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Dear Cynthia... > Shameful habit
Shameful habit
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1 post
Jan 30, 2007
11:56 AM
am 34 years of age and would like to be in a loving and committed relationship. I have met approx 10 men in the past 18 months through websites and meeting in social settings, however none of them has worked out. Many of these have been first dates and chats which hasn't gone to a 2nd date. Two men I met over this time were 2 guys that I clicked with straight away. The first guy was someone where the sparks just flew an we talked an unbelievable 9 hrs in a hotel lobby and had a most enjoyable night. At the end he said to me if we had met here while staying in the hotel we could have slept together and I said yes, how stupid! We arranged to meet 3 weeks later because of our other commitments. In between that time he rang often but that was it he stopped ringing and I wondered why and still do. The second guy was someone I met at my house when he called to do a costing on home improvements. I didn't know what to think but after he left my home he contacted me and asked me out for a drink. I was wary but it turned out i knew a member of his family well through work. We met and again we talked for 8 hrs. We had so much in common, he talked about hobbies and likes/dislikes etc that i could not wait to see him. Within an hr of talking to him I just said that i was going to marry this guy, what a foolish thought! That night we ended up kissing each other quiet heavily in his car. We spent the following day together and again had a great time. He promised to ring but never did. I rang 5 days later and made a scene on the phone saying where do i stand and why hasn't he rung. i feel such a fool for belittling myself like that. Two weeks later I met another guy and this time we were together for 8 months but we never clicked. We slept together about the 2nd date. I ended things last week with him because all i felt was emptiness and resentful because I was making more of an effort. When i read this to you i feel very ashamed to think that this is the horrible habit I have gotten into by sleeping with a guy on the first/second night. First of all Brad am I giving guys a very wrong impression of myself and is this why relationships do not work otu for me. I am a underconfident person and maybe this why i have gotten into this horrible habit. I am very down about this so your advice would be appreciated. thanks
137 posts
Jan 30, 2007
10:39 PM

What frustration and disappointment you have been through! Is your question about whether or not having sex with guys within the first few dates is chasing them away? Yet you didn't have sex with either of the guys you really liked, right? Maybe I misunderstood.

If you think your insecurity is chasing men away, that is a good thing to work on. Insecurity will not only chase men away, but it will undermine relationships if they do happen. But insecurity is not your fault, or something shameful about you. Insecurity comes from not getting your normal needs met as a child, and that responsibility belongs to your caretakers. Insecure feelings and thoughts about yourself can be resolved in therapy. It can sometimes be resolved in relationships, too, but that is riskier and takes much longer.

Are there any men in your life who would be honest with you if you asked what impression you give to men? If so, this could be very useful information. Be sure to listen to their response without getting defensive. Just take it as information that could help you get what you want.

You know, there is also the possibility that you just haven't met the right guy yet, too. Dating, especially internet dating often takes weeding out many people before meeting the right one. Have someone take a look at your profile too. If your pictures don't look like you, or your profile describes you in a way that is significantly different from how you present yourself in person, you are setting yourself up for failure.

If I didn't answer your question, please try me again; I'm happy to try again.


2 posts
Jan 31, 2007
11:02 AM
Hi Cynthia,

Thank you for your response. Truthfully I have not had sex with the two guys I clicked with, however i did have sex with the guy that i never clicked with. Yes I would say that i never got the emotional safety when i grew up. My parents married late in life and affection was never really shown, however 2 of my sisters are in happy stabel relationships and 2 others are not so I don't know how this is reflecting to you. I want a loving relationship. I'm at this crossroads where I have moved aboard for study reasons and job experience for a while and will return at the end of this year and i don't know where I am heading to be honest. I am walkover, too sensitive, very low self esteem and confidence, no wonder i have come across as desperate to these men whn in fact I would like them to have had a chance to meet the funny good person I truly am. I have gone to a therapist for this and yes she wa good but I know the hard work is down to me to follow. The guy who I was last seeing funnily enough is someone who I could talk to about this but because he would tell me the truth but that would be inappropriate at this stage, other than that there would be no other guy. Can you please advise?

