11 Apr 2008
So I decided to try out Plern's job, but keep my ice cream job, and I'm still going to school too. It's just about killing me, but it's also distracting me. Sometimes I forget how shitty I feel for awhile. Sometimes when I get to therapy, I feel like I've scaled a mountain, and then it's time to rest--like I can't believe I lived to return to therapy, but there I am. At those times, just hearing my therapist's voice, and being in that familiar office is comforting somehow. I hate when she tells me it's time to go, though. I always think, "oh, that's right, I'm paying her, and I only get 50 minutes." But she does give me so much during that 50 minutes, and it even lasts to some extent after I leave. I feel like I have a home base or something--like visiting my Mom, but not MY Mom--the Mom I never had--the one I was cheated out of and got the barracuda instead. Not that my therapist is really my Mom or anything. Moms don't throw you out after 50 minutes, for one thing, but somehow I feel like she's got her arms around me. I wonder if she would ever actually hug me. I think that would feel good. I have no idea if that's allowed, or how I would ask for it though--forgetaboutit.