30 May 2009
Boy, no kidding "I didn't get into this field by accident!" Rochelle's doing really well. She actually really talks to me, like I am somebody. She never had that much respect for me when we were together. But then, I was almost a whole different person then. I like watching her get stronger and more honest and more healed. It makes me feel love for her again.
But the freaky thing is that there's this man there who's an alcoholic, and something about him reminds me of my father. I like him, but he gives me the creeps. My therapist has mentioned several times that I never talk about my father, and what it was like to grow up with him. I talk alot about the barracuda. I guess it must mean something that I do that, but I don't know what. Did I get into this field because my father's an alcoholic?
Anyway, I had this horrible nightmare about this guy--Tony. He was drunk and he broke into my apartment and tried to get in bed with me. He reeked of alcohol, and he tried to kiss my cheek and his face was all scratchy-stubbley. I felt nauseous all of a sudden and thought I was going to throw up, and instead I woke up with my heart pounding and my hands clammy and sweating all over. My therapist called it a nighttime panic attack. I never knew there was a term for that. So I've been avoiding Tony, and my therapist has been asking me what creeps me out and what reminds me of my father about him. I keep thinking about it, but other than the obvious alcohol connection, I don't know. I hate when my therapist asks me a question I can't answer. She always tells me she doesn't expect me to be able to answer some of her questions, but she thinks asking them, and my thinking about them will often eventually lead to information. I always think it means I'm being a bad client, but truthfully she never seems disappointed in me or anything; she just seems curious and interested and concerned.