11 Apr 2007
I forgot something else my therapist said last week, which is that I have to tell Plern how I really feel about her, or I will feel really guilty and alienated from her. I knew she was right, but I haven't had the nerve to do it yet. So I talked about it in therapy again. I thought telling Plern the truth meant something like, "Dude, I might be using you, and might dump you if I meet someone better." I couldn't see saying that, and I felt so guilty thinking it, I knew I was doing something wrong.
My therapist pointed out that that's actually not the whole truth--it's just my fear and guilt talking. She said the whole truth is more like "Dude, I really have a good time wiht you and appreciate all you do for me, but I'm scared I might not have as strong feelings about you as you might have about me, and I don't want to hurt you, so I need your help figuring out if we should go on like it is, or if this thing we're doing isnt' fair to you." I had to admit that was closer to the truth, and it sure sounded better than my version. I took notes again because I didn't think I could come up with all that if I didn't.
So when I got home from therapy, Plern was waiting for me--watching tv and driving Penny wild with her bobbing feather toy. I figured I'd better tell her before I lost my courage, or forgot what to say. But before I did, I saw on my pillow was an envelope with my name on it. So I went over to it, and Plern was kind of half grinning and half pretending to watch tv, with her feet crossed, and Penny running back and forth and jumping to grab the feather and missing it because Plern flicked it out of reach just as she jumped.
So I opened the envelope and inside were two airplane tickets to Hawaii, with her name and my name on them dated for a week and a half from now! I've never been to Hawaii, and always wanted to go, so I was really excited!! So I hugged and kissed her and thanked her, and she kept grinning and kissed me back, and I rested my head on her shoulder with her arm around me. That's when I started to panic. I realized I had to tell her about my feelings about her, and then she might not want to take me to Hawaii, or maybe we'd go and she'd be resentful, or I'd feel like I owed her something because she paid for the trip. Then I started thinking about Rochelle, and how she needed me and how could I go off and lie around on the beach while she was struggling for her life! Shit, shit shit!!! Now I really don't know what to do--and it's a whole week before I see my therapist again. I have to do something. Maybe I'll call my therapist and ask if I can see her soon again.
I don't think R is doing well either. She keeps saying the stuff they make her do is stupid and she knows she can't do crystal anymore, so what's the point of talking in their stupid groups and filling out their stupid worksheets, and meeting with their stupid counselors who just keep telling her the same stuff about how she's in denial and all, which she thinks is stupid because she's not denying she can't do crystal, so she's not going to. I dont' know who to believe, because I've seen R give it up before, and she always goes back to it. I dont' know what to do--I'm really worried about her. I wish I could figure out what to say or do so that she could see she's got a bigger problem than she thinks, and how close she is to dying from it. I really saw that in the hospital--she just can't stop once she starts, and she always starts sooner or later, and it just keeps getting worse. Next time she starts and can't stop, she could easily kill herself. God it's so scary--I don't know how I'd go on living if she OD'd.