I was a social worker for almost 5 years on an inpt. psych. unit in FL. I then opened two companies that were treatment programs in the last year for women in recovery from ETOH/Drugs. I am not in recovery, but I know that there is a need to help that population. My program was successful b/c all my clients are living successful, and healthy lives.
Now I am the one depressed. My programs closed due to lack of funding for marketing, and due to employee issues. I can't pay bills (my fiance works like a dog to cover as much expenses as he can). I wake up in the morning totally depressed. I am worried, anxious, and very sad. I can even see it in my own eyes. I own three horses and have beautiful golden retrievers and I cannot even find happiness with them. We are moving to a new farm around the corner that we are buying. It just seems as though I am so very depressed. I tell myself it will be ok, and then more junk happens that is out of my control. I do not know what to do. I know I can go to therapy however I know what they are going to say. I was a therapist for a while. I have counseled many people and have been told I am the best. Now I look at myself and don't even see the real woman any more. I am stuck! I hate feeling this way. I am always the upbeat woman motivating everyone else. It's like the light at the end of the tunnel is fading. Any advice?
Well, if we were in the same room, I would ask you many questions to determine what is going on. I have some guesses, though. Please tell me if I've completely missed you, so I can ask more questions and give you a more informed response.
There is a tendency for professionals in helping professions, such as yours and mine, to be attracted to the work partly out of co-dependent needs. Co-dependents get a great deal of satisfaction out of needing to be needed. You have worked with many people who needed you, and undoubtably were grateful for all the help you gave them. This is a very good feeling for anyone. Co-dependents, though, tend to have an empty feeling inside when no one needs them. This empty feeling is gone when they are taking care of people, and in it's place is a sense of competence, confidence, powerfulness, value, even lovability. But just as a drug or alcohol addict only feels good as long as the chemical lasts, co-dependents only feel good when they are in the position of taking care of people who need them. This is obviously a problem if those people go away, but it's even a problem if the co-dependent continues to care for people. The self-confidence is based on the response the co-dependent gets from other people--it's not sustainable with what she/he has inside--the emptiness can't sustain it. Eventually, the emptiness and self-attacks that have been covered by co-dependent activities break through, and become a problem even when caretaking continues.
So here's my wild guess.... I'm guessing you didn't get the normal emotional supplies you needed as a child (as most of us don't), so you didn't get a chance to develop the self-love, and ability to be a good parent to yourself that is needed to be a happy adult. When what you needed wasn't available, you scrambled for something to help you parent yourself, from what you were given. You found that if you took care of one of your parents, or others, that you got more emotional goodies from those around you, and from yourself. Taking care of someone was the closest you could come to getting your needs met, and therefore life-saving emotionally.
Taking care of someone can mean doing concrete things, like bringing a sick person their food. But it can also mean not getting angry, because the other person can't handle anger. It can be telling a lie, or not telling a truth, in order to protect someone. It can even be watching a person very carefully, so that you know what they need before they ask, and you know when to run, and when to get close. These are just some of the ways kids take care of adults.
So as long as you were being a counselor and a leader in helping people, you felt you had worth, control, and fullness. When your businesses ended, the bubble was broken, and all the emptiness, and childhood voices of attack spilled out and took over. You tell yourself you're a failure; you've never been worth anything, and never will be, or some version of that. With the attacks and the emptiness, the inevitable result is depression and anxiety.
As I said, this is not an uncommon scenario for counselors, nurses, doctors, clergy, teachers etc., and most people who want to continue in these professions have to work on their co-dependency or they get very burned out.
Saying you know what a counselor will say, because you are a counselor yourself strikes me as a big red flag. It says to me that you are hanging on to a co-dependent belief that is getting in your way of getting help, even though it's meant to protect you.
The most important thing any therapist can do for themselves and the people they help is to go to their own therapy. I would tell you that even if you felt perfectly wonderful. There is no substitute for developing a trusting relationship with someone whose extensive skills are in the healing power of human connection. It is not something you can do on your own. If I'm right, part of the reason you don't want to do it, is the same reason you must. It is vulnerable to be in therapy, and co-dependents equate vulnerability with humiliation. They are completely different, though, and vulnerabilty is necessary for healing and happiness. Humiliation, on the other hand, is just damaging.
