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Dear Cynthia... > not enough sex
not enough sex
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Denise86
1 post
Jul 05, 2005
9:02 PM
Dear Cynthia,
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 toddler boys ages 2 and 3. I am a teacher with the summer off. My husband is a farmer. I have discovered this summer that I could never be a stay at home mom. I take my hat off to these women who have the financial stability and the patience to do this day after day. When I'm at work, I want to be home. When at home with the boys, it is an unending list of day to day chores which never get all done due to entertaining the boys. At night I'm tired and irritated that my husband, who works very hard and long hours, can come home from a day where he does the work that is needed without interuptions from the two boys. I crawl in bed and he wants sex. Ugh. Sex has become a chore on the list--one that never gets done.
Soon after we were married, I realized we were having sex endlessly. I felt it was too much. Why couldn't we stay up and talk or cuddle? I got this notion in my head and now we may have sex once a month. He gets tired of trying and I am embarrassed to ask for it. How do I get my body and mind back in tune to the idea of having sex once or twice a week is good??
I feel like I'm using 2 topics: depression and sex. I'm depressed from being home with the boys and getting little done and feel like I should be satisfying myself and husband more sexually.
Thank you for listening,
Denise86
Cynthia
17 posts
Jul 06, 2005
12:48 AM
Denise86,

The sexual part of a relationship is very complicated--usually as complicated as the whole relationship. A couple's sexual relationship usually is a miniature version of the whole relationship. So any issues the couple has play out in their sexual relationship. This can be helpful information, because working on the sexual relationship will lead you to deal with the issues challenging your relationship. Usually sex gets tied up with feelings of resentment, hurt, rejection, abandonment, and other vulnerable feelings. People have a hard time untangling years of accumulated feelings and reactions to feelings that lead to patterns of thinking and behavior that couples repeat again and again.

Seeing a marriage counselor can be very helpful with this. I would recommend looking for a marriage counselor who has had extensive specialized training in couples counseling, and I particularly like the "imago" training which comes from the author of the book, Getting the Love You Want (see the book page on this site). I also find Gottman's material very helpful (also listed in the book section).

Getting men to go to marriage counseling can be difficult (or in some cases impossible). If you think you'll have trouble, try to strategize what motivates him, and connect it to the counseling. For ex, you may want to say you want to go see someone who can help the two of you connect better so you can have sex more often. If you can't get him to go no matter what, then get your own counseling--that will affect the marriage too.

Now, I want to address the other part of your question. It sounds like you feel guilty for having the summer "off" from work, while your husband works so hard. This guilt then leads you to think you have to do everything you can imagine a fulltime Mom (for the Summer) "should" do. Unfortunately, our imaginations far outpace our capacity for putting into action. So when we expect our actions to live up to our imaginations, we set ourselves up for failure constantly. Feeling both guilty and ashamed of failing saps what inner resources we have, and we have less to offer, and it's a vicious cycle.

It's important to know that the truth is, for most of us, no matter how much we love our kids, and even enjoy them some of the time, hanging out with toddlers is extremely depleting. It's boring, exhausting, and extremely demanding emotionally, mentally, and physically. To be available for sex, for mothering, and even for yourself enough to feel joyful, you have to put effort into frequently recharging yourself. This means finding ways to catch up on sleep, finding time to be responsible only for yourself, getting exercise, spending time talking to people you can confide in, spending time alone with your husband, and doing whatever gives you joy and energy--something creative, maybe. Any of this may sound impossible, but it is so important. Obviously you can't do any of these things nearly to the extent you could before children. But if you don't find ways to incorporate enough of this into your life, you could get much more depressed, and be unable to care for your children at all.

I know how hard it is to give yourself this when you already feel guilty that your husband is working so hard, and you already feel like you're not being a good enough mother, but please know that all mothers need to do this. Mothering doesn't lend itself easily to balance--as you said, it seems like either you're overwhelmed with the demands of it, or you miss your kids. You must feed yourself emotionally to have anything to give your kids or your husband. Like on airplanes, when the flight attendant says that if the oxygen masks come out, put it on your face first, and then on your child. If you follow your natural inclination to put it on your child first, you could pass out and be of no further help to your child who needs you so badly. Can you think of any way you can feed yourself more emotionally?

Cynthia

Last Edited by Cynthia on Jul 06, 2005 12:49 AM


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30+ years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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