I just feel so, so guilty, I can hardly stand it! I fucked everything up! Maybe if I hadn't forgotten to turn on my cell phone when I got to Maui, Rochelle might have called me and I might have been able to help her and keep her safe. I am like totally a loser. Then I fucked up the best gift anyone ever gave me (Hawaii) by worrying about R and fighting with Plern. And then I fucked up my chance to have someone love me, which is so what I wanted, by--oh, everything I did fucked that up.
I'm really glad I'm seeing my therapist twice a week, because she sees it all very differently, and I like her version better. She said I just did some things I wouldn't do next time because I learned that I don't like the consequences. She told me she and everybody else makes mistakes every day, no matter how hard we might try to do everything right--that it's just part of being human. She says all we can do is have compassion for why we did what we did, repair whatever we can, and figure out how we want to do things differently next time. I never really thought about having compassion for myself before. I have no clue how to do that. Who could have compassion for such a loser? Well, I guess my therapist does. I wonder how she does that.