I have written to you before about a nighmare relatinship that I had a couple of years ago. I have since moved on but, found online dating to be something that I didn't want to do. I thought maybe if I stop which I did on Christmas day last year that I would be happier doing my own thing and not worrying about trying to find someone to spend my life with. So, since Christmas of last year I haven't gone on a date. I have hooked up with someone that I really don't want to have meaningless sex with. I think it makes me feel worse about myself. Anyway, lately I have been feeling lonely I guess, very insignificant and just not interested in life's opportunities. I think the worst part is that I don't feel like I have a purpose and I don't think anyone would really care if I was here or not. I don't feel like I contribute any joy, comfort, real friendship or even love to anyone's life. I even had a thought today that if I could take the place of someone who has terminal cancer I would. At least they have an appreciation and a purpose to want to be here and live. Please don't worry, I don't have plans to kill myself. I kinda feel like I am dying a slow death anyway.
So, these are the dark thoughts that I have been having lately. I'm not sure why. Is this depression. Probably a misture of a lot of things.
A older male co-worker took me and a couple of other co-workers out for happy hour to thank us for helping throughout the year as he's done for the past two years. This time he seemed to be more brutally honest than ever. He had no quams about saying how I don't like my job, I have a bad attitude, rude with the customers, etc. Of course, I don't sit there and take any shit from anyone but, the after effects left a sting. There was one point that he mentioned that he likes to "get a rise" out of me. I have a so called friend who also makes me feel bad about myself by making small digs here and there. As strong as I think I am, I know that I am very sensitive and am a human with emotions. So, when people treat me with what I think is a lack of respect for me as a person makes me withdraw and stay away. Tonight, my Supervisor of 8 years and friend for 19 years treated me like a child and was very outspoken and inappropriate in her direction to me about a project. As she has done periodically throughout the years. It's very frustrating because she doesn't talk to anyone else this way. Well, that was the final chip that was poked away at my pschyie and has caused emotinal strain. Not to mention the mental anquish that has lead me to your site.
I am not sure why people are so mean and purposefully try to push my buttons. Do I deserve this? Is it because they are trying to make themselves feel better? I feel like no one really likes me and I really don't know why. I don't really have any close friends. I think that I have a few but, they don't really want to hang out with me. I have no family here and don't really have a lot of relatives anyway. I have a non-existant love life and I believe that it's because I don't think highly of myself inside. Honestly, for the most part I thought I did and think that I have it all together but, I really don't. I think I'm just live to the best of my ability and when people point these crappy things about me in front of others than turn and compliment the person standing next to me just makes me wonder about myself. Makes me feel like shit and then the world looks bleak.
So, not sure what to do with myself. I've struggled with this most of my life. So, sometimes it gets really bad and I question everything. Maybe It's time to move one because I'm not really happy with my job or if I was in a relationship, maybe I need to move on because I'm reallly not happy with me in this relationship or maybe I will not call that so called friend again because they don't make me feel good about myself. I know I give up on things when times get hard or when I lose inteest which is very fast. I'm 45 years old shouldn't I know how to make my life better by now!
Well, first of all, congratulations on getting out of the "nightmare" relationship! Not everyone gets out of those. You sound like you have a great deal of strength and have endured too much already. You also seem likable from what you wrote, so I don't know what the problem is with people appreciating you. This would be a great use of therapy, since you get to be yourself in therapy and your therapist can experience how you are first hand and tell you in a kind way what might be causing these problems and what you can do about it.
Have you tried telling people who hurt your feelings that what they just said hurt, and asking them to clarify if what you thought they meant is what they really meant? Sometimes if people think you won't stand up for yourself, they take it as an invitation to take out their own frustrations and insecurities on you. (When you question them, they either let you know they didn't mean to hurt you, or they backpedal, or they may get defensive). I don't know if this is what's happening, but something to consider.
You absolutely deserve to be treated with kindness and respect--we all do! Yes, you do sound depressed, and disempowered, and I hope you don't settle for that--life can offer so much more. Can you find a therapist near you?
Last Edited by on Jan 02, 2013 8:58 PM
yes, I have a therapist appointment on the 28th of this month. I've seen this therapist before. I know I'm lonely and hopeless. Not sure if it's depression. I seem to have a reputation for being a man hater and being negative. As I just recieved a bad review from my Supervisor who happens to be a friend first and who I have known for 19 years now. So, for someone to not be able to come to me about some things that are off about me kind of makes me question what is a true friendship anymore. This makes me sad and lonely. Makes me feel like again, is it me? What's wrong with me? Why don't people like me. I can put on that happy face and I feel most tmes it is genuine but, I am not made of steel so, I have emotions, hormones, etc. I'm tired. I really don't know where to go or how to fix this. I try hard to deal with this life but, at times it just disappoints me. Life is about love and being loved and I can't seem to feel loved. I know I love. Not sure I will ever love another man. I think at 45 I feel like I will never love again. It's like I really don't know how to have a relations anymore. So, the lack of motivaton in any situation of importanve in life doesn't exist anymore. It's like I have lost that spark. I have lost my spirit for life. And yah, now that sounds like depression. What's depressing is realizing that this is who I am and not knowing if I can ever change for the better. And worst thought of all, how does anyone change all the darkness of their life and let the light in?? I know tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day and I will have to face it. It is a bad day for me. I have been crying a lot this evening. It's been mostly over a friendship and it's strange because I feel a wierd euphoria. i don't feel like me. I don't have a good state of mind right now. Kinda foggy. Luckily I have a dog who let's me know that she needs to get out of the house and walk. She is my saviuor for now.
It's Monday and I called in sick to work because I needed another day of seclusion I guess. I did take a shower and did some laundry. I read some things about depression that might be helpful to me. Of course, I need to light the fire under my own ass which is very hard. Very hard to do! I have been going through depression and I think it was lingering over my head for the past 6 months or so. I also notice when certain things upset me even more then the hopeless emotions and the lonely feelings really hit the surface.I haven't dated anyone in years, I am over weight and it hurts when I am overlooked by men like I am invisible. My friends have their own lives with their partners and families whereas I don't have either. This is where the loneliness comes into play. So, whenever I feel rejected by anyone it makes that loneliness so painful. I need to invite people into my life and stop secluding myself. Lately I have been looking forward to the weekends so I can stay home and hide. I feel safe at home. I know this is unhealthy and I read even if you make one or two brief conversations with a stranger it would uplift my mood and if a friend doesn't accept my invitation because they have plans doens't mean I should feel rejected. This is hard but, something to be aware of. I also realized on my own that depression is very self centered. So, I need to get out of my own head. I am feeling stuck and don't know where I belong which has been a constant feeling most of my life but, sitting alone won't help me to find my path I guess. I have also signed up to volunteer working with animals. I am looking forward to this! Today is a better day and I am working towards getting myself out of this funk. I think I will always be working at it most of my life but, it's just who I am and these are the struggles that I have that I just have to accept.
Hi Yal! I just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing? Did you start seeing that therapist? Did you start volunteering with animals? Did either help you feel better? I'd love for you to resolve the self-attack that seems to undermine everything you want and need and deserve. Who could be happy with someone following them around all the time saying they don't deserve love or happiness or companionship? I think the voice in your head sounds like a unrelentingly mean person standing behind you all the time. Fight for happiness and love and most of all self-love, and don't stop until you get it!
Warm Wishes, Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Feb 08, 2013 12:59 AM
