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Dear Cynthia... > I can't stop grieving
I can't stop grieving
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2 posts
Oct 11, 2006
5:52 PM
Over the last 4 years I have lost 6 people. The last one was just a few weeks ago. 4 have died of cancer and 2 due to heart problems.
The first to die was Lynn,a woman I would have given my own life to save. I loved her so much it still kills me inside to not have her around every day. She was only 43(9-2-02 Cancer) and one of my best friends I ever had. My girlfriend hates that I'm still grieving her death. She had ovarian cancer which her doctor didn't detect until it was in 4th stage. She had complained about the pain in her stomach and was bloated but her doctor kept telling her it was just gas.
The 2nd was my brother 57 (9-21-03 Cancer). His doctor gave him a clean bill of health before he left for his winter home in New Mexico. His wife calls 2 months later and said he couldn't walk and was extremely sick. He died 10 months later of prostate cancer which his doctor had check before he left town.
The 3rd was My nephew 1 month old(10-07-04). Died from heart problems. The doctors kept telling my niece her pregnancy was going qreat and that the baby was healthy.
The 4th was my dad 80 (10-17-04 cancer). Again the docotr kept telling my dad that he was fine and that he was just depressed because my brother had just died. He kept telling the doctor there was something not right with him. My dad died 10 days after my nephew.
The 5th was the sister of the 1st one that died, she was 46 (4-25-06 heart problems). Now her son was just told he has cancer.
The last one was another friend 51 (9-25-06 cancer). I feel really guilty because I didn't get over to see her the last few months of her life. I knew she wasn't doing well. My girlfriend wanted me to go see her but I couldn't. I had already watched the others waste away to nothing. I couldn't do it again.
My doctor says I'm depressed and I need to go to counsling. What's it going to help? It's not going to bring back the people I love. I tried talking to the doctor but I couldn't stop crying long enough to get out what I wanted to say. My girlfriend tells me I'll get over it with time. How much time will it take? It's been 4 years for Lynn and I miss her every day. I miss the rest of the people but Lynn is the one I cry for, the one I hurt for, the one I loved the most.
This way seem easier by not having someone watch me and judge me as I tell them how I feel. I know I need help. Can you help me understand all of this? Any advise would be great.

Last Edited by bubbleeyes on Oct 11, 2006 6:11 PM
102 posts
Oct 13, 2006
2:11 AM

That's just way, way too much loss for anyone to have to endure!! I think you're doing well if you're still alive and walking around. Grieving can take much longer than either the person grieving or the people around her want it to. It takes the time it takes. Who judges you? Do you mean your girlfriend? Is she threatened by your love for your friend?

Grief heals by talking about it and telling the stories of the people you lost--your memories--over and over and over. For at least some of this, someone must listen compassionately. The anger and sadness and guilt and lonliness and all the feelings involved have to be talked about, understood and respected, and expressed physically.

Going to counseling won't bring anyone back, but it could help you get unstuck in your grief if you're stuck, and allow your mourning to proceed. If guilt, or anger, or lack of opportunity to expess thoughts and feelings about the loss to an empathic listener get in the way of grieving, the process can get stuck. Stuck grief doesn't progress or resolve over time, like unstuck grief does.

Unstuck grief does heal. That doesn't mean it stops hurting, or you forget about the person, it just means there's enough relief in the pain that you can function and live happily, with some sense of peace about the loss and the sadness of losing.

Is therapy an option for you? Are there others in your life who can listen to your memories and feelings and treat them with empathy?



Last Edited by Cynthia on Oct 13, 2006 2:15 AM

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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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