Dear Cynthia... > Cutting myself
Cutting myself
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Medicine_Horse
2 posts
Apr 26, 2007
3:25 PM
When I told my grandparents that I was a lesbian, they were cruel. I started to cut myself the day after. It felt like all the pain and suffering i went through flowed out of the cut in the color of red. I like this girl who i met about 3 weeks pryer to this incident. I really want to be with her. she is a lesbian too. Is what i did to myself wrong???

Last Edited by on Apr 26, 2007 3:32 PM
Medicine_Horse
4 posts
Apr 27, 2007
4:29 PM
Today I felt Like cutting again. what should i do?? Please tell me what you think i should do????

Last Edited by on May 06, 2007 6:23 PM
Cynthia
159 posts
May 01, 2007
7:50 AM
Medicine Horse,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond sooner; I didn't get your message until today, because I was on vacation.

It is so unfortunate that your grandparents reacted cruelly to your telling them you are a lesbian. Being who you are and loving women are wonderful things. It sounds like they are not good resources for telling secrets, or at least not some of them.

It really helps to talk to a counselor or therapist who understands lesbians and how wonderful it is to be one. It's great you have friends to talk to, but it sounds like you need more. Most people can benefit from talking to a good professional about what is emotionally painful for them. Is there any chance you can find a lesbian-friendly counselor you can talk to?

Now that you've found relief in cutting, it may be tempting when you have emotional pain. We all need relief when we are in pain. I hope you can find other ways to get that relief, so you don't need to expose yourself to infection, scars and physical pain. This is a search you would do with a good therapist if you can get to one. Have you already found any other ways to relieve your emotional pain?

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by on May 01, 2007 7:51 AM
Medicine_Horse
7 posts
May 03, 2007
5:02 PM
I cant talk to a professional. the last time i did i was kicked out of the place. i keep felling that i need to cut . i have friends who used to. they said that i should ot do it. it leaves scars and it doesnt help. I wrote A Poem :
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs,and dries,and flakes, and heals
And i am not afraid to die
I am not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight
I want the pain of payment
What's left but a section of pigmy sized cuts
Much like the slew of a thousand uwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and ,spill, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I am cutting trying picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything especially a fucking knife

What do you think?

Last Edited by on May 03, 2007 5:42 PM
Cynthia
161 posts
May 05, 2007
4:22 PM
Medicine Horse,

Your poem is beautiful and painful. You certainly have writing talent--do you know that? It seems you've had a great deal of pain in your life already. Tell me more about what happened with the "professional" who threw you out? Anyone who has had to endure the emotional pain you have can benefit from talking to the right person. It is so lonely not to talk to anyone about it, and have to cope with it alone. Is there anyone in your life who is a good listener, wise and not judgmental and always on your side? That is what you are looking for.

Cutting can help in the short term. It can give you a high, a sense of control, a physical sign of your invisible emotional pain, and a feeling of relief. It does also cause scars, sometimes infections, pain, and can be something you have to explain to people for the rest of your life. That may not matter to you now, but if you do decide to live through this, lifetimes are long, with many people involved, so you may very well come to regret creating cutting scars on yourself.

But most importantly, cutting doesn't solve the problems you are facing, and so you need more than cutting can offer. What is making you hurt so much emotionally?

Warmly,

Cynthia
Medicine_Horse
12 posts
May 06, 2007
6:04 PM
I really dont remember what happened to me being kicked out, but i could not talk to one ever since. One reason is that i was treateed cruelly about my sexual orientation. The second is that my father has started drinking again. He came over to my house on monday and started to call my family names, He then threw my fishing pole into the lake. He also called my school and left a awful message for the secratary. He said " You Fucking bitch". He then Called my little sisters school secratary and said " I am on to you Bitch". I dont understand what happened to him. He was doing so well when he came out of prison. Now i might Have to move because of the stupid asshole. My littlest sister's lip was slip open because we had to go to my moms cousins house. She was on a bunk bed. She was trying to turn the ceiling fan off. but instead of ducking her head, she reached out on the fan got her. She now has stitches on her lip. she is only five , and she thinks that everyone will laugh at her now. she is also saying that she isnt beautiful anymore. I felt so bad and hurt that i cut myself later that night when everyone was asleep.

Last Edited by on May 11, 2007 8:15 PM
Medicine_Horse
13 posts
May 11, 2007
8:15 PM
I was called into the principles office on thursday. I was called in because they were filing a report against him. She said that i might be put into a shelter. I then went into the lockerroom and cut myself with a pen.
Cynthia
167 posts
May 14, 2007
10:47 PM
Medicine Horse,

You are certainly dealing with more emotionally painful stuff than anyone should ever have to. Tell me how you'd like everything to turn out?

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by on May 14, 2007 10:49 PM
Medicine_Horse
14 posts
May 17, 2007
6:14 PM
I would like it if my dad would just sober up. I want him in my life. I am moving on the 25th of may, so it really doesnt matter i wont get to see him. I will really miss all my friends. i cant take my dog with me. my horse wont probaly come with me either. I love being in missouri. I love being around all the fresh air, and scenery. I got grounded so i cant go see my horse one last time. I hate all the crap that is happening to me.

Last Edited by on May 17, 2007 6:27 PM
Cynthia
173 posts
May 22, 2007
12:04 AM
Medicine Horse,

You are facing alot of losses, and things seem really hard for you right now. Please stay in touch, and let us know what's happening as you move through these transitions, okay?

Warmly,

Cynthia
death
1 post
Sep 01, 2008
7:31 PM
im am only 13 but i have cute myself seens the 5 grad i dont really know y somethime i feel like i have no reson to live if i was gone my mom and dad would be happyer my mom and told me she is sending me away to a home were i will have nothing like in a mentl house or somthing i dont like the way i look i think im fat and ugly and at school i am called emo and a slut cuz i gess i am a emo slut i cute my self in the bath room at school that people sell me and if i dont have money for the drugs and razer blads i have sex with thim in the bath room at school i know i need help but my mom just says im crazy i gess i should just run away or somthing i really need help plezzzz if you know how to help me plezzzzz plezzzz tell me!!!! i so scared i wont make it if i dont get help!!
Cynthia
200 posts
Sep 01, 2008
8:31 PM
Death,

A counselor who works with teens and their families probably could help you. Where do you live? Do you have access to counselors at school?

If you asked your Mom and Dad if they thought they'd be better off without you, what would they say? I don't know them, so I can't say for sure, but most people who think everyone would be better off without them turn out to be wrong. What do you think about asking them? Tell them that's what you think. Ask, "would you be better off without me?"

If you can't find any professional counselors to help you, and you are scared you might seriously hurt of kill yourself, you can go to an emergency room at a hospital and tell them what you're thinking. They will most likely find you a professional to talk to. If they don't, demand that they do.

Many, many people find that around 13 is the worst year of their lives. You may be surprised that it gets better with time. For one thing, kids at school get less cruel as they get more mature. Do you have any friends?

You do the things you do because you are just trying to survive what feels horrible to you--I can see that, and other professionals will see it too. I hope you continue to fight for your life, and begin to take steps toward making your life what you want it to be. It may take years, but you will probably be glad you did. At least give yourself a chance to find a good life by the time you are in your 20's and older. Don't give up yet! Please write back and tell me what you are thinking about all this.

Warmly,
Cynthia


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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