Hi Cynthia..first of all i just wanted to let you know that im so greatfull to see that theres someone out there, willing to help, it just doesnt seem like there is anymore. Thanks!
Well here goes... I used to get straight A's, was the PERFECT student all the teachers loved me and bragged about having me in their classes and such..My parents divorced and shortly after that my Grandma died..and ever since then my grades have dropped (even tho im taking advanced classes) I no that if i were really my self i would PUSH myself to still get good grades, but the drive just isnt there anymore, and I just dont care...i constantly get yelled at by my parents for my grades, which DOES NOT HELP AT ALL, telling me that Im never going to get into a 4 year college with the way my life is going...I try to tell them that i feel dumb and useless, and like if i were dead everything would be better...but the words just wont come out and my parents just tell me that Im being a baby and I should grow up..they just dont get it! My mom constantly threatens me about taking all my stuff away( i play tennis, bball, and softball) and i finally had the courage enuff to tell her that if she took those things away I didnt think that i would have anything to live for anymore. She even found me with 2 medicine bottles tonight with all the pills out in my hands and i KNOW that i wouldnt have done it, and i feel like I WANTED them to catch me i mean i left the door open and everything...and all my mom had to say to me was that i was EXTREMELY STUPID for even considering to do something like that. She constantly reminds me of how inadequate i am, she finds EVERYTHING u could think of to get me in trouble so i just sleep and do nothing in my room all day, and go to practice. I just cant take it anymore, i feel as if im putting on an act at school and i feel like my friends feel sorry for me, because im always the last one to get picked up cuz my mom constantly forgets about me...i just dont no wat to do anymore..i used to write REALLY SAPPY poems about my parents divorce and how i miss the good ol' days..but that happened 6 yrs. ago, shouldnt i be over that by now? but im not i even have nights were ill just sit on my bed and CRY MY EYES OUT and listen to sad songs all night long...I SWEAR SPORTS ARE MY GET AWAY and shes slowly taking them away...i dont know what i will do without them. How can i voice these feelings to her? she never listens to me...
I know your busy and probably get A TON of letters from people but if you could get back to me that would really be great Thanks again... Sam (Samantha)
Oh, Sam; your post breaks my heart! Thank you for reaching out; I'm sorry I didn't read it until now. You sound like a wonderful person, and I wish your parents could see that, or express it to you, if they do see it. EVERYONE needs their parents to enjoy them, admire their strengths, have compassion for their vulnerabilities, and never, ever see them as inadequate, a failure, a disappointment etc. Having your parents talk to you or treat you in any way that leads you to believe you are not cherished by them is plenty to make you, or anyone depressed. Depression causes people to lose motivation, energy, caring, enjoyment, hope--just what you are experiencing.
In addition to that reason for feeling depressed, you may also not be resolved in your grief about your parents' divorce and/or your grandmother's death, or there may be other factors as well. But the reason people don't resolve their feelings about a loss is because they don't get the caring and compassion they need, and the opportunity to express their sadness and anger about the loss to someone who understands, all of which is necessary to heal from losses like these.
I don't know your parents, but I can brainstorm about why they might be treating you the hurtful way they are. None of the reasons has to do with your being bad or unlovable or not good enough. The main reason parents treat their children with criticism is because their parents did it to them. Your parents may love you tons, and think they are showing it. They may think that criticizing you will get you to do what they think you need to do in order to survive and thrive in the world. Teaching you how to thrive in the world is their job as parents, and they may think that's exactly what they're doing.
However, they are not seeing that in order to thrive, you need much more than good grades and discipline. You need self-esteem, you need to believe you are loved and lovable just for who you are, not for what you can do. You need to know how to handle feelings, like sadness, and anger, along with dozens of others. If your parents tell you to grow up rather than notice your sadness, and ask about it tenderly, and compassionately, and listen carefully to what you are saying, so they can see the world through your eyes, then they are not doing their job to prepare you for the adult world. Without this emotional element in their parenting, you are trying to do school with your arms handcuffed--it is 100 times harder.
