29 Mar 2007
Talked to my therapist tonight about everything that's happened. I realized talking to her how I was hella scared and hella sad about Rochelle, and was sort of too busy taking care of her to even really feel it. I've been sorta numb, walking around like a zombie or something--working and visiting R and not doing anything else. I also realized it's not even just all the shock about R being in the ER and all, or the sadness of her almost dying, or of the whole terrible addiction thing. That would be plenty, but it's also all the sadness of my Dad not being there for me because alcohol was always more important, and the shocks I got with him, like finding him passed out on the bathroom floor with puke all over him, and shit like that.
My therapist tried to convince me I should get enough sleep, and remember to eat, and spend time with Plern and take care of myself and my needs. I told her I couldn't see how I could just like sit around and do my nails when someone I care so much about is in trouble and almost died and needs me! She said I won't be any help to Rochelle if I'm so exhausted, or my life is so neglected that I'm barely functioning, because at that point I will have nothing left to give. I do feel really bad that I'm not here for Penny more--she needs me too, and she's so little and young, and playful, and I hate to think of her being here bored and lonely without me. My therapist still thinks Al-Anon would help me, but I don't see where I'd get the time to do one more thing right now.
I gotta sleep--have to work tomorrow. It's weird being at work without Rochelle. It's even weirder that I think that's weird, since a month ago I couldn't stand her being there. Now it feels really empty without her. It's also weird what's happening with Janet. I don't hate her anymore. I see that she really, really loves R, and is really there for her--she's not just some skank or something. I keep expecting her to go like "Dude, what the hell are you doing here? She's my girlfriend! Take your ass to some other stalker victim and leave us alone!" But she never does. In fact she seems to really need my support, and respect what I have to offer. That's a really, really weird feeling. I don't even know what feeling, but it's really really weird. I gotta sleep.