21 Feb 2007
Went to therapy again last night. I talked all about wanting a girlfriend. So there's the girl of my dreams, but I don't know who she is or how to find her. There's Gigi, but she lives far away and thinks she's straight. There's Rochelle, who's not showing any sign of coming back tome. And then there's Plern. Hmmmmm. I wanted to ask my therapist if she could tell why I don't have a girlfriend--like if she sees something about me that repels women. I don't know if she's straight or queer--I wonder if that would make a difference in how she sees me. I wish I could ask her, but that's probably not what I'm supposed to do. I looked for signs. She's got no wedding ring, but has a second hole in one ear with a diamond stud she always wears. She dresses kind of dressy-casual, but never wears dresses. She seems to know about queer culture, but she could just have alot of queer clients. She has short fingernails, but she could bite them, or play the guitar or something. I think she's queer. I'll have to think of a question to test her without her knowing. I wonder why therapists don't just tell you already.
So my therapist thinks it would be helpful for me to pay attention to what goes on inside me when I don't have a girlfriend. She thinks that might lead to my healing whatever it is that keeps me from hooking up successfully. Basically what goes on inside me is I feel like shit! I feel really lonely and bored and restless, and have to eat alot of sugar or party too much. I have to drag myself around to go to work and do whatever I have to do. When I have a girlfriend, everything is easier. Well, I don't get much more done, because I'm spending all my time with the gf, but I'm happy, so I could do that stuff if I wanted to. Anyway, I don't see what's so healing about feeling like shit. I'm going to call Plern.
Rochelle's back to work, and she really does look different. Her nose is still healing, but I can tell it doesn't look Italian anymore. I mean she looks Italian, but her nose doesn't. It actually is kind of a beautiful nose. It just doesn't quite look like it belongs on Rochelle. Anyway, I'm glad she lived through it. God, I wish I could kiss her.