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Dear Cynthia... > Hopeless about ever finding love again
Hopeless about ever finding love again
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Feb 12, 2008
11:11 PM
I'm a woman about to turn 40. Men consider me pretty, smart, and outgoing. I've had a series of long-term relationships throughout the years, but whenever a man truly loves me, I get restless, bored, and worried about what I am missing in life. The only man I was ever really "in love" with was one of those ambivalent, unavailable types that's been in and out of my life for about 5 years.

I've been on my own for the last six months, and I feel annihilated by the recent experiences I have had with men I have met online. I've never suffered more rejection. Last weekend, I went out with a man I met on line a month prior and we had this amazing chemistry in person. He must have told me a dozen times how pretty and smart I was, how he was so glad he finally met me, and asked where I'd been all this time? I had this glimmer of hope, that rare feeling that I actually met someone who made me feel excited about the future. I made the mistake of letting him come home with me. We had amazing sex and he spent the night here. He left in the morning and I have not heard a word since. This one has completely devastated me. It's like I pinned my last chance of hope or happiness, my last chance of falling in love, on this person because I feel that kind of chemistry so rarely. I have been sobbing for days. I know I'll never hear from him again and now I have no choice but to to deal with myself, but I haven't a clue how to do this. Please help me... thank you.

Last Edited by on Feb 12, 2008 11:12 PM
191 posts
Feb 14, 2008
3:29 AM

Wow, you've certainly been through the wringer! So to answer your questions, it would be helpful to have more information about you and this phenomenon. This, like most human emotional issues, is complicated. It sounds, though, like you are looking for something in a man that a love relationship may not be able to give you. If this is true, the trick is to figure out what you are really looking for. I think you believe you want a longterm relationship with a man you feel madly, passionately (and mutually) in love with and not restless and bored--is that right? If so, it's remotely possible that you just haven't found the right man, but it's more likely that you haven't figured out what you're really looking for.

So ask yourself about the bored and restless and worrying that you're losing opportunities to be with other people. Tell me what you know about it. Why do you worry about that--is it the men you pick? Is it fear of getting trapped with someone? Have you been close to a relationship (perhaps your parents) where someone got trapped in the relationship? What's been your experience with feeling really close and intimate with someone? Has it happened? Did it hurt you? Were you close to anyone when you were a child? Did you get hurt by someone you felt close to as a child? Was closeness unavailable to you as a child? Did you see closeness hurt someone else? Well, that's a good start--maybe these questions will stir some thoughts/feelings/memories for you.

We all develop a template for love from our relationships with caregivers when we are children, and carry that template into adult relationships. We then look for partners who fit the template for what love is according to your experiences as a child. So what is happening with you and these men speaks volumes about what your young experiences were, but to read those volumes, we need more information about those young experiences.

Another way to try digging into some answers here, would be for you to work on what you are really looking for in a man. I mean the intangible, emotional stuff. We look for partners to make us feel safe, loved, wanted, special, valued, adult, respected, etc. Dig as deeply as you can. We also want partners to help us play out and hopefully resolve situations that hurt us in the past. So, strange as it may sound, if we've felt rejected or abandoned, or abused by our parents, we often look for rejecting, abandoning, or abusive partners--or are only attracted to men who fit that description.

As I said, this is very complicated, and different for everyone. If you want to begin to sort this out, feel free to write back and let me know what you think about all this. Or consult with a therapist for a few sessions and see if you and your therapist can help you figure out what you need in order to get what you want.

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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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