Rest assured, I don't recommend what I haven't tried myself, and I lost count of how many cumulative years I've been in therapy in my life after I got to 20 yrs of therapy, and they included many different types and many wonderful therapists. With the right therapist, it really turns out to be a wonderful thing. If you can find someone who is very skilled at DNMS, as well as regular talk therapy, that could be very helpful. Going to 12-step meetings for co-dependents is also something most people in the helping professions need to do at some crisis point in their careers.
So does any of this sound familiar, or is all this foreign to your experience? There are certainly other possibilities besides the story I just spun, so please don't hesitate to tell me if I'm wrong, and we can start over. I have every reason to believe that you will feel better again. Please keep writing.
I posted a message on the board on July 7, 2006. I apologize for not responding back to you in your e-mail. We moved twice in one month, I went home to Chicago for one week, and the bottom line is I became swamped. I truly apologize for not responding to your e-mail.
Here is the update...You are pretty much correct on what you wrote back. Yes, my co-dependent traits have been coming out more and more.
There is ONE big thing I did not write in my first post. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for the past two years. At the time I wrote to you, two months ago, I thought he and I were headed on the right track. Much to my dismay, we were not. HE starts the fights verbally and I find myself then attempting to verbally fight back. We have even ended up in physical altercations which have scared me very much. I know this has a lot to do why I left my job 2 yrs ago, and why my businesses ended. I have allowed myself to be in this position. I did cheat on him a few times 1 1/2 yrs ago. We were broken up and I was in rebound mode. He holds onto those "cheatings" almost every day. They are constantly thrown in my face.
My parents who are quite wealthy and very loving have offered to have me move back home with my dogs and horses. They know me and fear that this relationship will only worsen.
I love this abusive man. Pretty sick! He can be the sweetest man and then turn on me like I cannot even believe. He has been like this from the get go. I know my chances of him changing are slim to none. I am so upset that I even thought he would change and that we could have a somewhat NORMAL life together.
My only fear of going back home at 32 yrs old with no job is b/c I fear I will not live up to my Father and Mother's expectations. Which aren't even much. When I was home, one month ago, I felt so much better. Even though I missed my animals and him, I almost felt like Renee was coming alive again.
I then returned home, and it started all over again with him. He kicks me out almost every day, and then gets extremely upset when I attempt to make arrangements to leave...ie: arranging transportation for my horses.
You could well be in a dangerous situation. Sometimes violence in a relationship escalates as the woman tries to free herself, and even can be deadly, especially after she has physically freed herself. I know it's hard to hear, but love is never enough reason to be in a relationship. It is wonderful, but not worth being abused, terrorized, possibly injured or even dead. It sounds as if he is very insecure, and feels empty without you. This sets you up for your need to be needed, and the love you feel could even be just based on his needing you. I know it's confusing when he can be so wonderful at times and so terrible other times. We all have different parts of ourselves, and the more we were hurt as kids, the more the parts are separated from one another--not integrated. This causes people to seem almost like strangers when they are locked into one of the parts. Some of his parts may be loving and sweet, but other parts are abusive and dangerous, and they are not going away.
I think you know what you need to do--if you read the note you wrote me, I think it will be obvious that you know. I understand your hesitation to go back to childhood dynamics with your parents, and your reluctance to leave the man and animals you love, but look at how you feel with him and how you feel with your parents. You also have the option of going somewhere else, where he can't find you and you can begin to discover yourself. If he is willing to actively work on his anger and abusive behavior, you and he might have a chance together, but otherwise it's not going to get better and stay better.
I understand where you are coming from. I believe for the past two years I have thought things would just get better. I thought if we moved, I showed more love etc... things would change.
I am going to have to make some even larger changes in my life. Transporting two horses, three of my dogs, putting all my furniture in storage....NOT fun. Driving 1350 miles to Chicago, the thought of it is quite scarey! I will have to change the way I look at things.
