15 Nov 2007
I really hate to admit it, even in my private journal, but I searched for my therapist's home address and found it. I feel really guilty and scared, but I'm dying to go see where she lives. I probably just shouldn't, but I probably will anyway. I'm just wrestling with myself. I started seeing he twice a week, but it still doesn't seem like enough. I just think I need to know where she is--to have a way to feel like she's there for me in between sessions. I don't want to bug her though. So driving by her house (if she never found out) would be a way to get that good feeling I get when I'm with her without bugging her.
I know if I weren't thinking about this, I'd be thinking about how lonely I am, or what a freak I am, or how no one loves me, or even about how I should be doing my homework. I really like my class, but I just can't concentrate to read anything. Everytime I try, I just end up reading the same sentence over and over and it just won't go into my head. I'm getting my cast off tomorrow--that's the only good news I can think of. I wish I could be saying this to someone so they could stop me from going to spy on my therapist--well not really spy--I just want to see where it is, and maybe drive by a little slower than normal. But my journal isn't going to stop me, and I'm no fucking good at stopping myself from doing anything bad for me. I'm so fucking weak--no wonder no one loves me!