31 Mar 2008
I just read my last entry and noticed I spelled Ricky "Ricki." I don't want to over-analyze, but I wonder if I did that because I wish he were a woman. That's a horrible thought--I mean, I don't want to be unhappy with him, because he's so wonderful, and so what if he's not a woman. Sure I miss touching breasts and pussy, and being with someone who gets what it is to be a woman, but he's really sweet, and sensitive, and emotional, and nurturing--he's just so woman-like, and I don't want to lose him. It would be just like me to fuck up a good thing again.
I talked to my therapist about meds, and she told me pros and cons of taking them or not taking them, and asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about it. Something she said made alot of sense, which was that it's taking every ounce of energy I have just to make it through each day, and if the meds worked, I'd free up energy to deal with my life and my problems, rather than just surviving. I'm not ready to do it yet though; I want to see if I can get through this on my own for longer first. I mean I feel like shit, but I am still doing my life mostly--at least the minimum.
I ran into Plern at the Berkeley Bowl yesterday! It was fun to see her. She was sniffing a melon (everybody sniffs stuff at the BB--it's a strange culture), and I just walked up to her and said, "Hi Plern." She gave me a hug, and we talked a little. I told her I was having a hard time right now, and I didn't even know why. She was sympathetic--said she'd been there too. She asked me if I was still working at the ice cream store, and then she offered me a job! She's got alot of work and needs an assistant. She said she'd pay me $20/hr, which is alot more than the ice cream store, and I think it would be fun. I have to think about it, though, because right now making decisions and starting something new feels totally overwhelming.