That does sound like it requires tremendous courage, and I wish it for you. I feel for what you are facing, and I hope you will ultimately find strength and comfort in the choice you are making. Let us know when you land.
Well, he and I had a long talk and it seems as though he is recognizing his verbal abuse. I have given myself one more month. I just want to make sure I am making the right decision. In the mean time, I will be working on myself along with us.
No, I'm not disappointed; only you know what is best for you. I do fear for you, though, since you said it was not just verbal abuse, but physical abuse that "scared me very much." I just hope you keep yourself safe. Please let us know how it goes. I will support you as well as I can, no matter what decisions you make.
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Sep 19, 2006
8:48 AM
Cynthia,
Well, it has been a very interesting past couple of days. It seems as though he considers himself the "man of the house". Yet, he can't handle calling the couple we just signed a lease with an option to buy to explain that the rent will be paid in the next few days, which is over a few thousand a month. He is stressed and continues to take it out on mye. He tells me I can't do anything b/c I will not call the owners of the property to explain what is going on. The reason I will not is b/c he is the one who brings the income in at this time, and informed the owners of the property that he can take care of all the bills w/o any financial help from me. He has continued to yell, swear, and degrade. Nothing physical. I do not know anymore what keeps me here.
I find myself thinking every day about moving home, and I do not understand why I continue to strive in many ways for this relationship to work.
Thanks for being there for me. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
I'll bet somewhere deep down inside, you do know why you are staying. I could take random guesses, like you're afraid he's the only one who will ever love you, or you'll feel like a failure, perhaps in your parents' eyes if you leave, or there's some way that you feel more complete with him than without, or because he needs you, or because you feel protected by him, or known by him, or because it would be sad to give up your hopes and dreams with him...but I don't know what it is for you. See if any of these ideas leads you toward what you know.
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Sep 25, 2006
8:05 AM
Cynthia,
Ok, I know you are right. I do know deep down inside why I choose to stay. I think the current situation has become an unhealthy comfort zone for me. I am working on changing that with myself, and with both he and myself. I know I will feel like a failure for not succeeding yet at another thing in my life. I do feel some what protected by him. I don't think he really needs me. If anything I feel as though I am a financial burden at this time. Yes, it would be very sad to give up our hopes and dreams together as a team. Regarding my parents, they will not look at this relationship as a failure b/c they told me it would never be a positive relationship from the get go over two years ago. I will feel like a failure towards them personally.
I will keep digging inside and find out what is really going on with me.
You're doing great. It takes a strong, courageous person to search so deeply inside yourself, to acknowledge the truth to yourself and then even to share it with others. You have all the strength and courage you need to make it on your own--you are your own worst enemy--cliche, but true. Try to think of whatever you do as part of your growth process, part of learning, rather than failure. Every one of us everyday tries something and decides we didn't do it the way we wanted to do it. So are we all failures all the time? No, we are human beings, who are all inherently messy, trial and error, always learning and growing kinds of creatures. And you are one of us. Welcome to the human club, where successes are sweet, and failures are frequent and inevitable parts of future successes.
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Sep 29, 2006
12:51 PM
Cynthia,
Thank you for all of your support. I am finding that searching within me is making me stronger in aome ways. I am also realizing that I have developed an extremely low self-esteem over the past two 1/2 years while in this relationship with him. It saddens me. I need to continue to change my thought process and think, believe, and hope for positivity. He is NOT used to that way of thinking. Everything is always everyone elses fault than his for the most part. I am tired of taking the blame for his mistakes, mishaps, and issues. It is now time I make the necessary changes within myself to gain my high self-esteem back, and in general my life back. I miss who I was and want myself back!!!!!!! I used to be the girl running all over the place, helping everyone, taking care of my animals, always with friends or family. Some of what I jsut wrote is coming back. However, I find that I become so anxious and nervous at times. Probably due to the fact that when you are treated like a piece of junk you start believing you are. So, what I have chosen to do within myself is change my thinking and ignore his negativistic attitude.
