Without knowing a whole lot more about you, your medical information, your history, your relationship, and this issue for you, I wouldn't be able to diagnose the problem. The bottom line is that you can get an answer to your question by going to a psychotherapist, especially one specializing in sexuality, and possibly a medical doctor as well. I can, however, give you some general information about what I would ask you, and what I would look for, if we were working together.
What you describe certainly sounds psycholgically-based, though there could also be a physical element. Generally, people don't get excited about sex due to one or more of various causes, such as:
*trauma, especially sexual assault; *depression; *unresolved feelings, particularly resentments or fears about one's relationship/partner; *unskillful lovemaking--physically, emotionally or both; *lack of any prior positive experiences with sex; *guilt or shame about participating in sex; *shame about one's body; *fear of pregnancy, disease, or punishment; *lack of attraction to one's partner; *anxiety about partner's expectations one feels pressured to meet, either in sex acts, or responsiveness.
This is all I can think of at the moment; I'm sure there are probably more. Also, none of these cause lack of excitement in everyone; some even increase excitement for some people.
If there is a physical reason you don't lubricate, or that sex isn't enjoyable for you, your emotions would still be involved at least in reaction to that. If lack of ability to lubricate were the only issue, that is a simple one to fix by substituting a bottled lubricant.
So, if you apply all of the above to yourself to see what might fit for you, you may have more questions for me, or you may want to offer more information so that I can help you think this through. Feel free to let me know what you're thinking and what your questions are. Most likely, though, sorting this out will take some time really focusing on it in a therapy situation.
I hope you find a way to enjoy sex!
Warmly,
Cynthia
Last Edited by Cynthia on Jan 10, 2006 9:06 PM
Dear Cynthia: Thank you for taking the time to offer your help. It is much appreciated!
Well, I have read your possible causes for my lack of interest in sex.
I am and have for the most part been a very healthy person. I was treated for depression about three years ago but doing better now. However, I do not think that my depression is the culprit for my disinterest in sex as I have, for as long as I have been sexualy active (about 10 years), always experienced a lack of sexual drive and disinterest with the two partners I have had. Perhaps the negative experiences in my life has been sexual molestation. Maybe I was around five years old when a friend of the family molested me. I never told anyone and for years blocked it out of my head, until I one day remmembered the assault. I was in my early twenties and remmembered the one time when it happened. I remmember sitting on his lap while my mother chatted with his wife. He then caressed my private area. I jumped from his lap and ran to my mother. I never told, even now. I do not remmember any other occassions when that might have happened. Maybe it was just that one time. The second negative experience I had was I got pregnant with my first boyfriend. I never told him and got an abortion. I was around 23. Very upsetting time. I never told anyone about this either. I think this was the onset of my depression. Lastly, I acquired an std from my current boyfriend. It was early in our relationship (we have been together for about 6 years now)and thankfully, is treatable, but again very traumatizing to me.
Do you think I am a candidate for therapy? Would I be benefitted by it? If so, where can I go?
Yes, I would definitely advise seeing a therapist, and seeing one who does EMDR would probably be best. Any one of those traumas could inhibit your sexual desire, and cause other symptoms as well. Tell me what town you live in, and I will see if I have suggestions about finding a therapist there.
I live in Daly City. Do you know of any therapists here. I can also manage to make it to your office but perhaps for evening or weekend appointments. Kindly, let me know what your rates are and do you take insurance?
I know one therapist in San Jose. She's very experienced, but I don't know her well. Her name is Tricia Rowe and her number is 510-530-5654 (she also has an Oakland office). I'm sure there are many other good therapists there; I wish I knew more. You could try SFSI, or a referral website like Psychology Today, Columbia Psychotherapy Associates, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, National Association of Clinical Social Workers, and there are many others. Some provide information about the therapists online, so you can get a feel for who might be best for you, including specialties.
My regular fee is $150 for 50 minute sessions. When that's impossible, I do negotiate lower fees, but not too much lower at night. I'm also pretty full at night, but we could discuss fitting you in, if you're interested. If you have insurance that allows you to choose any licensed professional, I can give you a statement for you to submit to the company for reimbursement. I don't work with any managed care or preferred provider panels. If you want to meet with me once to help you make a decision, I won't charge for that first session.
So let me know what you decide, and if I can answer any more questions.
