I am beside myself. I am a 24 year old single mom, my daughter is turning 2 next month. I left my husband early this year but I haven't begun the divorce process yet. I have 4 jobs and I am the only responsible one in my family. My daughter and I have our own apartment, I need peace to survive and enjoy my daughter. My mother depends on me for all her transportation, regardless of my plans or my jobs. I am going through a sexuality crisis, I think I am gay but I can't find any support anywhere and for some reason I need men to find me attractive in order to feel good about myself.
I have battled depression my entire life. In order to continue to work my four jobs and be the daughter everyone depends on, I have begun using illegal drugs to give me energy and motivation. Everywhere I go, people depend things of me, I am completely unable to set boundaries with my family because my mother manipulates me emotionally and makes me feel guilty for being so successful (my other sisters are absolute train wrecks). I love my daughter SO much, and I only want to be a good mother. She is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and when we are able to be alone, we are extremely happy. I was raised very poor and I don't want that for her. In February I had gastric bypass surgery and because I give so much of myself, I don't have any energy or will left to take care of myself and while I am now "thin and beautiful" I feel so sick and weak. The only energy I have is from the aforementioned illegal substances. Where do I begin? My doctor just started me back on Prozac (again) at 10MGs, I went to 20 Mg's yesterday, I have been on meds for one week. All my jobs are in nursing, even in my vocation I give too much of myself. Please, please help me! I feel so hopeless and helpless and powerless that I just want to cry.
Cari
Last Edited by Guest on May 23, 2005 11:06 PM
I'm so glad you reached out to me; it sounds like the first thing you've done for yourself in a long time! Is there any way you can see a therapist? You are dealing with the weight of the world on your own broad shoulders alone, and it's killing you. We all need help, and even more so at some points in our lives. Please don't go on suffering like this--get help! As important as therapy for you is going to coda or al-anon meetings to help you with setting limits and taking care of yourself so you are in tact enough to take care of your daughter. You can find meetings in your area online, or in the phone book. They are both 12-step groups that help with co-dependency, which you are suffering from intensely. (You may know this--it's easier to know it, harder to do something about it). You may also know that Street drugs are helpful temporarily and then make you pay back with interest all the energy they give you, and you are more depleted than ever. Eventually, they don't even work anymore, and by that time you will be too preoccupied and depleted to take care of your daughter, much less yourself. You have lots to work through, but I have seen people recover from all of it--co-dependency, low self-esteem, depression, sexual preference confusion, etc--it's all treatable, just get to a good therapist, and commit to working these things through. Write me back to let me know what you decided to do, and feel free to ask more questions if you have them.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Cari
Guest
May 23, 2005
11:32 PM
Cynthia,
Words can not describe my gratitude for your response. I do want to see a therapist, I live in Sacramento but I am willing to drive to Berkeley if you could possibly take me on as a client. With all of my problems, money isn't one of them and I consider this a neccessary investment. I have read every page on your website at least a hundred times since I last emailed you, I hope you can help me. If not, I am sure I can find someone suitable in my area.
I don't want to sound arrogant but I am fairly intelligent and most therapists I have seen in the past have not really been able to help me delve as deeply as I would like, nor have I been given real feedback that I haven't read in a dozen textbooks. I have a serious issue with honesty and I need a therapist who I can feel comfortable sharing my true self with. I also need a therapist who can understand that while I do employ street drugs to give me energy, I am not to the point where they are an obsession or even habitual. I use them once or twice during the work week and I spend less than $100 a month. I have been able to hold onto that $100 amount for months at a time without giving them any consideration. Most therapists (and HMOs) refer me immediately to NA meetings. I took their advice and discovered that I do not have an addiction. I did YEARS of self discovery and my "sponsor" even told me I was not an addict if I could hold onto drugs for months on end or even forget I have them at all. Sobriety has never been a challenge for me. Even as I write this, I am sure you are thinking I am in denial, maybe I am but currently I am certain I am not. I will look into the CoDA meetings, they have been recommended to me before and I know someone in the program who I can go with. I apologize for the length of this email, as the subject of my original letter states, I am DESPERATE! I am continuing on my Prozac and I am happy to report that I am starting to feel better. I look forward to hearing from you!! Your website has been such a beacon of hope for me. Take care and thank you, just knowing a practice like yours exists helps me believe I can be a happier, more self-actualized woman.
