Dear Cynthia... > not much
not much
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scsp2012
4 posts
Jan 25, 2009
10:00 PM
honestly this posting thing is pretty much a journal for me... i think the reason why i screw myself over so much is i need an excuse to be noticed and i need an excuse to fuck up. i feel like a con because im think i say so many things i dont mean i try to come off as aperson who really puts my friends before me(one of my friends went to a fuckn psych ward for two weks and the others mother has a had three husbands two she cheatd on) and im just screwing up just because, just because im stupid). i wish i had a learning disability because that would ggggive me a reasonfor being... me i guess. ive screwed myself over so many times. for example last year... itried to runaway from home for no absolute reason (i wouldnt do it again but i dont really regret it either, i dont even know why i fucking did it, the first time i had sex i barley knew the person(and i completely ignored him after it and tries to talk to me a lot but i just ignore him), i got busted for drinking 4 times by my parents and each time i get caught i knew that i was guna get hell for it, i bash lesbins so bad evn though i think i might be gay, im still friends with the same girl who makes fun of me because i am black but "act white" (for some reason that really bothers me", i started smoking extreme amounts of pot, inever did my hw, i shop lifted htings i didnt need, i fought with my dad more than once evry three days(these were BIG fights) and i said some mean things i wish inever said but i just kept on saying anyways. I still keep on making these same fucking mistskes. it snot like i have a bad life, my family is well of i go to a good school, im clothed, fed, im kind of smart, educated, i live a good life. but i still seem to be addicted to fucking myself over and i cant stop doing it. i really want somebody to tell me i have a serious problem so whenever i fuck up i an blame it on something but i cant because every fucking single thing that has gone wrong was caused by me. this is why i used to drink almost every weekend was because whenever i did something stupid nad somebody would be like "wat the fuck!" somebody else would say "she had a fourth of vodka she cant help it" but in reality i wasnt drunk i knew what i was doing i justmade a mistake because i knew nobody would get mad at me for nobody would say "wtf were you thinking"

Last Edited by on Jan 25, 2009 10:15 PM
Cynthia
206 posts
Jan 26, 2009
12:21 AM
Wow! Between this post and the last couple, you have a huge list of actions you think you chose to screw yourself up and get attention. Do you feel starved for attention? What makes you feel so desperate for attention that you are willing to risk everything good in your life to get it? Are you really getting what you need--deep-down emotionally from your parents? How big is the gay factor? Could all this be a way to hide from yourself and others that you are actually gay? Is it possible that at the time you make these choices that cause you problems that you don't feel in control of the decisions? There is an essential piece of information missing here--people don't sabatage themselves over and over unless they are reacting to some kind of pain. Keep looking for what is causing you such distress that you keep undermining yourself in response.


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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