15 Apr 2009
Wow--I feel really different than last time I wrote. Something finally clicked. I've been taking care of Ricky, who's been a wreck because of his Mom, and sometimes taking care of her too. I'm finishing my chemical dependency certification in June--I can't believe I've been working toward this for 2 yrs and now it's finally almost here! I'm working more for Plern, getting the trannies dressed, and making more money, so I can pay for rent and therapy myself. I negotiated a fee that's a little lower, so I could afford it myself. My therapist has been pointing out that I never thought I could take care of myself--that I needed the Baracuda and my therapist and a gf/bf to take care of me, and I'm now not only doing a decent job of that, but I'm actually taking care of other people! I'm taking care of Ricky, and the residents at the CD place I'm doing my internship, and Ricky's Mom, and Ricky's Dad a bit, and the trannies a bit, not to mention Penny, whom I've been taking care of all along! It makes me feel so much more sort of real or something, grounded, freer kind of.
The weirdest thing, but I think it's good, is that when I start to freak, I hear my therapist's voice in my head, saying stuff she says to me--or stuff she would say to me. I don't mean like I'm hearing voices, I guess I'm mostly remembering things she's said, or I know she would say. Like, maybe "I know it looks really hard, but you've gotten through 'really hard' before, and you can do this too." Or maybe, "If you let yourself feel and cry and talk about what's bothering you honestly, you will feel better." Or "You are lovable--you are the only one who doesn't realize it!" Or, " "Every decision involves a loss--whatever you don't choose, you lose. So don't look for the choice that prevents any loss, because it doesn't exist. We all have to endure losses every day. You have had losses all your life, and you've survived them, and you'll continue to survive lots more losses. But there are also so many gains!" and stuff like that. Sometimes, it's even just "you are a giving, loving person" or something, when I'm holding Ricky and he's crying, or holding Ricky's Mom's straw or reading to her. I just never noticed these things before--I used to only notice the things I fucked up.