Now think about what you would say to your 25 yr old neice, if you were teaching her to do something you know how to do well.  Assume you would teach her in your most grown-up, most loving/caring and protective mode.  Specifically (think about this as realistically as you can--change the age if you like, and then write down your answers):

What would you say when she tried to do what you said?

What would you say when she made a mistake?

What would you say if she didn't practice one time she could have?

What would you say when she did it just the way you taught her?

What would you say if she were trying, but it was very hard for her, and she felt discouraged?

What would you hope you said when you felt frustrated with her progress?

Do you have all that answered and written down?  Ok, now if they are kind and compassionate and encouraging answers, practice them as often as you can on yourself--start with using them with each step you take toward your goal.

If you are counting your success by how much less than 100% of what someone else could do in their prime moment, you are sabotaging yourself.  By this scale, if you did 90% of your goal, it would count in your head as -10%.  If you, instead, count up from 0% of what your goal is--preferably a goal that is realistic for you, not someone else--then 90% is 90%--almost all the way to your goal.  If you also give yourself lots of encouragement along the way, you will end up doing a better job with much more sanity than you ever could with the -10% system.

You must practice this.  This way of thinking is like a new language.  You have practiced your way all day every day for most of your life.  To change it, you have to practice the new way.

Now for Step Four

Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT