Dear Cynthia... > Girlfriend gone confused
Girlfriend gone confused
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flyaway13
1 post
Nov 28, 2012
4:34 PM
My girlfriend has recently told me that she is no longer attracted to girls but still loves me as a best friend. She also said she was really confused and lost. Being bisexual i assumed that she was now just attracted to men but last night she said "I'm not overly attracted to men now either. I'm just static, I don't want anything". She said that these feelings first started when she was outed to her best friend. The thing that confuses me is that as we've been talking she continues to go back and forth between "I'm not attracted to girls" and "I just need time to figure my life out" (she is a graduating senior in college and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life). Could she be sub-consciously suppressing her feelings because she's afraid of her friends and family knowing or is this real? Should I bother being hopeful that we can get back together and not be friends anymore? I'm so in love with her, I don't know what to do
Cynthia
304 posts
Nov 28, 2012
11:48 PM
Wow, what a painful, confusing situation! Since she's only told you this recently, since it started when she was outed, and since she's not really attracted to anyone, I think it's a good bet that she is going through something temporary. When she will resolve it, and whether when she does she wants to be in a relationship with you is unpredictable. Was your relationship a committed one with a mutually understood future until this happened, or were you just dating? For her, I hope she finds a good therapist and heals the wounds that are impacting her. For you, you have to decide how long you can wait, not knowing what will happen. I wouldn't give up on her yet, but if it becomes intolerable, you may need to take some space to grieve and re-ground yourself separately from her, before you can be friends.

Encourage her to get some good counseling from a professional who is very experienced with bisexuals and queer issues, keep the lines of communication open with her, if it's not too painful, and give her some time to figure it out.

That's the most I can say without knowing what's on her mind, or knowing more about either of you or your relationship.

Cynthia

Last Edited by on Nov 28, 2012 11:50 PM
flyaway13
3 posts
Nov 29, 2012
8:43 AM
up until this we had discussed a future together. i'm not leaving her as a best friend, I could never do that. I just don't know if i should give up hope on a relationship with her. we were talking again last night and she said that she still has feelings for me and still finds me attractive she's just confused in her sexuality.
Cynthia
305 posts
Nov 30, 2012
12:36 AM
Then if you can, support her, stay close emotionally, and let her know that for now you are holding the faith that your relationship will make it through everything she's going through. Ask her just to continue to be honest with you and if she realizes there really is no hope for a romantic relationship to be very clear with you. Let her know you love her and will continue to love her, no matter what, if it's true for you.


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 Cynthia W. Lubow, MFT

 For 30 years, compassionately helping people build self-confidence and feel happier.

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