Dear Cynthia... > Where Is This Going???
Where Is This Going???
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caramel
1 post
Aug 30, 2007
1:39 PM
Here is a little background: In Feb I ended a 14 month relationship where I was completely emotionally dissatisfied and there was just too much unnecessary drama. It was my first long term relationship. In May I met this guy, we live like a 20 min walk from each other. We have hung out every weekend since we first met. Going out to lounges, dinner, movies, or just chilling at my apt or his. He works long hours sometimes and he's also starting his own clothing label so we dont really see each other that often during the week. When I say every wkend I literally mean, every fri, sat, and sunday nite...even if I go out with my friends and he doesnt go out, he will come to stay over my place when I get home that night. I am open to a relationship simply bc I feel that I didnt get what I needed in my prior relationship so even when I was IN my relationship I wanted a REAL relationship or what I thought a relationship should be. But I know that I am not really ready in a sense bc I still compare the new dude to my passed flames and not in a good way...so I guess I still have emotional baggage that I need to work through. Anyway, in the passed 4 years I have dated 3 guys exclusively, all 3 wanted to have sex with me within the first few hours, all wanted to date me exclusively within the first few days..so needless to say I rushed things with them. But this guy is different. In the 3 months that we have known each other, we have not had sex but we are initimate, he's very affectionate, he STILL introduces me as his "friend", he says that he is not ready to have intercourse and he says that it is hard for him to explain why. He has not had a real relationship in years, and he was celibate for the passed 2 yrs off and on, he says. We have fun together I like him, but this is the first time in 4 years where I felt I had to ask myself, am I into him more than he's into me? I dont even know if I could say that we are dating or not. Im not really used to things going so slow, so I dont know how to handle it. I dont know if I should be happy its going slow considering that the other 3 times I rushed into something they didnt last. Or is he just hanging out with me with no intentions of making me his girl? Am I just convenient for the moment? I mean, if he wasnt in the picture I would not be out actively looking for someone to date. So I am glad that he is in the picture simply bc its consistent. I do not want to seem clingy so I try not to talk to him that much during the week, since we do spend majority of our time together on the weekend but I really would like to talk to him everyday...but he doesnt feel the need to talk to me everyday. I try not to play little games like Im not gonna contact him lets see if he contacts me...but I do. And sometimes he goes for a day or two without contacting me but this is during the week. So Im tryin to learn to expect that from him. I really dont know what answers Im looking for. I just want to know, how best can I handle something that is so abnormal for me. I do not want to mess things up with him by rushing but Im so USED to rushing! I really care for him and would be totally hurt if I found out that he was seeing someone other than me or if he stopped seeing me for whatever reason. I just want to be able to go with the flow but at the same time I just want to know that hey, this has potential to be more. Any advice would be helpful. (We are both 27 if that matters)

Last Edited by on Aug 30, 2007 1:40 PM
Cynthia
179 posts
Sep 04, 2007
3:27 PM
Caramel,

I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you--I was out of town until today. I can see several different ways we could look at this situation. Take a look at these different possibilities and see if anything fits for you.

1. Friendship. Ask yourself if you would want to be friends with this guy if it never was going to be romantic. If the answer is "no", then you need to know whether there is potential for romance soon. You might also want to think about what makes you disinterested in a friendship with him, because a good friendship is usually a key factor in happy, longterm romantic relationships. If the answer is "yes," then try to enjoy what it is, regardless of what it might become. Some of the best relationships come from couples who were friends first.

2. Clear Communication. If you need to know what he's thinking and feeling about you, the relationship, and the future, ask him if he is willing to have a conversation about how each of you feels about what's happening between you. If he is, tell him you are enjoying him, and think of your relationship as dating with the idea that if all goes well, you will become an increasingly serious couple--which would include sex and not dating other people. Obviously you have to say it in whatever words work for you.

3. Questions. It seems like you are missing some important information about him. If I were you, I'd want to know all about his celebacy--what caused him to make that choice, what does it mean to him, what are his plans with it, etc. I would also want to know more about why he's not having sex now--is it related to the celebacy thing? Is it because he's having sex with someone else? Is it because he's thinking he might be gay? Is he attracted to you? Is there something different about his attraction to you from his attraction to previous sexual partners?

4. Look at Your Own History. If something that hurt you in your relationships with your parents and/or important early relationships is affecting how quickly you get involved with a man, exploring and expressing that hurt can help you make the most constructive choices about how to proceed in a new relationship. If you think there is a pattern to your speed in getting involved with men, and that pattern has hurt you, then it's worth looking at where that pattern came from.

If you have questions about any of this, please feel free to ask. Otherewise, I'd be interested to know what happens, if you want to write back.

Warmly,

Cynthia


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

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