I have been working on myself. I started replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones.
What I do not understand...as many times as I preach positivity to him, he just does not comprehend it. I tell him all the positives I can, and he usually responds with some form of a negativistic comment. I ignore and attempt to move forward. However, I know his negativistic comments lay some where in my brain. I wish he would wake up. I am an extremely sensitive woman. This can be to a fault. He does not understand how much his WORDS can damage me.
I suppose the bottome line is that a leopard NEVER changes his/her spots, and this is what he has been molded into. I hope, and pray to gain the courage to do whatever is best for myself.
We all take in other people's messages to us--both positive and negative--and say them to ourselves. Usually when this happens as an adult, it is because the message is similar to one we got when we were children. As children, we are programed to imitate our caretakers, and create places in our brain to store that version of our caretakers. So when we have caretakers that tell us or show us that they think we are ugly, for example, part of our brain imitates that, and says to us "you're ugly" over and over and long after the caretaker is gone. Then when we hear the same message as an adult, it stimulates that part of our brains, and it gets more powerful and increases it's effort to express it's message. So if someone says we're ugly when we're adults, it becomes almost impossible to shrug off because we have this imitator inside agreeing over and over to us. Does this make sense?
Thank you!! You are correct!! My Father is a wonderful Dad today. When I was younger he would become aggravated when I did something wrong or stupid, and a name would be called. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference between when I was young and now is that my fiance is continuously putting me down, name calling etc. He tries to be "good", however it does not last for too long.
Two days ago, I woke up at 7:30 in the morning and my Land Rover was GONE. It was repossesed. He told me he had taken care of the payment by calling and telling them it would be two weeks late, well he didn't. I had the d.... thing paid off, and then he went and refinanced it at a junk place a few months ago, and at the time we did NOT need to do that. On top of this, My Mother was in town. I hadn't talked with her for 6 weeks. I met her that same evening and had dinner. I cried throughout dinner. The offer is still there for myself, my dogs, and, my horses to MOVE HOME to Chicago. I don't have much time.
Yesterday, HE obtained the monies to payoff the Land Rover and I will meet him to bring it home today. I am going to start organizing, and packing. He has no idea what my plans are. I want my Land Rover back. I have NEVER had something like this happen to me in my life.
It sounds like you're really fed up. I presume the plan you are referring to is to move to Chicago to live with your parents. How is that going? Did you get your Land Rover back?
When we create little imitators of our parents inside us, it doesn't matter if our actual parents change, because we still carry inside us the imitators of the way they were when we were children. So no matter how sweet your Dad is now, your childhood Dad-mimic in your brain will continue to insult you. That makes you vulnerable to partners who are similar to the Dad-mimic.
Well, I have my Land Rover back. I am motivating myself to get out of here. I am just scared. I know this is normal. It's like one more failure again. I am going to pack up some of my stuff, and let movers do the rest. I have to call my Mother today, and see exactly what she wants to do. My horses and dogs are most important to me. I have to figure out transportation for the horses. What a MESS!! My Mom only wants the best for me. I know this. It is so hard to leave Florida. I have so much anxiety and worries, even though I know worries are irrational. It's like I do not know where to begin. So, I am packing my important things and necessities first.
How do I get the Dad-mimics out of my brain? I know that he is not perfect, and I do not expect that from him. I suppose I just have to start retraining my brain.
It's completely understandable that you feel anxious with so much major change going on--losing your relationship, your hope for it's getting better and everything that would have brought you, your home, your pride, and much more. Please stay in touch, if I can be any support to you during this extremely hard time. Remember that courage is when you are scared and you do it anyway; you don't have to be brave to do something that doesn't scare you. You are being brave even to attempt this.
