22 May 2007
Well, Hawaii was hella great until I remembered I'd left my cell phone off. I turned it on and had a message from Janet saying Rochelle had left the treatment program and run off. Janet was crying and crying and really scared. She'd been trying to find R, but no luck, and R hadn't contacted her at all. I also had a message from the barracuda guilt-tripping me as usual for not calling her. I ignored her message because I was so worried about R. When I called Janet, nothing had changed, except more time had passed. I was really scared, and didn't want to be in Hawaii anymore--I just wanted to find R. Then Plern and I had a big fight because she was tired of R getting more of my attention than she did, especially when we were on a fabulous, romantic vacation. I thought she should be more understanding when R was missing, and might even be dead. So we didn't really talk for the rest of the trip, and I cried alot the whole way home, and ever since, honestly.
So I haven't seen Plearn, been working and crying alot. My therapist offered to see me twice a week while I'm feeling so bad, so I've been crying with her alot too. I don't even care anymore if she sees me cry--I just can't do anything else. Still no word from R. It helps to talk about it in therapy, but I just haven't been able to get myself to write until now. I know I should, but it's been so hard to even get out of bed. I keep thinking about where R would have gone, and how I can find her. I've driven around town for hours at a time, but no sign of her. I'm thinking of stopping to talk to people who look like drug dealers--maybe show a picture of her, and ask if they've seen her. I'm scared to do that, though, what if they think I'm trying to arrest them or something--they might just shoot me on the spot. Right now I'm not sure I'd mind, though.