15 Mar 2007
Saw my therapist again last night and told her all about Rochelle and all--I really told her stuff I was afraid to tell her before. I figured if she's going to help me, she probably needed to know the truth--the whole truth. She was amazing--she didn't judge me about any of it--driving past R's house, not telling Plern I do that, calling the bitch the bitch all the time, wanting R back, being really scared she's going to die from tweeking--everything. She just understood from my perspective, and had such a sweet look on her face--like she really cared, and felt kinda sad that it was all so hard for me. It's so amazing to have a Mom-like person be nice all the time--like I'm beginning to see I can count on her being nice--she's probably not goign to all of a sudden turn on me and attack me--like the barracuda does, and doesn't even know she's doing it! I'm like a charred flake of ash from the fire she breathed on me and she's like "no one's going to love you if you're sad all the time--smile--it makes you prettier!" That's the barracuda for you.
So my therapist didn't think I was just a clingy, needy little wimpy dork--she just said every kid has more or less the same basic needs, and my parents didn't give me what I needed, so I still need all that stuff. That's why I'm trying to get it from anyone I think might be able to give it to me. Like it's normal or something to obsess about some woman all the time, or something, if you had a Mom like the barracuda. I didn't even mind crying like a baby after she said that. She wasn't even worried that I was a stalker or anything--even after I told her about the drive-bys. It's weird, it's like she trusts me to do the right thing--like she really does! The barracuda checks up on me and doubts me on everything--god, what a relief it is to be trusted. It made me feel more adult and more trustworthy, and more competent for a minute or two than I ever have before!
So she thinks, I should just talk to R myself, and tell her my "observations" and "concerns." But she thinks it's very unlikely that R will admit she's got a problem, or get help. I told her I don't care, though, I have to try. She understood. Then we talked more about my Dad, and how he was always letting me down--like not coming to stuff I did at school, even though he said he would. Then he'd stumble home from the bar long after I got home and went to bed, and he'd like kneel on the floor next to my bed and cry and say he was sorry he didn't make it to my thing. I felt so sorry for him. I think he never came because he didn't want to sit next to the barracuda. I wouldn't of come either if I'd had to sit next to her.
So I'm going to ask Rochelle if we can talk tomorrow.