27 Dec 2008
Wow, has this been a hard month! It turns out the Barracuda is having alot of financial problems because nobody's buying houses, and all her tricks aren't working well enough, or fast enough. So she doesn't know how much or how long she can keep sending me money to live on and to pay for therapy. I don't have a clue how to make enough money myself to be able to live, and I certainly can't earn enough to go to therapy! For now, I'm going back to once a week in therapy, though I know going twice has made it much more intense and faster-moving. If this gets bad enough, I could even have to leave therapy and Berkeley and move in with my parents. I think I would end up killing myself if I had to do that for long, but I'm terrified I'm going to have to choose between that and being homeless. I keep trying to think of ways to get money, or earn money, or whatever. I'm soooooo scared! I really don't want to leave therapy--it feels like my lifeline right now.
I even started telling my therapist a little about how I feel about her, because she asked me what it means for me to see her once a week instead of twice. I told her I miss her terribly between sessions and I think about her all the time. I felt totally embarrassed, but she obviously didn't think it was weird or sick or anything, and so I cried and felt a little better. After we talked about it, it was weird, I actually felt like she stayed in my heart better between sessions. I mean I've always felt so empty between sessions before, but after we talked about my feelings, I felt less empty all week, and almost like I was still with her--like she was beside me or with me or something rather than a million miles away like I usually do between sessions.