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Dear Cynthia... > How to accept his past?
How to accept his past?
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Oct 14, 2014
6:12 AM
Dear Cynthia,

First of all, I'd like to apologize if this is not the right place for this post, as it has a specific content. I would understand if it is not appropriate and it doesn't get published.
I will start with trying to give an overall picture of my current situation... I am an young woman having a happy relationship with my husband to be for the last two years. We have been living together for 8 months now and it couldn't have been better. I do know that he is my soul mate and the person who I was made for and I am so grateful I had the chance to meet him. I feel loved and appreciated and I have no doubts about devoting my life to him even at my early age (23). We have our ups and downs of course, but we love each other more than anything and we learn how to understand each other better every day.
However, there is something in my head that doesn't give me peace of mind and has been making me feel down for the last month or so. He is a few years older than me, hence much more experienced, even though I feel I haven't missed out on anything as I have done all I have wanted to do and I have always received enough attention from the opposite sex. The fact that he has experienced more and different things in his past makes me feel very insecure about myself, especially when it comes to being intimate. There is one thing in particular that really upsets me - the fact that I was silly enough to ask him if he had had a threesome and the positive answer I received. I do regret asking with all my heart, but for some reason the words slipped out of my mouth and he was honest with me. The fact that he found the "company" of two women so arousing really worried me and I felt I wasn't giving him enough, so I asked if he wanted to have the same experience again. And he replied that he would happily watch me with another girl... which broke my heart. When he realized I was hurt by what he had said he got really mad and said he had only said it because he was thinking I was trying to trick him and he wanted to make me feel uncomfortable. Now he swears I am the only one he wants and that he doesn't want to share me or his body with anyone else, but nothing can convince me that he wouldn't enjoy being with/watching two women again. I do realize everyone is different and they have their own fantasies; I do realize a lot of men would enjoy being in this role, as well as women; I do realize that the fact he has done it before doesn't mean he doesn't love me... but I can't get rid of the image in my head of him having fun with two women. It is constantly there, it spoils a lot of moments of happiness and it makes it harder to concentrate on other things, even during our most intimate moments.
I really want to overcome this, I want to be able to accept it without being hurt, but I don't seem to find the right way to do it. I wish I could erase the memory of it... so I am asking for your help and advice, as I don't want anything to ruin what we have.
Thank you very very much for your time, Cynthia!
314 posts
Oct 29, 2014
12:27 AM
Hi Sunny,

It seems as if something about this interaction triggered a deep, old insecurity in you, perhaps from something that hurt you in childhood. Whatever was triggered is likely to have a negative effect on this or any relationship, including with yourself. You could live with this, but it will make your life and relationship much harder. If it were me, I would work with a therapist around it and resolve it so that I could be free to love and be happy, and not feel compelled to push away the one I love so dearly. Is that something you'd be up for?


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30+ years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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