Last Edited by on Jan 31, 2007 11:04 AM
138 posts
Feb 02, 2007
10:28 AM
Hi Corrie,

Relationships, even after finding one, are very hard to handle with low self-esteem. While you are looking for the guy of your dreams, prepare yourself to be ready for him when he comes along. If you don't feel finished with the process of developing compassion for yourself, and delight about who you are, then work with a therapist until you are.

The foundation of self-esteem comes from good parenting. When parents can delight in their children, and show their delight; when parents can take care of their own needs, and be admirable to their children, and when parents offer compassion, comfort and protection to their children, self-esteem will develop. Since your parents weren't able to do this, you still need to get it. We all need all of this for all of our lives, but when we get it from our parents when we're children, we grow up being able to give it to ourselves. Without that, we need therapists, teachers, mentors, bosses, grandmothers, friends, partners, etc to give it to us until we are able to take what they do inside us and then do it for ourselves. Being happy, healthy adults requires being good parents to ourselves.

What do you think?


Last Edited by on Feb 02, 2007 10:31 AM
May 14, 2007
1:49 PM
hi Cynthia,

i haven'y written to you in a while however i wold be grateful for your help on this one. I talked back in feb about all the men i have met and how one in particular stood out (guy who called to my house, named A). i have been attending this self development course for the past 3 months and it thought me to be responsible for the hurt I have caused others and to say i am sorry. i caused this breakup with the above guy and sfter 12 months I contacted him to say i was sorry and that was it.there was nothing more to it. he responded and said "right ok""how are you and what was the course i was doing". i explined all and he said fair enough". that was it no other contact however 2 weeks later i contacted him again and asked him out for a drink, he said "why would you want to do that", "I said because i want to see you", however if you were with someon enow to please ignore my text'. He never replied. i got stubborn and rang him leaving a message on his voicemail saying that "I'm sorry for contacting you and please ignore my last text". i felt so stupid because i did not mean that and contacted him again when he answered the phone, i was so nervous and he was shocked to hear from me after a year. i said that you must think it strange with the mixed messages i have been gieving you today but i need you to hear me out about what i have to say. he said i have to admit it was strange alright however i am listening. i told him that i have been thinking about himrecently and wanted a chance to see him again for a drink and to explain. he said right. i said that if i am wrong tell me and i will leave you alone but can you tell me that their was nothing between us when we met and he said he couldn't deny this as there was a soecial chemistry between us not lust but soemthing special which he had never felt before and me likewise. i told him that i wanted to see him and but he said it has been a year and i have not thought about you in many mths which i said included me also. he asked me if i was on anything and I said no because he did think i was crazy after about a year to tell someone i still have feelings for them, i don't blame him for thinking that however I am very sane. i asked him if he would meet me in 2 wkds time and he said he would. i said to hin to please do not say that unless you mean this and he said well why ,did you ring me if you think i will let you down. i said i don't know. he said take a risk and see. he asked me to contact him nearer the time. i wnat to tell him that i want another chance with him and if he does not want this i will respect this whatever he wants. you could ask Cynthia why all of a sudden i contact him. He contacted me 5 months after finishing and was acting totally silly. i asked him why contact me after this time and he did not reply. i contacted him later on and wanted to get back with him however i was afriad of rejection and did not have the couarge to say i was sorry and that i wanted him back. this could happen yet but i know that i must see this thorugh and or else i will always regret bot trying. God knows his amy look like desperation but it's not, I really do know what i want, it has taken me 34 years to find this out. i would not be putting myself on the line for this guy if i wasn't sure about trying. thank you for this opportunity to jsut say what's on my mind
169 posts
May 15, 2007
11:25 PM

It doesn't sound like you have a question for me, but writing it out can help you clarify what you want. If you do have a question, please let me know. Otherwise, let us know how it goes when you see this guy!


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Email: CynthiaLubow@yahoo.com 

 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

 San Francisco East Bay Area Therapist

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