They may even be shocked if someone said they were hurting you with criticism, and causing you to think they don't love you because you are not good enough to be loved. They may think they are communicating love and caring to you. Or they may think that if they communicate love and caring, it will sabotage your achievements, which is very wrong, as you can see from what's happening.
Parents also treat their children hurtfully when they are in a great deal of emotional pain or stress themselves. This obviously isn't about the kids or their lovability. It's about the parents' own problems, but when they take it out on their kids, the kids naturally assume it's about them.
Sometimes parents treat their children hurtfully because they get pleasure from it. This is rare, and still has the same origin in most cases--parents that treated them that way. I would not guess this is the case for your parents, but obviously I don't know.
A specific example of their parenting you like they were parented is their calling you a baby, and telling you to grow up. That is a very cruel thing to say, especially to someone who is at the age where you are desperately trying to do just that, but are in-process, and shouldn't be expected to be there yet. I would put money on my guess that either their parents told them essentially the same thing, or your parents worked so hard to be adult-like when they were still kids, that they can't bear the thought of your being anything but adult-like.
Please, think right now about evidence that you are good and lovable. Do your friends care about you? Do they see who you are, and appreciate it? How about your teammates? Are you kind to animals? Are you kind to children? Have you volunteered your time to help with something, just because someone needed it?
It would be great if you could talk to an adult who understands how destructive criticism is, and how important expressing your feelings is. Someone who will listen and help you sort through it all. Do you have a school counselor, or someone at your church, or someone at a teen center, or a counselor at your local family and children’s services agency? In many cases teens can see a counselor without their parents even knowing. Or perhaps an aunt, or relative who would get it, or family friend? Best of all would be a counselor who is great with families--to help you with your feelings, and needs, and thoughts, and then to help your parents parent you more constructively.
There may be a way to talk to your parents, to get them to understand. I don't know enough to know what that is, if there is a way with them, but I can give you some ideas. Maybe you will see a way from these ideas. What if you make a deal with your parents--you'll do something they want, if they do something you want. These somethings may be study more if they let you see a counselor, and/or keep playing on your teams. Think about what the somethings could be for you.
Or what if you suggest you and one or both of your parents spend a period of time--maybe an hour--alone together with certain rules. The rules are (for example): Each person gets to talk until they are done, or for a specified time about what concerns them in the family. During this time, the other person should not be thinking about a rebuttal--should only be trying to understand as deeply as possible what the other is saying, and can only interrupt to check to see if they are understanding correctly, or to ask a clarifying question to help them understand correctly. At the end of one person's turn, the other gets a turn for the same thing--to discuss their concerns, not to rebut the first person's concerns. Would anything like this work in your family?
Or, you could try asking for some quiet time alone with one of them, and in that time, start with empathizing with them--like: "Mom, I know you're really worried about me, because you think I'm making bad choices, and ruining my chances for leading a successful life. I understand that you feel scared for me and think you have to intervene so I will start making better choices...." Something like that. If you get it right, or close, they may relax a bit, or they may start to attack you--so you may want to request they just listen until you're done, and get their agreement, so when they interrupt, you can remind them of their agreement. If they relax, or they are listening, you can tell them you are concerned too, and you want to change things, but you need their help. Then ask for what you need. Try to make it simple, reasonable, non-blaming, and clear, and try to tie what you are asking for to what they want from you, so they can see how giving you what you ask for will get them what they want.
You might also try, though this may be too hard, translating their critical comments into a feeling their having. For example, when you mother says you're stupid for thinking about killing yourself; it would be a reasonable guess that she's scared she's going to lose you, and feels helpless to stop you from self-destructing. It would be much more constructive if she could say it this way, but if you can try to find the feeling behind what your parents say that hurts you, sometimes that can help you not believe what she's saying is actually true. Obviously you are not stupid, and you and your parents know that, so why would she say it? All I can think of is she feels scared and helpless, and thinks criticism is parenting. Part of parenting is to protect, so she probably is trying to protect you with the style of parenting she knows--criticism. Does this make sense? Ok, so I've made a lot of guesses, and told you some of what I know in general, so I don't know how much applies to you and your family, but you know more about that. Please keep me posted on what happens, will you? I will be looking for it.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Feb 13, 2006 11:02 PM
Dear Cynthia, THANKS A TON for all of the wonderful advice! As you said that my mom might be overprotective, she DEFINETLY is! And when she was a kid she was aloud to do pretty much anything she wanted..so maybe she doesnt want me to be making the same mistakes she did? But she knows i have a good head on my shoulders, therefore i dont know whats going on in her head.
