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Dear Cynthia... > out of porn and in to motherhood....?
out of porn and in to motherhood....?
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1 post
Apr 30, 2008
1:34 AM
I spent much of my life overcompensating for always feeling smart and not pretty. It became a career that spiraled downward and ended with my doing adult films for about three months. During those three months I met someone amazing and started a relationship with him. However I absolutely wasn't ready for him and was still being destructive and cheated on him in the beginning. Shortly after I did I realized how stupid that was though and began rethinking and committing myself to him. I also decided to leave the adult industry and finally go back to school.

Well, since then he's found out and has gotten more and more angry and seems less and less likely to be able to work past things and forgive me. I can barely forgive myself. To complicate matters I recently found that I'm 6 weeks pregnant (it's definitely his - it happened during an upswing between us when we decided we wanted to have children). I do love him dearly and want him to stop lashing out at me and forgive me and I'm willing to help in any way. We need help.
197 posts
May 12, 2008
8:35 PM

I'm sorry it took me awhile to get back to you, especially since this must be so painful for you. I know things may have changed since you wrote, but I'll respond as if they are the same as when you wrote.

Infidelity is a very common problem among couples, and very painful, but sometimes possible to recover from. From your point of view, it all makes sense, and it doesn't sound like you would do it again, because you have grown since then. Therapy could be helpful to you to work on the self-esteem issues that caused you to do something you now regret, and perhaps to help you integrate the parts of yourself represented in your past and present.

I don't work with couples, so I'm not an expert on how to work this through, but I know couples counseling could be helpful, even necessary to get through this. It's important to get the right counselor--lots of therapists see couples, but only a handful are really trained in it as a specialty. Ask questions about how much training and experience they have, how many couples they've treated, what method(s) they studied, and what outcomes they've gotten.

Your partner may not be immediately willing to go to counseling, and ultimately it will be up to him to decide whether he is willing to do what it takes to resolve this, or decide he's giving up. I hope he's willing, especially with the baby. Here is a link to more information about couples dealing with infidelity:




Last Edited by on May 12, 2008 8:36 PM

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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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