9 Jul 2009
Well, it finally happened. She outlived all the predictions, and it was starting to seem like she was going to be some kind of miracle, because she seemed pretty fine until just a few days ago. Then Ricky and one of her friends started talking to her about letting go. They told her she was done with her body and she could be free if she let go of it. The weirdest thing is she died on her birthday! Maybe she was waiting for that?? Can people actually do that? Just decide when their cancer is going to kill them exactly? Everybody wished her a happy birthday, and told her she'd done such a good job making it to that day, and now everybody was going to be okay if she was ready to go. Within hours, she was dead.
Ricky came back home afterward; his Dad kind of shooed him away. I don't know if Rick would have been better off staying or coming home, but he's a total wreck. He just keeps crying and talking about her, which is fine with me--I can hold him a listen for a long time. But he's also angry when he's not crying, and sees everyone as letting him down, even though we're all trying to be there for him--it never seems to be enough. It's so unlike Ricky to act like everyone owes him more than they can possibly even give, and then he's critical and resentful about what they don't give, or how they give it. I talked to Steve at work about it, and he said it's inevitable in a situation like this that people see the people around them as inadequately meeting their needs. It's part of the stress of such a huge loss. I'm so glad he told me that cuz I had no idea, and I feel so hurt and frustrated and depleted trying to be there for him, and then he tells me he doesn't want me to be hurt or frustrated or depleted, but he wants me to give everything I've been giving and more. That seems so unreasonable and unfair! I've missed lots of work, and I'm trying to support myself now, and not making that much money, and I've missed things that might help me recharge--friends and social stuff and fun activities and all. For months my focus has been on giving to him and sacrificing everywhere else in my life and my being!
I don't know, maybe I just don't know how to love well enough. Maybe a better person could sacrifice so much and be perfectly fine about it and have lots more to give. He seems to think so, anyway. Though he does seem to have the same resentment about other people too. I'm just the biggest, because I'm the gf. Shit this is hard! If only he could just be his usual self, but really really sad. But I'm glad Steve told me this happens, so I can believe the Ricky I love will be back some day.
Everybody keeps telling me I have to take better care of myself--I can't just take care of Ricky and everyone else all the time. Even the Barracuda said it! Of course my therapist said it. She didn't make it sound like I was fucking up or anything--she understood how much I wanted to be there for Ricky, but she was all soft and nurturing and stuff about reminding me I have needs I have to meet to be a caretaker to anyone else--especially Ricky being in such huge pain. I feel sorry for him because I think how he's acting is a meter for how much pain he's in, and I can tell, it's almost too much for him to bear. I just hope his anger and criticism and my hurt and resentment doesn't crush the relationship. Maybe I should find a support group for gfs of people who lost someone.