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suddenly seeking me
1 post
Aug 18, 2009
5:30 PM
Three years after the loss of my husband, I am becoming unhealthy. I seem to be eating better and regularly, sleeping well, yet, not healthy enough to be fully exercising.

I thought I had grieved enough, and started to live life again. Now, I am sidelined once again. Health issues are starting to plague me, just like they did three years ago.

I lived my life for work until Jan 2009. Now, I want to find me and be happy again. Depression never crossed my mind, and my 'grief counseller' gave me a book to read. I don't read and don't even think that I am on page ten.

How do I start, to healthy again? Being ill really sucks?
226 posts
Aug 19, 2009
11:43 PM
If you lived your life for work until 7 months ago, it's quite possible that your work took the place of grieving and healing from losing your husband, and the grief got sidelined, and stuck. Stuck grief causes all kinds of problems, including physical/health ones. If I'm right, it's not information you need so much as the opportunity to talk about your memories of your husband, all your feelings about him, and about living without him, etc. to someone you trust to listen and understand. Grieving usually requires telling the stories of memories over and over, and expressing the sadness, anger, and any other emotions you feel. With enough of this process, you will most likely heal, and be healthier. I know it's hard to welcome all those painful emotions, but if it's any consolation, they ultimately hurt you more when you don't feel and express them.


Last Edited by on Aug 19, 2009 11:47 PM
suddenly seeking me
2 posts
Aug 20, 2009
4:47 AM
Thank you Cynthia!

That sounds like a wonderful place to start.
Unfortunately, I do not have someone to talk to like that. All my friends and family are so proud of me for being strong and able to cope. They don't understand that I am not so strong inside.

I am trying to find a 'group' to join in the community.
I used to talk to him when I would sit outside....but haven't done that since I moved.
During this time, will a journal suffice?
227 posts
Aug 21, 2009
12:32 AM
Sure, journalling can help a great deal. You might even want to write to your husband in your journal. It does really help to do at least some of your grieving with caring, listening people.

It's such a shame in our culture that we equate not showing emotions with strength. You're not alone with that, many people believe this. Real strength is the ability to feel, identify and express a whole range of emotions when they show up inside us. But it won't help to talk to people who will judge you or discourage you from expressing your feelings and thoughts.

If you can find a professionally facilitated grieving group, that could be a good outlet. If you can see a grief counselor, or a psychotherapist, that could be very helpful too. If there are other grieving people reading this, please write in, and maybe we can have a little grief support group here on the forum. There may also be other online groups, if nothing else is available. Please feel free to check in any time!

Warmest Regards,

Last Edited by on Aug 21, 2009 12:36 AM
suddenly seeking me
3 posts
Oct 06, 2009
9:14 PM
I started to see a grief counsellor, who referred me to a Counseller who is BSW. I still see the grief counsellor and we talk, and feel much better when I leave her office. We talk about my friend who passed away from Cancer, she was everything to me.

The BSW p*sses me off, more than anything. When I leave her office, I am angry and frustrated about the way she speaks to me, and the tone she uses on me. I find her very demanding, and I find that I need to defend my actions to this woman. The first session, she kept repeating what I said, and finished it off with 'How does that make you feel'. The second session she asks me questions that I have already answered, and it seems like she just doesn't listen to me. I have used two sessions on her, and she doesn't even know the whole story to why I am actually there, yet. She claims that I need to eat healthier, exercise more and get to church and get medication.
Is this how it should be with her, or am I wasting my money, and should find someone else to take my case?
She finally did make me cry (because of anger, not sadness), and now I sob like a baby at the weirdest things. I thought I was unhappy before this BSW.
Should I have another session with her, or find someone else?
242 posts
Oct 07, 2009
8:01 PM
I'm sorry; I do so hate to sound stupid, but before I answer I have to ask what a BSW is?

suddenly seeking me
4 posts
Oct 10, 2009
4:52 PM
Bachelor of Social Work...there is no way that I can get covered for a grief counsellor, I have to have a 'registered' worker to get it paid for.
My issue is that only get 15 session, and I have already had 2. Any suggestions.
243 posts
Oct 11, 2009
11:56 PM
Oh ok, thank you! From what you've said, I would say find someone else. It sounds like you're having a terrible experience with her. Do youhave other options?
1 post
Oct 30, 2009
4:58 PM
Hi, I was going to respond to Cynthia's email regarding perfectionism, which is truly the bain of my existence. I am constantly feeling so bad about myself and such failure for not getting things done or taking way too long to do things that others seem to accomplish with a snap of their fingers. I also do try to cover up my deficiencies and lack of confidence, quite unsuccessfully I might add.

However, I can't help but also respond to the above post from the woman who lost her husband 3 years ago: I am also that woman. I also am having a very hard time grieving and allowing myself to grieve. I was in a bereavement support group for a year through Sutter Hospice, which I found very helpful. But now that I am no longer doing this (my schedule changed making it impossible to attend on Tuesdays due to starting my third job since my husband died, having gotten fired and laid off from the other two), I feel very alone with this. I still keep in infrequent contact with the bereavement group, however. I would highly recommend one to you: it's free.

I still haven't gone through my late husband's papers and such, and they are all sitting in what was his home office in a big mound on the floor (so much for my perfectionism!). However, my hand is being forced since I'm having family visit from out of town for the holidays and I'm going to have to convert that room into a guest room.

It's really, really hard, I know. I sometimes think that I should be so much farther along in my grief, although everyone keeps on saying that there is no statute of limitations regarding a timeline. I also am not yet thinking about dating (I'm a 'young widow'), unlike others from my bereavement group who have already found new relationships. I am very, very ambivalent about this.

Yours, Lorialyn
244 posts
Nov 03, 2009
1:18 AM
Hi Lorialyn,

It could be that something is interfering with your natural grieving process. Are you seeing an individual therapist? If not, would you consider going to one to get an opinion about whether your grief process is progressing, or if not, what's keeping it stuck?


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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