Attacking yourself makes it all worse, so see if you can think of this not as a failure, but as an opportunity to learn something that will help you get closer to living the life that will be satisfying to you. We all make mistakes every day, and the best we can do is to try to learn from them, and use that learning to improve our lives. Even when we learn, we still make mistakes every day (for a small, but immediate example, this is the third time I am writing this, because I lost the first two as I was posting them), but they are usually new ones, and more opportunities to improve our lives. We human beings are a messy bunch, and we spend our lives struggling to be less messy, but no one arrives at "all together."
A new technique called Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy or DNMS is a very effective and efficient method for de-fusing and integrating those mimics, so they no longer terrorize you. Look it up online, and see if you can find a therapist in your area who can do it with you, once you are settled. Or you could even fly to Texas to do concentrated sessions with the inventor.
Ok, I'm copying this one, in case I lose it again! I learned.
I drove home to Chicago with my dogs, my horses arrived last night, and I miss him, fiance, so very much. I guess it will take time.
My Father is back to yelling at me for stupid stuff. I hope I made the right decision. I keep having these thoughts of moving back to Florida, but now I am stuck.
I am going to see someone this week, hopefully, for therapy.
Living with your parents is just a temporary solution to being away from abuse. If you are being abused by them, that has to end too. What happens if you try to stand up to your father when he treats you that way? Is that a possibility? You don't have to be a bully back, just firmly, clearly tell him you won't allow him to talk to you that way, and if he wants to talk to you, he'll have to find a better way of expressing himself.
I'm glad you're going to be in therapy, because these changes require alot of support. Do you want to live without abuse eventually? It is difficult to extract yourself from it when you are depending on the abuser, so it's important that you work toward being able to support yourself financially, and have the emotional support you need. Right now, you have lots of sadness to deal with, because you lost the relationship you hoped and dreamed would be wonderful and forever. This is all hard stuff, but you've done it all before; you have been masterful in your life.
Well, there is not talking with my Dad. He's that way and will never change.
I want to go home so badly. I am torn. My fiance and I have been talking. It took this long for him to realize how he was treating me, and also how I was treating him in return. I don't know what to do. I miss him terribly.
I have an appt. with a therapist this Thursday. My Mother asked why am I going to a therapist. She was the one who suggested it last week. I do not get it. I feel like I am the child who they kept "sick" for many years, and now I am back in the same boat.
I am more depressed here. My Mother keeps asking me when am I going to get a job. I just got here 10 or so days ago. My fiance keeps asking me to come home. He wants to go for therapy together. I love him deeply. There is no doubt about that.
Looking back over our thread of conversation, a few things stand out for me. Your fiance can be loving and sweet, and is very attached to you, and he can be abusive--even "scary" abusive too. He will probably continue to be both ways at different times, so being with the loving and sweet man means also being with the abusive one. The abuse will not disappear spontaneously, and there's a very good chance it will get worse--more frequent and more dangerous. The sweet part may not change either, and this will always be confusing. It is much easier just to show you the sweet part when you are several states away and on the phone. I can guarantee you that if you go back and live with him again, he will abuse you.
The question is just about what you want. Often the people we choose romantically have the characteristics we associate with love. Those characteristics are based on what our parents taught us about love. So if your parents taught you that abuse is part of love, then you will stay with an abusive man, or choose another abusive man. To learn new associations with love is a gradual, longterm process, and therapy can speed up the process tremendously. If you don't want to change this, then you will go back to him.
If you do want to change putting yourself in an abusive position, then give yourself time and resources to change. If you want to stay connected to him, at least be in therapy yourself at the same time; don't live with him; get independent financially, and develop close friendships in addition to him. All of this will probably be difficult and painful, and it would be easiest in the short term just to go back and live with him, just as things were. It will be very tempting to do that. If you choose that, I will still be here to support you any way I can--this is really totally your decision; only you can really know what is most important to you.
Just in case you're wondering where I get the impressions I'm giving you, take a look at a couple of your notes to me:
"There is ONE big thing I did not write in my first post. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for the past two years. At the time I wrote to you, two months ago, I thought he and I were headed on the right track. Much to my dismay, we were not. HE starts the fights verbally and I find myself then attempting to verbally fight back. We have even ended up in physical altercations which have scared me very much. I know this has a lot to do why I left my job 2 yrs ago, and why my businesses ended. I have allowed myself to be in this position. I did cheat on him a few times 1 1/2 yrs ago. We were broken up and I was in rebound mode. He holds onto those "cheatings" almost every day. They are constantly thrown in my face.
