Dear Cynthia... > emotionally detached
emotionally detached
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York
1 post
Nov 25, 2006
9:57 AM
Hi Cynthia,

I have been seeing this guy for the past 3 months. He is probably one of the most respectful, honest and relaible guys i have met as I have been let down and hurt quite a lot this year by men, some of it i have to add has been my fault and not totally the guy's. However I have moved on and am trying to learn from the mistakes of the past. I wanted to ask your advice in that myself and this guy who I am seeing live quite a distance away. We met when I was living locally in his town but due to my work I had to move to a different state. Before I moved we decided to stay in touch and see each other when we could. I have to say that I do care about this guy because of who he is however it is proving hard as I analyse everything about what he says and does. I returned to the town recently where he lives as i had to return for work purposes and we got along fine. we enjoyed each other's company but we talked also about had he mentioned me to his friends which he said he didn't. We talked about when i would be visiting his area again and if he would like to meet up.He said no because he would not be available. I have noticed that he has become emotionally detached from me which I do find difficult and hurtful. He continously rings several times during the week even after my visit. I know that he has been hurt and to be fair he has informed that he does not want to get too attached to me in case it ends in diaster and I get hurt. He is a conservative guy who has had a cold and show no feeling type of upbringing maybe hence this attitude towards me. I suppose what I'm asking is do I stick around and give this guy a chance but been aware that things between us might not get better. I am 34 and he is 31 years old.

many thanks,
York
Cynthia
122 posts
Nov 29, 2006
2:43 PM
York,

The important thing to remember is that people in love relationships will only ever change up to 30% of what you want them to change--the rest will never change. The rule of thumb is: Assume he's not going to change--do you want to pursue this, given that assumption? The mistake people make over and over is to hook up with someone who would be a good partner if X changes, and assess whether or not this is a good choice based on what he will be when X changes, not on what he actually is now.

But it's also important to know what you want. For me, a partner who wasn't completely open and honest with their feelings and thoughts would be completely out of the running. But I'm extreme that way, and fortunately I did find someone who could match me that way. You may be satisfied with much less openness, and you should choose a guy by what works for you.

Also, what you want from him will affect your decision. If you just want to date long distance, with communication in between, he may be just what you want. If you want this to lead to his moving to where you are and marrying you, and staying together longterm, that may not be something you can get from him.

So decide exactly what you want, and then do an honest assessment of what he has to offer now, and see if they match. Let me know how it goes.

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by on Nov 29, 2006 2:44 PM
York
2 posts
Dec 01, 2006
11:09 AM
Hi Cynthia,

I read carefully what you said and a few things came to mind.
1.I will be living in another country for the next 10 months and really focusing on my career.
2. A full relationship is not soemthing I could deal with right now and maybe getting to know this guy over time might be best, keeping it casual and light. in that way I won't get hurt but it will also allow me a chance to get to know him personally and build a friendship.
I have made mistakes in the past and rushed things that have never worked out.
Taking it slowly will give us both the chance to build some trust. Yeah i think i am happy with my decision and let nature take it course. if it's mean't to work out it will.

Thank you again for your advice which i have found to be very helpful. What your doing on this site is a nice thought.

regards,
York
Cynthia
123 posts
Dec 03, 2006
11:04 PM
York,

It sounds like you've come to some resolution for yourself, and it makes sense to me. Please feel free to check in if you have any other questions or concerns you think I could help you with.

Warmly,

Cynthia
York
4 posts
Dec 17, 2006
8:46 AM
Hi Cynthia,

Just wondering what your professional opinion is on this. I was speaking to M a few days ago about how he thinks we are getting on and he stated that he was unsure about things between us. He told me that he had thought about ending things because he was uncertain of what was going on and he didnt want to hurt me. he said that he genuinely enjoyed been with me for the time I was at home however he was losing interest in me when I informed me that I was heading away and didn't want to put much effort into it which is understandable. He told me that he really did like me but was so uncertain as to whether it should continue. he asked me what I wanted and i told him that I wanted to see him more and that I was coming home evry weeeknd from Jan onwards not for him but for personal reasons and that if he wanted we could see each other then. He agreed that if we want to give this a chance he is prepared he work at it and that when he had freetime he would fly over to see me. he said that he wanted to find out if the spark/connection that was connection between us could be restored, maybe and maybe not. this is such a huge change from before, I could not beleive what I was hearing, however that i was not to get my hopes up and if he thought things were not working out he would end it. i apprecaite the fact that he thoguht enough of me to actaully listen to my concerns and that he is prepared to act on them. What do you think Cynthia?

Last Edited by on Dec 18, 2006 8:13 AM
Cynthia
128 posts
Dec 19, 2006
12:41 AM
York,

I don't see any way to predict the future of this relationship. I think all you can do is give it time, keep checking in with him, yourself, and the forum to see how it's going for you inside, and see what happens. It appears that there just isn't enough information to know yet where this will go. I know it's hard to wait and see, so look for ways to help you with the anxiety of not knowing whether this start will lead to hurt and disappointment, or lasting, satisfying love. Keep your focus spread out between him and other sources of pleasure and comfort, and other good feelings.

Did I answer your question?

Cynthia
York
5 posts
Dec 19, 2006
12:54 PM
Hi Cynthia,

Yes you did answer my question. One thing is for certain I am my own worst enemy by getting anxious for what, absolutely nothing. I need to trust my instincts more and maybe have a bit more faith but yes you are right try and look outside of this and enjoy for what it is for however long it lasts. I sound like a broken record with this query so my apologies for going on a little about it but just to say that I do appreciate your help and advice.

Kind regards,
York


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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