25 Mar 2008
I've just been walking around in a haze for the past couple weeks--numb, spacy. I can't concentrate, can't remember anything, can't feel good or really bad either--just nothing. Even food doesn't make me feel anything--nothing tastes good, and I don't feel like eating. Everybody's all worried about me, which I guess is good, but it makes me feel pressure to be normal & I'm tempted just to try to act normal so everyone can relax, but I just can't even imitate myself. That is so weird. I feel so far from normal that I can't even act like myself. I don't even remember what that felt like--to be me normally. I go to work, but I can't smile. I want to smile at the customers--they're usually so happy--they're getting ice cream--oh boy! I tell my mouth to turn up, but it just can't. I feel like I'm locked inside a metal suit that covers me and everyone sees this grumpy, frozen, cold thing, and I'm inside, but I can't see me either. I have a test tomorrow--have to study, but can't imagine being able to take in any information. I wonder if my therapist is going to tell me I need medication. Everyone else I know is taking something, maybe it's my turn. I wonder what it feels like to take anti-depressants. Would I feel like my normal self? Would I feel so good I'll find out I never did feel normal--that other people experienced life with so much more joy than I ever did that I've basically missed out on life? Would they give me my life for the first time? With my luck, they'd probably just give me side effects and I'd still feel like shit. I'm scared to take them anyway. I don't want to need pills for the rest of my life. And what if they make me be someone I'm not--is that a good thing, or should I fight to be me? Would they just make me numb--not feel bad but not good either? I'm numb now, but it still feels like Hell. I have to go stare at my books. I sure hope the barracuda doesn't call--I don't know what I'd say to her. Ricki's fielded calls from her a few times, and she's so thrilled I'm seeing a man, she just talks to him and flirts with him and forgets she called for me. Yech--it's disgusting to think about--I feel sick.