My parents who are quite wealthy and very loving have offered to have me move back home with my dogs and horses. They know me and fear that this relationship will only worsen.
I love this abusive man. Pretty sick! He can be the sweetest man and then turn on me like I cannot even believe. He has been like this from the get go. I know my chances of him changing are slim to none. I am so upset that I even thought he would change and that we could have a somewhat NORMAL life together.
My only fear of going back home at 32 yrs old with no job is b/c I fear I will not live up to my Father and Mother's expectations. Which aren't even much. When I was home, one month ago, I felt so much better. Even though I missed my animals and him, I almost felt like Renee was coming alive again.
I then returned home, and it started all over again with him. He kicks me out almost every day, and then gets extremely upset when I attempt to make arrangements to leave...ie: arranging transportation for my horses."
and:
"Well, it has been a very interesting past couple of days. It seems as though he considers himself the "man of the house". Yet, he can't handle calling the couple we just signed a lease with an option to buy to explain that the rent will be paid in the next few days, which is over a few thousand a month. He is stressed and continues to take it out on mye. He tells me I can't do anything b/c I will not call the owners of the property to explain what is going on. The reason I will not is b/c he is the one who brings the income in at this time, and informed the owners of the property that he can take care of all the bills w/o any financial help from me. He has continued to yell, swear, and degrade. Nothing physical. I do not know anymore what keeps me here.
I find myself thinking every day about moving home, and I do not understand why I continue to strive in many ways for this relationship to work."
I wake up in the morning so depressed. I then attempt to change my thought process and it just seems to worrsen. It's like a feeling I have never felt in my life. I know that therapy is the big key for me.
It could be that you need some medication for awhile to balance your brain chemistry before you can work all this out in therapy. Would you consider that?
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Nov 03, 2006
7:22 AM
Cynthia,
I am going to a Psychiatrist n Monday. I went for therapy yesterday, it was ok. She's a cognitive behavioral therapist. It's hard to sort through all of my stuff in my mind.
Sounds hopeful. Let me know how it goes. I'm glad you're getting help.
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Nov 22, 2006
6:59 AM
Cynthia,
I went to Chicago, was told before I left to come home by my mother, "to get my head together, take a few months and relax". I went home to my parent's home, within a week was told to get a job, which I was more depressed at this time so that was not happening. I was yelled, screamed at, sworn at by my father over and over again, all for ridiculous, minute things...ie: my dog not being well behaved enough as a 1 yr old puppy. It was more pressure there than here in Florida. I shipped my horses to Chicago, they were miserable due to the barn conditions. My parents kept hounding me as to "what I do with the horses", I would explain to them about 10 times, and then was asked again what I do with them as if I needed to get rid of them b/c of their expenses. My brother, 25 yrs old, is at home smoking pot every day. It was ridiculous.
So, after the first few days at home, I decided to put myself in individual therapy a few times a week. Too make this short, I was dx with PTSD from childhood. What I also found out was that I recreated the "abusive home" from when I was a child in MY OWN HOME today with my fiance by pushing his buttons a bit too far. He does not have a history of being verbally abusive, or any kind of abusive. Don't get me wrong, he has taken ownership for what he has done that was verbally or emotionally abusive to me. We needed a month away from eachother to really see what has been going on. We have both made promises to eachother, and agreed to go to therapy seperately and together if needed. I know I have to continue therapy.
So, I came home on Monday, the horses came home to Florida yesterday, the dogs are happy to be home. I am missing my one dog, Gretta. My Mom made me put her to sleep when I was home, b/c she had a few accidents in the home and was not adapting well after the first week. Not my decision.