At school i am a totally different person than i am at home. At school i know everybody and get along with everyone! Teachers always love me and I help others who are stuggling. I also counsel other kids. Im a very loving person, and everyone says how i light up a room when i walk in, with my bright smiles and such(im always smiling). but at home im the complete opposite..always yelling (thats how we communicate in my house..i HATE IT) and always arguing..its like im living a double life, it frustrates me. My mom asks me why it is that im the perfect kid at school and different at home..the truth is i dont know why..i just enjoy it more(being at school). I think thats also why i do so many sports, is so im away from my family..is that normal? Well my moms parenting skills havent gotten better but i think shes trying, i tell her everything, but i just cant tell her how i feel about other things like that suicide attempt, even tho i just did it to get their attention, which i think was kindof dumb, but that was the only thing i could think of to show them how i was feeling..but things are getting better
I think since i listen to other peoples problems SO often and i never get my own out that it just builds up inside or something. Looking forward to talking to you again..thanks so much!! I will definetly try out some of your ideas
Thanks for letting me know how you're doing; I'm so glad you're feeling a little better! You sound like you have so much to contribute to the world, and are already an asset to many people. For many, many people, 13-17 turn out to be the hardest and most painful time of their lives. So hopefully, the worst will soon be over, and the rest of your life will be easier and more rewarding.
Yes, it is totally normal for you to want to be away from home as much as possible. It would be normal even without your particular circumstances, because at your age you're trying to figure out who you are separate from your parents, and to do that, you need to be away from them alot. It's even more normal for you, because you don't like the yelling at home--you don't like how you are, or how they are, so why wouldn't you want to be elsewhere?
People who others find easy to talk to about their problems have to pay careful attention to being sure they don't neglect their own needs. This is a very important challenge for therapists, for example. So if you are going to be everybody's therapist, you will have to learn "self-care" skills, like all of us therapists have to do. We can give and give, but if we only think about others' needs, and never our own, we get burned out and can't give anymore--this is why you feel like your feelings store up until they have to burst out. Please find people who will listen to you frequently, and give you what you give others.
Sometimes when kids are allowed to do whatever they want, they are actually being neglected. Your Mom may hold you on a short rope so you don't have to figure how to care for yourself without the benefit of adult input, like she had to. Or she may have missed the closeness of parents' attention, and want that with you. Or you may very well be right that she made choices without enough adult supervision, and they turned out badly, and she wants to protect you from that.
Feel free to write back if and when you want. I'm cheering for you!!
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Feb 20, 2006 11:43 PM
Thanks Cynthia! You truly are a great person! i feel so much better! and i have found a couple of people that i can talk to and are under similar circumstances at their own homes. I asked my mom the other day if she wanted to just go and hang out and do whatever, she actually said that would be cool and we went shopping! It was a small trip and though we fought a little bit I felt a lot better after we shared some time together. I stil havent mastered that communication yet, since i havent told her how much it meant to me that she went with me. But I have a feeling she knows, whether it be consciently or subconsciently (sp?). My grades have improved and I have been studying HARD and being more involved, I think i jsut needed someone to talk to i guess! Thanks for being there! YOU're AWESOME!! Sincerely, Sam
You're awesome too! Thanks for letting me know how you're doing; it sounds like you're really working at improving how your life feels, and being very successful. Your parents have tons to be proud of in you.
Please feel free to write back anytime you need to talk, or have a question. Life always has ups and downs, and we all need support. I'm here.
