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Dear Cynthia... > Did I fail my marriage?
Did I fail my marriage?
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1 post
Apr 24, 2010
8:18 PM
Me and my husband were brought together because I got pregnant. We were seeing eacherother but not exclusivly. He was 25 and I was 17.I was a kid I understand that but now that I am 25 and want somewhat of a social life it's the end of the world. It resulted to me moving out and giving up because Im not allowed to do what I would like to do. Since I've moved out he doesn't care, whether Im here or there. So why couldn't he just let me out while we were still living in the same house and made things so dramatic..And I've told him honestly what I would like for us to do recreationally in our relationship. But he would rather have fun with other people then me..Did he ever love me or being with me...???
286 posts
Apr 27, 2010
12:28 AM
I certainly can't know what is in his head, but I can guess a little. When people come together in relationships, they develop certain expectations about how each person will be. Often these expectations aren't discussed, and each person may not even be aware themselves of their own expectations. This can cause problems when circumstances shift and one person breaks the unspoken contract without even realizing they had a contract.

It may be that when the two of you got together, he expected to play a bit of a parent role with you, meaning perhaps that he would be in charge, protect you, and expect you to be obedient, essentially. Your side of the contract may have been that he takes care of you and the baby and you let him lead. At that point, each of you may have expected what the other person expected of both of you.

In time, and with your becoming an adult, you may not have needed or wanted so much parenting and protection and leadership from him. As is natural in growing up, you may have developed a need for more independence, and a more equal relationship with him. If he didn't also change, then you have broken the contract. This is not a bad thing--actually it's a good thing. You wouldn't have wanted to live your whole life with your partner acting like a parent, as if you were a child. But of course this inevitably causes conflict.

It is possible the two of you could get help in re-negotiating the contract from some good marriage counseling, but I'm also going to guess that he might not be willing to go to counseling. I think you want both your independence, and a close connection with him, and those are healthy needs. It's important that you not give up your independence to go back to the contract. You have grown out of the contract, and if he isn't willing to relate to you in any other way, then you have grown beyond him, and need to find a partner who is better matched for the woman you have grown into. So what do you think about these guesses--do they fit with your experience?

Warm Regards,

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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

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