Other than that, I am happy to be home, and I am more motivated to continue to work on myself and my relationship. Now that my fiance and I are on the same page, we are getting along fabulously. We have never been so happy, and loving towards eachother in 2 1/2 years. We will continue to progress in our relationship, and individually.
As for my mother and father, well, I was told by my mother she will never speak to me again, and every nasty word she could possibly say. My father told me "you are now considered dead, and can bury yourself in your own grave", and "a piece of sh..", and much more. They cancelled my health insurance, and have pretty much lost it. So, all I can do with them is not take anymore abuse.
I want to thank you again for all of your support throughout the last 4 months or more.
Wow, what a journey you've been on! It sounds like you learned so much that will be useful to you in so many ways. It is so interesting to me that when you first mentioned going to your parents' house you didn't think of them as abusive--you thought of them as loving and positive resources. The contrast between that and the severe emotional abuse you describe is very striking. Something caused you to forget how abusive they are. I hope you will resume therapy and work on healing the traumas, because I don't want you to have to suffer any more, or get sucked into more trauma because of that mechanism for forgetting.
It sounds like you and your fiance have been through a transformation in your relationship, and I'm glad you have a home that feels like a home now. If you are right that you get abusive with him until he responds abusively, that is not surprising, since we all imitate our parents. But it means that you will still do it under stress, until the traumas are resolved.
Please feel free to check in, keep us updated, or ask questions about anything you want help with. If not, I wish you lots of healing and happiness!
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Nov 30, 2006
8:51 AM
Cynthia,
Yes, it has been a transformation!!
I am happy I am home. I see a great difference in many positive ways with myself and my fiance. We are not fighting. If we start to disagree on something, we solve it immediately. Much more differest than before. We are learning that sometimes "we have to disagree to disagree."
I saw my doctor here yesterday, and will continue in therapy. This has been a life learning experience.
My father was verbally abusive growing up. My mother allowed it. I never forgot his abusive tactics, I believe that is what kept me from going home for so long, and why I usually avoided him. He was raised in an abusive environment. I choose not to be.
I want to thank you for your support!!
Sincerely, Renee
Bunker22
Guest May 02, 2007
6:19 AM
Cynthia,
You were right when you wrote this to me: "Your fiance can be loving and sweet, and is very attached to you, and he can be abusive--even "scary" abusive too. He will probably continue to be both ways at different times, so being with the loving and sweet man means also being with the abusive one. The abuse will not disappear spontaneously, and there's a very good chance it will get worse--more frequent and more dangerous. The sweet part may not change either, and this will always be confusing. It is much easier just to show you the sweet part when you are several states away and on the phone. I can guarantee you that if you go back and live with him again, he will abuse you."
It got worse. He lasted about one week in being nice and sweet. Then it ended. As the holidays passed, and time went on he became increasingly verbally abusive. He became so nasty, degrading, name calling that I couldn't take it anymore, and I realized I did not deserve it. At the end of January 2007 he hit me twice. On 2/07/2007 I put all of my belongings, which a 3 bedroom home into storage, moved my horses to my friend's barn, moved my dogs to friend's homes etc...a mess.
Now, my parents have been supportive. We bought a place on the ocean about 30 minutes away from my ex. We close on Monday, so my two dogs come home on Monday. It has been a whirlwind! I am scared, however I will be in therapy soon to help me to walk through my fears, and figure out why in God's name I stayed with this man for as long as I did.
Thanks for updating us. I'm glad you got yourself away from the abuse, and feel more at peace now. I hope you find a good therapist and work on answering the questions you have for yourself. I wish for you a relationship that is loving and not abusive.
Warmly,
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest May 11, 2007
12:09 PM
Cynthia,
I am in a relationship with a man who only calls me beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful etc. He is successful, very intelligent, motivating, loving, and only wants the best for me.
I'm so delighted you are doing so well! I always welcome your updates.
