings about him, about yourself, and about your children, focus on those, and be sure to express them. There is lots more about this that I can't convey here, and may require a marriage counselor to help the two of you talk to each other in a constructive way.
Be gentle, compassionate and forgiving of yourself, while at the same time challenging yourself to take one small step at a time toward feeling better. Don't try to do everything I've said here by tomorrow--pick one step you feel pretty sure you can do, and do it, and then when you have accomplished that, go for another one. Does that make sense?
Let me know how this all sits with you, and how you're doing.
