Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!! I stayed at Ricki's last night (which we hardly ever do because my place is so much nicer) and I dropped an earring back, and went looking under the bed and found this box full of porn! I mean like barbie doll women with fingernail polish getting nailed in every possible way! I mean I don't have anything against sex--that's for sure. But Ricki getting turned on by those masogynist images of passive victim-y women!?! What have I been thinking?! He's the sweetest guy I ever met and he's still into objectifying women! WTF!!?? I don't want to lose this relationship--I can't imagine being without him--I get such comfort from him, but shit--I'm sleeping with the enemy! How do I know he's not capable of raping women? He came out of the bathroom and saw me with the magazines and I could tell he was trying to reassure me, but I couldn't hear a word he was saying--it was like I was inside a sound-proof bubble. I felt so weird and panicky, so I left the magazines and got up and left. I think he was pleading for me to stay, but I still couldn't hear him, and I couldn't say anything either. It was like I was a robot, marching out the door to my car, driving home, and locking the door behind me. Then it was like I woke up--the world came rushing back into my head. I've been sitting on my bed crying for a couple hours. I turned off my phone, so he can't reach me even if he tries. I finally forced myself to get up and write this...fuck, it's Saturday night soon and he was my date. What am I going to do? Maybe I should call my therapist. I don't want to bother her. What if she gets mad at me for calling. I'm going to call Plern. No, she'll just tell me I shouldn't be with a boy in the first place. I'll call Ryan from my chemical dependency class. No, he's a man--he'll just defend Ricky, probably. Shit, I feel like the only person on earth.