Dear Cynthia... > I lost my mother.
I lost my mother.
Ask Me, & I'll Answer
Login  |  Register
Page: 1

MaggieS
1 post
Jul 23, 2009
12:04 PM
Dear Cynthia,

First of all thank you for offering free advice on your site. I desperately needed help to cope with my life after I lost my mother a year ago. I thought I can just let time heal but little did I realized that I am not dealing with the pain but suppressing it only. Now, the pain continues and depress me more and more each day. Especially when I am hurt by someone in the family recently, I felt the loss of my mother support and comfort even more. With my mother around, she has always been a good listener and sided with me even at times she knows I am at fault. With her support and love I see my mistake clearly and I worked at changing my part. Now, without her around physically, I felt a tremendous lost of a true friend and a soul mate. I had tried talking this with various women and family member but I had not gotten the support that I needed. Most people that I had talked to had been very judgemental and critical towards me. I felt very lonely and isolated with my pain. There are just so much feeling inside me that has to be spoken and heard. Please, help me. Thank you!

Mag.
Cynthia
224 posts
Jul 23, 2009
6:37 PM
Hi Mag,

I'm sorry you're living with so much deep pain, and I'm glad you're reaching out. No one could ever take your Mom's place, and I imagine you will always miss her. For most people, though, there get to be longer periods between times you feel that deep heartache, and for some, the heartache becomes less intense over time. But you've noticed for you so far that you don't feel better with time, and maybe even worse, is that right?

It sounds like the main thing your heart is crying out for, after your Mother herself, is other people to talk to who will listen and understand and not judge you. These are the exact skills good therapists bring to their work, and this is probably a great time for you to give yourself the gift of seeing a therapist. There are other important ways to get what you need too. If you can find a grief support group, that is very helpful and comforting for many people. Are there people in your life who would listen and understand? Sometimes people don't talk nearly enough about a loss because they think people will be uncomfortable, or burdened, or get tired of hearing about it. Sometimes this is true, and sometimes it's not true, and those people actually could be good resources if given a chance. I'm guessing you probably already do this, but many people find it comforting to talk with, or write to the person they've lost. In any case, I hope that you won't try to get through this alone--it's too much pain for one person to bear alone. Most people heal from this by telling the stories of their memories of the person over and over. Please keep reaching out, and let me know if you want me to help with any of that. Would anyone else to respond to Mag too?

Warmly,
Cynthia

Last Edited by on Jul 23, 2009 6:40 PM
Rosie
1 post
Jul 23, 2009
11:57 PM
Hi Mag,

I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain and missing your mom. I really understand how overwhelming this is for you. In just a few weeks it will be the third anniversary of my mom's death. I can't say that I don't miss her, or think of her, or want to tell her about my day, but the pain is at least a little more bearable. For a very long time I could think of nothing else, but how much I missed her. Hearing a song, or being in a shared place or a certain memory can still bring me to tears, but it is not as intense as it used to be. I do still talk to her every night and that seems to bring me some comfort and keeps me connected to her.

Cynthia is right about talking to a therapist. Three years ago I think I was probably the last person on earth who would have ever thought of seeing a therapist. But I hit rock bottom and a friend recognized that and made me promise to see a therapist. I just could not cope on my own and I needed someone that I could talk to who would not judge me and would understand what I was going through. I have been seeing my therapist for two and a half years and it has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. It is an amazing thing to have someone to talk to that I can trust with all my feelings, emotions and painful hurts, and I know she will never judge me and will always support me with her care and advice. I hope you can find a way to talk to someone, because going it alone is just too difficult.

Rosie
MaggieS
2 posts
Jul 24, 2009
1:58 PM
Thank you Cynthia and Rosie for sharing your thoughts and comments. I would look up what is available therapy that my insurance would cover. I had a feeling that my cheap insurance plan will not cover any of the therapist in my area. I thought at first that I had found my church group that would offer support and guidance but I am wrong. All they care is a quick fix and tell me to focus on the mission field. I thought to myself how I can focus on the loss souls since I am loss here too dealing with this. I had tried what they had offered and it is not working. Now, my marriage is in shipwreck condition. My husband don't understand what I am going through. My mother in law is demanding and controlling. They don't sympathized and understand my grieving process. They just want to me to get over with it asap.
Cynthia, do you know any grief support group in the bay area that you can recommend? Thanks again!
Cynthia
225 posts
Jul 24, 2009
10:05 PM
Rosie, thank you for contributing your kind thoughts. Mag, I don't know of any specific grief group, but if you look up hospice agencies, they usually have them or should know where they are. Also I don't know anything about them, but there's a group therapy listing site. Here's the link:

http://findgrouptherapy.com/home/results/ca/sf_bay_area/0/grief_bereavement/0

I do think it's so important you talk to people who really understand what you're going through.

Please feel free to continue writing and I hope those many others who have had unbearable losses will also feel free to be support for Mag. Mag, if you find a great group, let us know so others can find group support too. You might also consider low-fee agencies for individual counseling and perhaps marriage counseling. The Women's Therapy Center in El Cerrito is a good one for both needs.

Warmly,
Cynthia

Last Edited by on Jul 24, 2009 10:25 PM
MaggieS
3 posts
Jul 25, 2009
1:01 PM
Hi Cynthia,

Thank you for the recommendation. I'll look into it and if I find anything, I'll post it on this site.

Mag.
MaggieS
4 posts
Aug 31, 2009
11:00 AM
Hi Cynthia,

I found Kaiser Bereavement Services. My group meeting will start in a week. Looking forward to it!
I do felt a lot better by writing and expressing my feeling in the past emails and in my journal. I also took a bit of Rosie's advice. That helps!
Now, in my group I hope to find someone that I can relate and connect. Thanks again!

Mag.
Cynthia
232 posts
Sep 01, 2009
1:30 AM
Great! Thanks for letting us know about that resource; other Kaiser members should know they have that option. I'm so glad you're feeling more hopeful.

Be Well,
Cynthia


Post a Message
Guest Name

Message

(8192 Characters Left)



Please enter the code shown above and click the 'Post Message' button. This additional step is required to help protect against message spam.


 

 

Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

I can work with anyone who lives in California through Skype

Including San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, Los Angeles, San Luis Obispo, Monterey, Santa Rosa, Sacramento, San Diego, Ukiah, Marin...