14 Mar 2008
Wow has this been a hard week! Ricky actually called my therapist that night and left a msg about how I was freaking out and she called back about an hour later and I was still in the tub. She asked for me and he gave me the phone. I had no idea what to say--actually I was a little embarrassed, but I was so scared too, so I talked to her anyway. I told her what happened, and she just understood how I was freaked out and all. I think just hearing her voice started calming me down. I could feel my heart start beating slower and that sick feeling left. She told me not to try anything sexual, and not to do anything at all that even felt the tiniest bit unsafe. Then she taught me how to ground myself when I started feeling light-headed and numb and terrified when I'm not actually in any danger. So I took a deep breath, held it for a couple seconds and let it out really really slowly, as if I were an inner tube with a slow leak, while I imagined warm, thick, sweet molasses moving through my veins and felt the relaxation melt my arms, legs, face, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, back, stomach, fingers and toes--each one at a time--everything feeling warmer and heavier as I focused on it. Then I said aloud, "I'm 27 yrs old. I'm in Berkeley, California in 2008. I'm safe." I was amazed how much better I felt! So I got off the phone and out of the tub and went back to the bed and crawled into Ricky's arms. He held me and rocked me and didn't make me tell him what was going on--which was a great relief. Then he told me he was very interested when and if I was ever ready to tell him what was going on with me. By then I wanted to tell him, though I didn't know much. I just said I was sorry, and I didn't think it had anything to do with him because he's wonderful. He held me like that until I fell asleep. Gotta love that boy!