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Dear Cynthia... > TRAPPED BEHIND A MASK
TRAPPED BEHIND A MASK
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Anonymous
Guest
Mar 21, 2007
9:57 PM
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I ALWAYS REMEMBERED MY MOTHER ABUSING ME EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. I NEVER FELT A MOTHERLY TYPE OF LOVE FROM MY MOTHER AS A MATTER OF FACT SHE MADE IT A FACT THAT I WAS A MISTAKE. I DID NOT GROW UP WITH MY FATHER SO I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. I TRIED TO DEVELOPE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WHEN I WAS TURNING EIGHTEEN BUT HE DIDNT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. MY ENTIRE FAMILY CONSTANTLY PUT ME DOWN. THAT I AM SO UGLY AND THAT I DO NOT DESERVE TO CARRY OUR FAMILY NAME.THAT I AM FAT AND UGLY, THAT I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR FAMILY, AND SO MUCH MORE HORRIBLE THINGS. ALL OF THIS I KEPT TRAPPED IN MY HEAD. EVERYTIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR I CANT STOP THE TEARS FROM FALLING BECAUSE I FEEL AS THOUGH THEY ARE RIGHT. I HATED ATTENDING FAMILY GATHERINGS BECAUSE I FELT SO UGLY NEXT TO ALL MY RELATIVES. I COULDNT EVEN ENJOY CHRISTMAS THE MOST HAPPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR. IN THE PAST I MUST HAVE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE I FELT AS THOUGH THIS WAS MY ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE MY MISORY. I WAS NEVER COMFORTABLE MAKING FRIENDS,MEETING NEW PEOPLE, OR ANY TYPE OF SOCIALIZING. I FELT IF I WERE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO SOMEONE THEY WOULD JUST LAUGH AT ME AND INSULT ME LIKE MY FAMILY DOES. MY MOTHER IS A SINGLE PARENT BUT I HAVE THREE YOUNGER HALF SIBLINGS. I FEEL AS IF IT IS MY DUTY TO HELP HER WITH RAISING HER KIDS AND HELPING HER WITH HER LIFE STYLE SINCE SHE IS A SINGLE PARENT. I DONT GET TO ENJOY MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. I DONT PARTY OR ANYTHING. I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO A MOVIE THEATER BECAUSE MY MOTHER NEEDS ME AT THE HOUSE. WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL I STARTED EXPERIENCING ANXIETY ATTACKS (AND THERE WERE STILL MOMENTS WHEN I FELT SUICIAL). UNTIL NOW I AM GETTING ANXIETY ATTACKS. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THIS SYMPTOM TO MY MOM BUT SHE THINKS ITS JUST A BUNCH OF BULL AND THAT I AM EXPERIENCING THESE BECAUSE IM FAT. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY KNOWS ABOUT ALL OF THIS. THEY CANNOT EVEN TELL THAT I AM GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS I AM CONSTANTLY INSECURE. I AM ALWAYS SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL THINK OF ME AND I AM SO WORRIED I WILL NOT PLEASE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. I AM ALWAYS CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP. ALWAYS ASKING OVER AND OVER "WHY ME? WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED CONSTANTLY. WHEN WILL I BE HAPPY. WHEN WILL I STOP CRYING?" I AM WORKING NOW AND EVEN MY JOB IS BEING EFFECTED. I AM ENGAGED TO ME MARRIED I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR MY FIANCE BECAUSE OF MY INSECURITIES. I FEEL LIKE I DO NOT DESERVE HIM. THAT HE MIGHT LEAVE ME FOR SOMEBODY BETTER LOOKING. THAT I COULD LOSE HIM ANY MOMENT. AND HE BECOMES UPSET WITH ALL MY DOUBTS. I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR OVER A YEAR NOW AND I HAVE NOT YET TOLD MY FAMILY ABOUT HIM. I AM AFRAID TO TELL THEM. AND TO THINK WE ARE GETTING MARRIED NOW. I CANNOT HELP MYSELF FROM THINKING THESE THINGS.I GUESS MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT I THINK TO MUCH I DONT KNOW.I AM SO INSECURE WITH MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW. I HATE EVERY SINGLE PERSON AROUND ME NOW. I FEEL AS THOUGH THEY CREATED ME THIS WAY TO BECOME THIS WAY. I WANT TO STOP THIS FEELING BUT I CANT. I AM AFRAID THAT I WILL DIE BECAUSE OF THESE THOUGHTS INSIDE MY HEAD. I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ANY OF THIS. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SPILLED OUT ALL OF THIS. I WANT ALL OF THIS TO STOP. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE NOW. IM ALMOST TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE. I DONT WANT TO CRY EVERY NIGHT. I DONT WANT TO HAVE ALL THESE THOUGHTS. I DONT WANT TO HAVE ALL THESE DOUBTS AND INSECURITIES. I HAVE WORN A MASK OF A JOLLY HAPPY PROBLEM FREE GIRL MY ENTIRE LIFE BUT I CANNOT HIDE MYSELF BEHIND THIS MASK ANYLONGER I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO..
Cynthia
154 posts
Mar 21, 2007
11:54 PM
I just can't tell you how moved I am by your story! You have been through more emotional pain than 10 people could handle. I don't know how you've had the courage to endure all that pain all these years, and I especially don't know how you've done it completely alone. You are a survivor! I am so, so honored that you told me your truth after all these years of hiding. I am getting the benefit of your courage by getting to know about the real you.

I don't know why your family is so condemning of fat--it is just part of your body; it doesn't mean anything about your value or worth or lovability, or ability to be a friend, daughter, girlfriend, wife, employee, or anything else. Of all the qualities anyone has, fat is one of the least important. Secondly, "fat" and "ugly" are not the same thing. You are apparently very appealing to the man who wants to marry you, right?

You have been treated very badly, and it takes time to heal from that. It takes healing relationships. You need to bring into your life a person or people who see the beauty in you and reflect it back to you over and over and over--this is parents' job, but yours didn't do their job. Maybe your fiance is able to do this, but it is really a parenting job, and partners usually want more of an equal relationship. This is what good psychotherapy offers--a good sort of parent who can provide the essential parts of parenting that we all need to be happy adults, but many of us don't get from our parents. Is therapy a possibility for you? I know you will probably think you don't deserve it, but I hope that doesn't stop you, because it's backwards. You never did anything to deserve to be emotionally abused--no one deserves that! You deserve to be happy just because you are alive--everyone deserves that.

Warmly,

Cynthia
stepheezy1
2 posts
Dec 01, 2008
8:31 PM
i can relate to this person so much. it made me tear reading your story.
my mother gives me a lot of shit about me. saying i am fat or ugly that im stupid and deserve to live on the streets.
when i was younger my mom used to hit me with anything that was closest to her for the dumbest reasons. she would make me cryy all the time. and she drove my brother crazyyy. and he left the house once he hit 17.
he was my best friend. though we fought and i was way younger than him.i always knew i could confide in him. i am only 14, and im a freshmen. and its getting harder and harder.
and i want to leave.
but im too scared to.
something is just holding me back.
i want to move out
i feel like im stuck in a hell house.
my mom iss horrible i hate her.

there is no one i can go to for advice anymore.
everyone is on their own now.
i need help.
Cynthia
201 posts
Dec 05, 2008
2:43 AM
I'm so sorry you're having to live in such horrible conditions! How about if you write into this forum as often as you want, and let us know what and how you're doing with all this. Maybe I and anyone else who wants to can support you through this time, toward finding a solution? Would you do that?

Warmly,
Cynthia


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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