Ok, this is an important piece. Think back to your childhood, and remember where you got the idea that being in control of your life meant deprivation? Write or paint or talk with someone about this message, and incidents and images from your childhood that taught it to you. You think you have two choices, either to be on top of everything in your life, but have no fun or relaxation, or to relax and play, and lose control of your life. If this describes you, but thinking, creating, talking, or writing about this doesn't change it, this is something EMDR can sometimes help. Call me and let's talk about doing some EMDR, or other psychotherapy to address these issues.