Lots of people tell me they want to stop their "self-destructive" behavior. Sometimes this means an addiction, other times it means cutting or burning or hurting their bodies. Most of the time they mean a pattern of choices they regret, such as overeating, or getting involved in relationships with partners who hurt them or disappoint them. Sometimes people point to what appears to be self-sabotage, like starting school and dropping out repeatedly, or saying exactly the wrong thing in a social situation, or doing something they know will get them fired.
So how can we make sense of intentionally hurting ourselves? This seems counterintuitive--aren't we the living proof that our ancestors have valued self-preservation? Well, I don't eliminate the possibility that examples of truly self-destructive behavior exist, but I have to say, I haven't found one yet. What I find is that exploring what appears to be self-destructive behavior leads me to the intention behind it, and that intention is actually self-preservation. For example, cutting and burning ones skin looks self-destructive, but it can be lifesaving in relieving emotional pain intense enough to cause suicide without this relief. Inflicting physical pain (including hunger, anorexics know) releases endorphins--something our bodies ingeniously do when we are in pain, because endorphins reduce pain and provide some sense of euphoria to help us survive the pain. Also, hurting ones own body can offer a sense of being in control, when people feel otherwise disempowered. It can call needed attention to emotional pain that can be made visible when it is reflected in physical injury. Getting pain noticed can be an essential step in getting the help people need. Please don't take this as a recommendation to inflict pain on yourself. There are better ways, but the better ways may not be accessible to people who have not been parented well.
Sure, addictions cause self-harm, but that is usually not addicts' intention. Developing and feeding an addiction is an attempt to cope with emotional (or sometimes physical) pain. This often includes shyness and social anxiety, the pain of withdrawal from an addiction, the pain of trauma, abuse, losses, and shame. Addiction doesn't come as a result of trying to destroy oneself, even though it can and does do that; it comes as a result of having no better way of surviving something that otherwise feels unsurvivable. To a large extent, addiction becomes physiological and doesn't reflect the addict's intention--addiction cravings over-power intention.
How about a pattern of choices people come to regret? One common example is choosing addicted or abusive or abandoning partners. I believe we do this mostly out of an attempt to reconstruct and heal the painful elements of our childhood relationships. By finding someone who hurts us like our parents did, and figuring out how to get them to stop hurting us, we hope to heal what we couldn't heal when our parents didn't change and become the parents we needed them to be. For example, if we grow up with a parent who is always leaving in some way, we often choose a partner who is also abandoning. If we choose one who is less abandoning and/or able to become much less abandoning than our parent, it helps to heal this emotional wound caused by the abandoning parent. We will probably always tend to be attracted to people who trigger this abandonment memory, but if the abandonment is mild, and not harmful, we may no longer need to choose partners who hurt us like our parent did, or suffer from the wounds our parent left.
This potential for healing isn't so obvious when the chosen relationship turns out the same way our relationship with our parents did (the addict partners stay addicted, or the violent or abusive or abandoning partners stay that way--just like the parents did). But very often, people are able to choose partners who are somewhat similar to the chooser's parents, but not as extreme as their parents, and more able to grow to become even less like the hurtful parents. For some this works in the first relationship, and for others it takes many relationships and/or many years to get this to work. Whether or not it works, I believe people's intention in choosing hurtful partners is to try to resolve emotional wounds from important childhood relationships.
I guess I don't really believe in "self-destructive" behavior. It may exist, but most of the time when I encounter what people call self-destructive, I find it is an attempt to grow, heal or preserve but also unfortunately causes problems. Generally, "Self-destructive" implies an evil force inside oneself that is determined to destroy us, and therefore must be hated, conquered, amputated, or exiled. When I learn more about that force, I inevitably find that it's actually a part of the person trying in it's own way to protect or benefit the person. It is usually reminiscent of the person at a certain age, and the behaviors and thought process match the skills, resources and perspective of a child that age.
For example, if when you were 12, your parents were divorcing and acting unpredictable and out of control, you may have realized that bingeing and purging made you feel more in control of the chaos. If you'd been older, you could have dealt with the chaos by getting away from it, or talking to a good listener, or mediating the conflict. But as a 12 year old, your skills and freedoms were limited and you had to use what you had at hand to survive. Then you practiced it repeatedly, because you needed it, and it worked. So when you became an adult, and felt trapped in scary chaos, you would naturally use the skill you developed in childhood, because it worked in a similar situation. Do you see how this might look like self-destructive behavior, but actually be a young part of you inside doing her best to protect you?
I have lots more to say about the young parts inside us, but I will leave that for another day. In the mean time, ask yourself if you do anything you think is self-destructive. Then drill down into what it is about for you and see if you can find a positive intention, even if it is a child's view of how to achieve that intention. I'd love to know what you find. If you care to share it with the community, write in the forum:
http://www.womenspsychotherapy.com/board/board_topic/2026137/547048.htm
