Dear Cynthia... > Having a hard time overcoming childhood trauma.
Having a hard time overcoming childhood trauma.
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thisisme
1 post
Dec 03, 2014
11:29 AM
Dear Cynthia,

First, I'd like to thank you for this website. As an introvert myself (I think), this forum will be a big help for me.

I am a woman, 27 years old, from the far east.

When I was little, my father was a drunkard. He abuses my mom a lot and I can't tell the details here but I must say I had trauma because of everything I've witnessed as a child. Ou family fell apart because of alcohol.

Now, I have a boyfriend and we're together for almost 2 years already. Well it's been so long since I had a boyfriend. I just considered the previous ones "puppy love", those were back then in high school 10 years ago. The relationship I have now with my boyfriend is nothing like before. This is a very serious relationship and I've never ever imagined having this kind of relationship with a guy in my life.

I LOVE HIM DEARLY. And I want to be with him for the rest of my life. He does too. He sees his future with me and wants to marry me.

But I think there's something wrong with me. Not with him. He's a GREAT great guy. He's very mature and loving. He's the IDEAL man type of guy. One thing happened last month. He lied to me about something. Said he knows I will be upset when I knew about it. So he came up with a lie/excuse, told me he was working all night. Then I found out he was with this co-workers drinking cos one is celebrating his birthday.

I was disappointed and really hurt. And scared. First, he lied. Then the alcohol. He promised he'll stop drinking years ago. I understand that he didn't tell me cos he knows I'll be upset. After this, I think my trust in him wavered. I'm really really trying to not think bad of him. He's a great guy. But I'm still not feeling okay deep down inside even though we've talked about this already and cleared it up.

I'm afraid now and starting to think negative things like "what if he drinks again and become a drunkard like my dad? If we're already married and have kids they might experience the hell I've been through." I'm afraid history might repeat itself. I'm afraid the same childhood trauma might happen again in my future relationship. I really love my boyfriend. I know he is not like my father. But even until now I can't fully give my trust to him even before he lied to me. It's like we're close but I have this invisible barrier protecting me. We're close and have a very healthy relationship but since this happened my childhood nightmare always hunts me now.

At times I still cry when I think about what my father did to us especially to our mom. He did crazy things. Really crazy things. He's not drinking now. there's no threat anymore. But the past still haunts me.

Sorry for the long post. There are a lot of things I cannot say but this trauma is one of the major issues so I decided to focus just on this. It is affecting now my relationship with the man i love.

I hope you can help me. I'm really trying to think positive. But sometimes I get really scared.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the bad english. It isn't my first language.

Sincerely,
Gin

Last Edited by thisisme on Dec 03, 2014 11:37 AM
Cynthia
315 posts
Feb 27, 2015
10:20 PM
Hi Gin,

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond! It seems there are two parts of what's going on and it's understandably confusing how they are connected and how they are separate. First of all, if you can get some EMDR therapy for the traumas you've experienced as a child, that could relieve you of the suffering from the memories of what happened. Secondly, it sounds like you have good reason to be concerned about your boyfriend. Really good, sweet, wonderful people can be addicts, and as addicts, they act completely differently than the real person they are. Addiction makes people lie, distance themselves, and do many destructive things to a relationship. Even when addicts don't use for years, they can go back to it at any time. Don't ignore your concerns--get more information about addiction, about his history, and other people's perspectives on him. But if you get your traumas resolved, you will have more clarity and more trust in your assessment of the situation.

I hope that makes sense. Feel free to ask me more, if it doesn't!

Cynthia


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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