23 Feb 2007
I am such a total, freakin geek! I saw the girl of my dreams at the bar tonight! There she was--like a miracle--she just appeared there right on the other side of the dance floor, with her gorgeous hair and eyes, and butt. Of course I didn't have the guts to ask her to dance, so I kept trying to think of ways to meet her all night. I couldn't think of what to say, and even if I could, it was so loud, I'd have to go up to her ear and scream it to her. I couldn't think of anything so interesting that she'd be happy to have a stranger yell it in her ear. Plus I'd obviously only have one sentence or less to intrigue her--I couldn't like just go on and on screaming, especially while she was dancing.
So then I devised a plan. I'd watch until she went to the rest room and then follow her and pretend I had to pee. Then I could talk to her in line, or in the bathroom, or whatever. Boy can that girl hold her drinks--it was a couple hours before she went, and I had to go really badly, but wanted to wait for her. So finally, she went, and I followed her, and we both waited in a line. I smiled at her, and she smiled at me. I tried desperately to think of something to say, but everything sounded so stupid to me. "You are so beautiful," "do you come here often," "how do you like the music," "can I have your baby," "those are cool shoes," "you're a great dancer...." They could have been ok, but then I didn't know what to say after that. She was next in line so I had to do something. So I finally blurted out, "I like your earrings!" She looked at me without saying anything, and so I had to say something else. "I hate these lines, don't you?" GEEK. She nodded, but still didn't say anything. My mind was racing..."I'd like to touch your butt" (no, don't say that!) "Let's play tennis sometime" (But I dont' play tennis!) "Do you have a girlfriend?" (Too soon to ask!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just as she was going into the stall I finally said, "Hey, watch out for pee on the seat!" She looked at me again and proceeded into the stall.
I ran out of the bathroom, out of the bar, and ran half way home crying. What the fuck do I know about talking to a girl!?? Obviously nothing. I wonder if my therapist could teach me. If she's straight she might teach me the wrong thing, though. Oh well, any help I can get has to be better than me on my own. Now I've lost my chance with the girl of my dreams, and I'll probably never get another one. Which would be good, because I'd just fuck that one up too, and I'm already totally embarrassed.
When I got home I got online right away and started chatting with Gigi. I told her my whole pathetic story. She made me feel better, because she told me about how she met her husband, and she was pretty geeky about it too. Somehow they ended up together anyway, so maybe there's hope. Anyway, tomorrow I have my date with Plern. I don't even know if I like her, so maybe I can relax more and sort of practice on her. My friends like me, so I just have to be with her the way I am with my friends, but a little flirty too. I wonder if my therapist can teach me how to flirt. Or maybe Plern can. Maybe I'll watch her and imitate her, and learn that way. No, then everyone will say, "why are you acting like Plern?" At least with my therapist, nobody knows her, so no one can say I'm acting like her. I wonder if my therapist has a gf or a bf, or a husband or something. God, I hope she's not like alone and lonely and pathetic like me! How's she goign to help me if she's as bad as me. No, she's really cool. She's got to be with someone. I wish I could know more about her and who she's with.