Dear Cynthia... > Cheating Girlfriend
Cheating Girlfriend
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Dawn
1 post
Sep 16, 2006
11:48 AM
Cynthia,

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and recently found out she has been cheating on me for 6 months.
She is cheating with someone I thought was a good friend of ours.
She has been sleeping with the both of us seperatly and has suggested a threesome.
I feel like I would do anything for her to keep her in my life, but I don't know about doing a threesome.
I love her with all my heart and although I am very hurt by her actions, I am not willing to lose her to someone else.
I guess my question is should I have the threesome and hope that I can keep my girl or should I say no and hope that I don't lose her anyway.

Dawn
Cynthia
94 posts
Sep 16, 2006
9:32 PM
Dawn,

I don't think it's as simple as that choice. The answer depends on many different pieces. If you are attracted to the other woman, would enjoy a threesome, and feel confident that any feelings that came from the experience for any of you would be talked about in a respectful way, then it might be a good thing. If you have no interest in sleeping with the other woman, and would just be doing it to keep your partner, then you probably need to ask yourself what you will feel during and after you have the threesome. Will you feel disgust, guilt, jealousy, left out, angry, sad. Will you and your partner be primary mates and prioritize each other, or will your partner completely divide her loyalties between the two of you. Is your partner in love with the other woman; what if you fall in love with her; what if your partner wants to do threesomes with others after this one? Is there something in your relationship with your partner that is not working well? Will doing a threesome bring the two of you closer, or distance the two of you? I would highly recommend you and your partner talk it all out thoroughly, preferably with a couples counselor, so both of you know how the other feels, what she expects, wants, needs before going into it. What do you think about it?

Cynthia
Dawn
2 posts
Sep 17, 2006
11:00 AM
Cynthia,

"Will you feel disgust, guilt, jealousy, left out, angry, sad."

Yes, I know I would

"Will you and your partner be primary mates and prioritize each other, or will your partner completely divide her loyalties between the two of you."

I don't think we will be primary mates

"Is your partner in love with the other woman; what if you fall in love with her; what if your partner wants to do threesomes with others after this one?"

I think she has fallen in love with the other woman.
I may be willing to do threesomes with other women just not this one.

"Is there something in your relationship with your partner that is not working well?"

Yes, we argue continuosley.

"Will doing a threesome bring the two of you closer, or distance the two of you?"

I am unsure as the subject has never been approached previously.

"I would highly recommend you and your partner talk it all out thoroughly, preferably with a couples counselor, so both of you know how the other feels, what she expects, wants, needs before going into it. What do you think about it?"

Yes, I beleive that to be a great idea though I am unsure what my girlfriend will think about it.

I recognize that I have much to think about. Thank you for the information.

Dawn

Last Edited by Dawn on Sep 17, 2006 11:06 AM
Cynthia
96 posts
Sep 18, 2006
11:49 PM
Dawn,

If the two of them are in love and you and your girlfriend fight continuously, it doesn't seem likely to me that a threesome will resolve the issues between you and your girlfriend. It seems more likely that it will only delay, or make more dramatic, the inevitable--that your girlfriend leaves you for this other woman. I could certainly be wrong; I am missing lots of information, like how your girlfriend feels, and I hope I am, if you want to hold onto the relationship. Please feel free to continue to check in and let me know what happens, if you want to do so.

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by Cynthia on Sep 18, 2006 11:51 PM
Dawn
3 posts
Sep 23, 2006
9:59 AM
Cynthia,

Well, my girlfriend and I have split. I realized that I could not continue with her since she was choosing to cheat and I wasn't willing to be the other woman.
I think it was the best desision for us both.
We are going to try to remain friends.

Thank you for your advise. It helped me make a tough desision.

Dawn
Cynthia
98 posts
Sep 23, 2006
10:28 PM
Dawn,

Wow; that took alot of guts. Even if it's the right thing, breaking up involves a lot of losses. It's impressive that you were able to make that hard decision before the two of you lost your friendship too. How are you doing?

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by Cynthia on Sep 23, 2006 10:45 PM
Dawn
4 posts
Sep 24, 2006
10:35 AM
Cynthia,

I am doing pretty well considering the situation. It is dificult to remain friends with her as I often think about our relationship and where it used to be verses where it is now. I am trying to take some space from her.
She seems happy with this other person so I can only be happy for her as that is all I can wish for her in her life.

Thank You,
Dawn
Cynthia
100 posts
Sep 27, 2006
1:24 AM
Dawn,

I'm glad to hear you're coping, and even thriving, considering. It's not easy to wish the best for your love and her new other love, and you're able to do it! I imagine sometimes it'll be more painful than others, and you'll miss her and feel sad sometimes, and feel really hurt and angry sometimes, along with feeling connected to her and other feelings as well. This is all just normal grieving that losing someone important brings. I hope you keep in touch, if you want support through this.

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by Cynthia on Sep 27, 2006 1:27 AM
Dawn
5 posts
Oct 14, 2006
3:18 PM
I ended up getting together with her again and in a few days her "new girlfriend" and I got into a fight. I was out with my girlfriend at a bar and the other girl came in. I didn't know that my girlfriend was seeing the other woman at the same time AGAIN. She had told me they broken up so she could be with me.
The girl walked in saw us dancing and said what the F*** is going on I told her to back off and leave. I supose that is what made her mad because she hit me in the jaw. I ended up wresling with her on the ground and then we were broke up by security.
My "girlfriend" and I haven't spoken since then. Its been about a week and I don't plan on hooking back up with her. The hardest part is that I got lyed to again. I don't deserve anyone. I don't think I can trust another women. Not all women are the same,but this one is sure blowing it for the rest.
Dawn

Last Edited by Dawn on Oct 14, 2006 3:18 PM
Cynthia
104 posts
Oct 17, 2006
12:21 AM
Dawn,

Why do you say "I don't deserve anyone?" Being lied to can really do damage to anyone's trust. It makes sense you don't trust her, and for awhile your trust in any potential girlfriends might be shattered. Some day, I hope you find a way to be open to trustworthy women.

Warmly,

Cynthia

Last Edited by Cynthia on Oct 17, 2006 12:22 AM
Dawn
6 posts
Oct 21, 2006
2:15 PM
Cynthia,

I supose I said that out of hurt and feeling not lovable. I believe for now I should take a break from relationship and get my head back in check.
I hope that I can find a way to be open again to.

Thank you
Dawn
Cynthia
109 posts
Oct 23, 2006
11:24 PM
Dawn,

Of course you deserve to be loved, but you may also be right, that there is healing you need to do before trying again with a lover/partner. In the mean time, I hope you get as much love as you can from friends, family, therapy, where ever it is for you!

Yours,

Cynthia
rebecca
1 post
Jan 21, 2007
1:54 PM
It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't deserve you at all. I would be so hurt to find out someone had been cheating that long. What possible defense could there be for treating you so badly. Cut your losses and look forward to the mate who will answer your dreams. I would think about what that fantasy would look like as a type of person - caring, etc.


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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