Really have no place to vent how I'm feeling lately.. Even though I enjoy living on the West Coast, and my family lives in the Midwest, I do feel quite alone around the holidays. I don't really have a lot of close friends, although I have some... Most all have family here, or are married, have children, etc. I have no children, but I do have a wonderful dog!
I will be going to my old neighbor's home to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. They are all wonderful people and are all married, most with children, etc. I do tend to have a good time. The weekend will be long, since I have Friday off. I've been trying to make plans to get together on Friday so that I'm not alone so much, but have not been successful as of yet...
I don't want to sound like a victim here, but I do feel very sad today. I crave a sense of belonging somewhere, which I really don't have in my life... Friends here and there, but I don't really feel an integral part of anybody's life. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my depression and maybe pushing it away when it has been offered to me in one way or another...
I've been really trying to tap into spiritual resources lately... It really does help my depression, but people do need people...
Just wanted to get some of my feelings out... Happy Thanksgiving to everybody!
I was just wondering how your long weekend went. You have a great deal of self-awareness, and that's usually a very useful skill toward feeling better. It's sad that you are so alone. You seem like someone who has plenty to offer in a friendship. Is it possible that seeking spiritual resources will lead you to a place with people you connect with and a feeling of belonging somewhere?
Thank you for answering, Cynthia. Yes, it was a long weekend... and I did isolate some... Another weekend has passed, and I isolated quite a bit again. Spent an afternoon with a friend, but the rest of it was spent alone... I am feeling so horribly sad today and don't know how to change my life... I will try to do something different, but it only lasts a week or so, and I go back to my set ways again...This cycle has been going on for so many years...I guess it didn't help that I went on Facebooka nd searched for some old friends that I'm no longer in touch with... They seem to have all moved on... I guess I'm into self pity at the moment, but I just don't know how to get out of it - and STAY out of it!
Cynthia, thanks for always commenting on my posts. It makes me feel important! I do know what I get out of isolating... it's safe... I don't have to worry about anybody rejecting me or worrying that I made a fool of myself, or that somebody doesn't like me, etc. etc. This past weekend I went out two different times. They were both good times and I didn't get my usual "emotional hangover" that I can get when I'm with people and feel overexposed...
Usually when people describe the experience you are describing, it means that they have a cruel inner voice that criticizes them relentlessly. When they are with other people, they fear that people will agree with the inner voice and be similarly cruel. People don't usually think of it that way; they just think of how it feels to have other people thinking critical thoughts about them. If you are interested, try to notice what you say to yourself about yourself (it may not be in words, but can probably be translated into words). Once you know what your own critical voice says, try to notice the difference between that and what other people actually say. You may be expecting to be attacked from the outside, while the attack is coming from the inside. Does this fit for you?
Yes, that does fit for me. I am very critical of myself, and sometimes after I'm with people that I envy or feel less than, I suffer terribly the next day with almost what I would call an emotional hangover. I think what happens, to take it one step further, is that I act on those thoughts with people... I become less likeable, so to speak...more withdrawn, etc., fearful to speak in a group, etc. etc. I can't change that has happened in the past, all I know is to change the way I think now and try to keep working on it. I get beaten down easily, but am plugging away more and more at it. Tapping into God and his love is helping me these days...and trying to consciously be aware of how I'm thinking and shutting out the negative.
