I am 27 years old. I am the happiest person you will ever meet.I am the saddest person you will ever know.
Growing up in a less than loving home I have always felt isolated, alienated, and alone. In fact as a child I would constantly scribble the word alone on my journals. I seemed to have gotten over the trauma I endured as a child better than my brother who let a drug addiction consume him. Instead I found an addiction to sadness and despair.
Growing up I was popular. I had all the right friends and boyfriends, maintained good grades and was teachers pet. To my acquaintances I seemed to have it all, but alone (there's that word again) I struggled with sadness, sadness that at times would drown me. As an adolescent I thought this darkness I was drawn to was deep, poetic, a common place that teenagers went to when they are finding out who they are. In denial, I was able to push out any thoughts of grown up to be exactly like my grandmother who suffers from bi-polar disorder. "I am not a depressive, I am the happiest person I know." I would tell myself.
Today, I live in San Francisco with my amazingly smart and stable boyfriend of five years. Bless his heart, he's stayed with me after time and time again I tried to push him away. The more wonderful he is the more worthless and insecure I feel. I start fights with him. I feel he can't possibly love me. I feel like he will leave me at any time. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I answered yes to all but one of your question. Depression scares me. The though of suffering from depression makes me feel flawed and unlovable. Taking medication everyday is not anyway to live life. I always go back and forth. How do you know if you are really happy if you are clinically sad? If I am depressed does this mean that all of the feelings that I have are irrational? I feel ashamed...
I'm so sorry you feel so much shame about depression. Depression affects just about everyone to some extent at some time, and a large percentage of us in a severe way. Clearly you have many strengths, and it seems that they are allowing you to survive something that's trying to take you down. Sometimes being able to tough things out is actually a disservice though. It sounds like your feelings of shame and fear are keeping you from getting the help you need to have an easier, happier life. Are you seeing a therapist or willing to? If you were traumatized as a child, it's possible that resolving that trauma will allow you to relax and enjoy your life!
If you inherited a mood disorder from your grandmother, it might be so worthwhile to try medication--at least to see what your choices are. Many people who fight and fight to do what they have to do, and not destroy the good stuff find so much relief in having medication do that for them, so they can focus on doing what they love. Certainly medication isn't for everyone, but bi-polar disorder in particular is a physiological illness, and can't be resolved just through psychotherapy.
In any case, the way you feel isn't your fault, and doesn't say anything shameful about you. You are just human like the rest of us, and we are all messy and imperfect. It's so unfair that you have to suffer from abuse and depression and on top of that also feel shame. My wish for you is that you try to find compassion for your own suffering!