Cynthia
Bunker22
Guest Jun 26, 2007
8:06 AM
Cynthia,
The man that has been so "wonderful" changed. He is not nearly as attentive, and has put me last on his list of priorities. I asked him several times if I have done something wrong, and the answer is no. I work for him and he does not pay me on time. I think it is falling apart. The last thing I want is a broken heart. I was doing great a month ago, and then all of a sudden things changed. I do not know what to do. I have so many stressors in my life, and was hoping he was my partner to be there for support. It does not seem like he is. I am straying away from him, and I do not know how to fix it.
How painful it must be to lose those wonderful feelings that came from his affection, and to be disappointed again. Have you explored what is happening in therapy? There are so many possible reasons this is happening, and so many possibilities for using what you are learning in this relationship to improve the next one. It sounds like you have found someone who is not abusive like the last one. If that's true, you are headed in the direction of healing. If not, tell your therapist everything--don't keep any secrets, and the two of you should be able to help you grow toward finding a satisfying relationship that lasts.
I did not go to therapy. I thought since I was doing "well" I didn't need to go back. Well, I need to now. The other night him told me he bought me a horse. A very nice horse, a great dressage prospect, a schoolmaster. I told him "I can't afford the two I have now. How can I afford him", and he responded with "we will work it out". This a.m. he calls me and says "do you want the horse or not?" I said "We have to talk. I don't know how I can afford him". No response from him as far as working this out. I left the other night after looking at the horse. My instinct told me to go home, and I did. He's mad about that. I said to him this morning "I am sorry for leaving that night. I felt uncomfortable". He said "I don't even want to hear about that. It's ridiculous". The reason I left was there was another man there with him and I did not understand why he would be staying with us. It just did not make any sense to me. He wouldn't return my phone calls yesterday, nothing. I can't take this beautiful horse on w/o his help. He told me I only have a few hours to make a decision. That is crazy.
He has sexual fantasies that I do not like. Involving others, which I will not do. I thought that is what he wanted that night, and that is why I left.
I am very hurt, and nervous. I thought he was the man for me. Now I am doubting everything including myself.
Well, he dumped me this afternoon. He says I am "erratic", and that we handle things differently. Mind you he did this via e-mail. Tells me to not take this personally. Is refusing to pay me the monies he owes me b/c I did not document everything. I am so hurt, frustrated, aggravated. This man used me. He stayed at my home almost daily since I moved in. This is all b/c I did not do what he wanted me to do last Friday night, which was sexual things with other people. So, I left and went home with my dog who was in the back seat of my car. He will not admit it to me, however I know my instincts. My parents are helping me once again. I am going home in the next few weeks for one week, and then returning to Florida. I am deeply hurt. I know he is yet another man who did not deserve me.
I feel a little lost. First time I am alone in over 3 years. Funny thing is, my Mother told me that a world renown psychic told her a few months ago that my heart would be broken in the month of July, and it was.
Thankfully I have a wonderful support system here in Florida, and with my parents.
I will continue to work on re-buiding my strong personality.
I'm so sorry your heart is broken, and you have to survive that pain one more time. Be careful with your parents' help, because in the past it has involved verbal/emotional abuse toward you. It certainly sounds like you did the right thing to walk away from a sexual situation you weren't comfortable with. No one should engage in a sexual activity they are not comfortable with--it could really do some damage.
I do hope you find a therapist you really trust and stick with her to figure out and heal what's getting in the way of having a consistently loving relationship with someone who deserves you!
I opened up my own company. I will e-mail you the link. I moved to my own farm on 5 acres with my horses and dogs. I have distanced myself from my parents and am moving forward. My program is Not-for-Profit benefiting women and men in recovery from ETOH and/or Drugs. It revolves around the horses and a multitude of therapies. It is awesome!
Congratulations! That sounds like a terrific service. It takes a great deal of skill and courage to open your own business--good for you! It also sounds like no one is abusing you now--I'm glad you found a way back to yourself!
I'm so happy for your wonderful relationship! When you say you are having trouble mourning the loss of your baby, do you mean you are having trouble feeling grief feelings, or do you mean you are feeling them, and it is very painful?
For 25 years, compassionately helping women heal from depression, and it's
destructive criticism, losses and traumas, while building self-acceptance and confidence.
